Insecurity

[Arti]

Mujhko to yeh poora incident hi weird laga

Alright, the only sense I can find in this whole thing is that the guy wanted his girl to be a housewife, but be well educated and well behaved (PG people are that, and more), and also he wanted someone who could work if need be.

Sometimes things look very biased and unfair from the outside, but they are actually quite nice for both the parties concerned. We can never say.

But isn't it wrong for one person to decide what the other one should do?

[Sharjeel]

But isn't it wrong for one person to decide what the other one should do?

It is. But if it works for both of them, then who cares. Altho, if somebody demanded that i do anything, I would generally take offence, even if i wanted to do it anyway. Especially in case of me sweetie.



Love is all about self-sacrifice. I dunno if demanding people can ever find love.

[Kavita]

I dunno if demanding people can ever find love.

Never, but they assume they found it, if the other person agrees for their demands. And they happily live thinking its love.



or may be they are not bothered about love.

[Arti]

But isn't it wrong for one person to decide what the other one should do?

It is. But if it works for both of them, then who cares. Altho, if somebody demanded that i do anything, I would generally take offence, even if i wanted to do it anyway. Especially in case of me sweetie.

Love is all about self-sacrifice. I dunno if demanding people can ever find love.

I doubt that love is part of this particular equation at all.

[Sharjeel]

Thats really sad to hear. Must be very frustrating to stand on a side and watch it happen.

[Arti]

Thats really sad to hear. Must be very frustrating to stand on a side and watch it happen.

And then wonder if these people are really really related to me

[Bimbette]

I recently met a "cousin" of mine for the first time... he was very proud of the fact that he was particular about marrying a post graduate and even more particular that she pursue no career. This guy is an AVP in one of the private banks... I couldn't believe it. When we left their place, my mom said something about how sorry she felt for that girl... I didn't feel sorry for anyone except that guy... what kind of insecurity must lead him to insist on such stupid things. As far as the girl is concerned... I think she could have opted out... she knew this before marrying this guy and yet chose to marry him. Then why complain when relatives visit? That she wanted to pursue a career but that this guy is not letting her?

Any thoughts?

Your cousin is an AVP? Work in a bank too and we have similar designations.



U r wondering what's making the guy insecure? Well, my male friends from the bank are vocal about wanting girls who dont work. Guess its a personal choice. Life's full of different kinds of ppl yaar. I for one wouldn't go anywhere close to a guy with such thinking. Just like I wouldn't insist that he be working in X organisation drawing X amount of money.



I kinda agree with what ur mom said about the 'poor wife'. Many a time girls aren't given a choice when it comes to marriage and its aftermath. Hope her's is not a similar case.

[Arti]

Just like I wouldn't insist that he be working in X organisation drawing X amount of money.

I was recently discussing this with a friend. I realized that there are girls who consider the guy's salary as an important factor.

I kinda agree with what ur mom said about the 'poor wife'. Many a time girls aren't given a choice when it comes to marriage and its aftermath. Hope her's is not a similar case.

You do? I think this particular girl was educated enough to stand up for what she wanted.

[CtrlAltDel]

I realized that there are girls who consider the guy's salary as an important factor.

thats a reality and i dont see anything wrong in that. in any arranged marriage, one of the questions that the girl's side asks is how much the boy earns. this is natural. if u expect the girl to live with a man for the rest of her life, she has the right to expect him to support her comfortably on a good salary. she can be fully justified if she rejects a man if his salary is low.



but salary shud not be the only consideration. there are other important things to verify too...

[Arti]

I realized that there are girls who consider the guy's salary as an important factor.

thats a reality and i dont see anything wrong in that. in any arranged marriage, one of the questions that the girl's side asks is how much the boy earns. this is natural. if u expect the girl to live with a man for the rest of her life, she has the right to expect him to support her comfortably on a good salary. she can be fully justified if she rejects a man if his salary is low.

but salary shud not be the only consideration. there are other important things to verify too...

yaheen par to maar kha jaate hain!

[solosynergy]

I realized that there are girls who consider the guy's salary as an important factor.

thats a reality and i dont see anything wrong in that. in any arranged marriage, one of the questions that the girl's side asks is how much the boy earns. this is natural. if u expect the girl to live with a man for the rest of her life, she has the right to expect him to support her comfortably on a good salary. she can be fully justified if she rejects a man if his salary is low.

but salary shud not be the only consideration. there are other important things to verify too...

arranged marriages are extrrmely primitive. pops up words like the barter system and the flesh trade into my mind. the healt of the flesh is determined by the photograph the wealth by his salary and thats all that the family wants. the guy wants his dowry or/and a defunct post graduate the gal wants a house to breed children to continue the flesh trade. thats all marraiges are all about.



and yeah could it be possible that the girl was a Home Science PG .

[daisy]

i dont see any wrong in arranged marriages. well, its all good when you are in love and wants to marry. but if a person never fell in love and their parents select a good partner, more happy isint it? who better thinks about my well being more than my parents. when parents choose a partner, i believe they are more compatible with me, since they will definitly be from the same upbringing as me. same community as me. so i am more comfortable.

[solosynergy]

i dont see any wrong in arranged marriages. well, its all good when you are in love and wants to marry. but if a person never fell in love and their parents select a good partner, more happy isint it? who better thinks about my well being more than my parents. when parents choose a partner, i believe they are more compatible with me, since they will definitly be from the same upbringing as me. same community as me. so i am more comfortable.

i agree that ur parents always want the best for and trust me they will always do the best for you. yes they guy may be from a family with decent credentials. but then families generally that go in for arranged marriages are pretty conservative. so the guy might feel pretty closetted all his life for not being able to do things coz of the restraints from his family. once he is out of the box he could change but till maintain the old goody picture that he had. Arranged marriages work when the meant thats been picked has been lucky. its too much of a risk. and somehow the concept of my body and my sal being the deciding factor irks me.

[Arti]

i dont see any wrong in arranged marriages. well, its all good when you are in love and wants to marry. but if a person never fell in love and their parents select a good partner, more happy isint it? who better thinks about my well being more than my parents. when parents choose a partner, i believe they are more compatible with me, since they will definitly be from the same upbringing as me. same community as me. so i am more comfortable.

There's nothing wrong. But I don't think that guys who have similar upbringing and who belong to the same community would necessarily be compatible with me.



And while parents do always want the best for us, sometimes even they make mistakes. As grown adults, I think individuals definitely know what is best for them.



I share a wonderful rapport with my parents and they are very clued in on my likes and dislikes... but I know several people my age who might talk to their parents all the time... but the generation gap very much exists and as a result they don't really communicate!

[Arti]

i agree that ur parents always want the best for and trust me they will always do the best for you. yes they guy may be from a family with decent credentials. but then families generally that go in for arranged marriages are pretty conservative. so the guy might feel pretty closetted all his life for not being able to do things coz of the restraints from his family. once he is out of the box he could change but till maintain the old goody picture that he had. Arranged marriages work when the meant thats been picked has been lucky. its too much of a risk. and somehow the concept of my body and my sal being the deciding factor irks me.

I don't agree with that. I know some very forward thinking families that do go in for arranged marriages. Daisy does have a point there... what if you never fall in love... and you still want to marry... then what? An arranged marriage isn't necessarily one where you go to a marriage broker or anything... even your friends/relatives can arrange for you to meet someone...



But I hate it when girls use salary as a determining factor... or hair on the head. I always tell friends who reject bald guys to think about what they'd do if the guy lost all his hair after the wedding

[Arti]

the concept of my body and my sal being the deciding factor irks me.

Guys do that a lot... and some forward thinking people do ask... what would we do if the girl puts on weight after the wedding... we can't throw her out then... so they choose to look at the girl for what she is...





the world is changing

[Sharjeel]

i agree that ur parents always want the best for and trust me they will always do the best for you. yes they guy may be from a family with decent credentials. but then families generally that go in for arranged marriages are pretty conservative. so the guy might feel pretty closetted all his life for not being able to do things coz of the restraints from his family. once he is out of the box he could change but till maintain the old goody picture that he had.

Almost 70% of all love marraiges fail, does that point to anything?



I think all of the 'forward-thinking' people who diss arranged marraiges shud first look at the relative success rates (as in happy families, divorce rates, etc).

[Arti]

i agree that ur parents always want the best for and trust me they will always do the best for you. yes they guy may be from a family with decent credentials. but then families generally that go in for arranged marriages are pretty conservative. so the guy might feel pretty closetted all his life for not being able to do things coz of the restraints from his family. once he is out of the box he could change but till maintain the old goody picture that he had.

Almost 70% of all love marraiges fail, does that point to anything?

I think all of the 'forward-thinking' people who diss arranged marraiges shud first look at the relative success rates (as in happy families, divorce rates, etc).

Where did you get that 70& statistic from? And how do you know that arranged marriages are successful? Just because they don't end in divorce? And please define "happy".



A lot of couples remain married for severeal reasons... for many of them love and happiness are not factors.

[Sharjeel]

Where did you get that 70& statistic from? And how do you know that arranged marriages are successful? Just because they don't end in divorce? And please define "happy".

A lot of couples remain married for severeal reasons... for many of them love and happiness are not factors.

Heard that somewhere. Will post the source as soon as I remember.



As far as being happy is concerned, then having a family, a good income and a 'caring' spouse is my definition of 'happy'.



Far as my family goes, there have been two love marraiges. One is very recent, so cannot say anything about that.



One went horribly wrong. It is an international news item now. Here is the url. me was thinking about posting them anyway:



http://www.hiltonhouse.com/cases/Fazal_fed_dist.txt



http://www.boston.com/news/local/massachusetts/articles/2004/09/17/father_faces_prison_again_in_custody_case/



So, as you can see, from personal experience, I can say that love marraiges are not very good.



I prefer my parents to tell me that son, these are the girls we think are nice. You may choose anyone you want out of them.



Anyway, I cannot argue my point if youonly say that love marraige is good, and cannot give me any proof.

[Arti]

Where did you get that 70& statistic from? And how do you know that arranged marriages are successful? Just because they don't end in divorce? And please define "happy".

A lot of couples remain married for severeal reasons... for many of them love and happiness are not factors.

Heard that somewhere. Will post the source as soon as I remember.

As far as being happy is concerned, then having a family, a good income and a 'caring' spouse is my definition of 'happy'.

Far as my family goes, there have been two love marraiges. One is very recent, so cannot say anything about that.

One went horribly wrong. It is an international news item now. Here is the url. me was thinking about posting them anyway:

http://www.hiltonhouse.com/cases/Fazal_fed_dist.txt

http://www.boston.com/news/local/massachusetts/articles/2004/09/17/father_faces_prison_again_in_custody_case/

So, as you can see, from personal experience, I can say that love marraiges are not very good.

I prefer my parents to tell me that son, these are the girls we think are nice. You may choose anyone you want out of them.

Anyway, I cannot argue my point if youonly say that love marraige is good, and cannot give me any proof.

I'm sorry to hear this. But what I meant to say was that there's good and bad everywhere. Love marriages probably fail as much as their arranged counterparts. The fact remains that some marriages fail and some succeed... this is regardless of the kind of marriage.

[Sharjeel]

I'm sorry to hear this. But what I meant to say was that there's good and bad everywhere. Love marriages probably fail as much as their arranged counterparts. The fact remains that some marriages fail and some succeed... this is regardless of the kind of marriage.

here is what i got from the net. Not all of it relevant, but anyway. i will try to be as unbiased as possible :

The low success rate of love marriage is primarily due to the fact that in love marriage the partners know each other so well in advance that they hardly find anything new in their life after their marriage.

I will never agree to the following: "Love marriages are a failuer. Arranged marrages are a sucess." Dont you see maximum number of bride buring in arranged marriages. dont you see so many break up, dont you see so many non-break ups but live in misery and black outs. its never the type of marriage, its understanding between the two that makes a better marriage. [/quote]



Shit! My pc is not allowing me to access the forums, so i will post some stuff later.

[Arti]

I'm sorry to hear this. But what I meant to say was that there's good and bad everywhere. Love marriages probably fail as much as their arranged counterparts. The fact remains that some marriages fail and some succeed... this is regardless of the kind of marriage.

here is what i got from the net. Not all of it relevant, but anyway. i will try to be as unbiased as possible :

The low success rate of love marriage is primarily due to the fact that in love marriage the partners know each other so well in advance that they hardly find anything new in their life after their marriage.

I will never agree to the following: "Love marriages are a failuer. Arranged marrages are a sucess." Dont you see maximum number of bride buring in arranged marriages. dont you see so many break up, dont you see so many non-break ups but live in misery and black outs. its never the type of marriage, its understanding between the two that makes a better marriage.

Shit! My pc is not allowing me to access the forums, so i will post some stuff later.[/quote]



Aptly put... on that nice note, let me sign off and hit the city

[CtrlAltDel]

not again...



IMO, ppl feel most love marriages fail coz ppl talk a lot abt failed love marriages. no one talks abt successful love marriages. even if 1 love marriage fails, ppl use that as an example to paint most love marriages as potential divorce cases.



on the other hand, no one talks of failed arranged marriages or arranged marriages where the spouses suffer each other's company for the sake of society and appearances.



for example, if u notice carefully, all the dowry deaths occur only in arranged marriages and very rarely, if at all, in love marriages. shud it then be concluded that most arranged marriages result in the bride's death?

[Arti]

not again...

IMO, ppl feel most love marriages fail coz ppl talk a lot abt failed love marriages. no one talks abt successful love marriages. even if 1 love marriage fails, ppl use that as an example to paint most love marriages as potential divorce cases.

on the other hand, no one talks of failed arranged marriages or arranged marriages where the spouses suffer each other's company for the sake of society and appearances.

for example, if u notice carefully, all the dowry deaths occur only in arranged marriages and very rarely, if at all, in love marriages. shud it then be concluded that most arranged marriages result in the bride's death?

So, its what gets media attention...



It never really is about the kind of marriage... its almost always about the people in it. A friend once told me she preferred an arranged marriage because if something went wrong, she could always transfer the blame to her parents/family. And that in the case of a love marriage... if it failed, then her family'd say "I told you so"



I found that so terribly amusing... that one thinks of what happens in case of failure and bases life's decisions on that... instead of focussing on makiing it work!

[Kavita]

I will never agree to the following: "Love marriages are a failuer. Arranged marrages are a sucess." Dont you see maximum number of bride buring in arranged marriages. dont you see so many break up, dont you see so many non-break ups but live in misery and black outs. its never the type of marriage, its understanding between the two that makes a better marriage.

Love is equally important Sharjeel.