by Vulcan » Wed Jul 28, 2004 7:07 pm
The best way to make Bond seem different without compromising on his trademark image (a wisecracking, aging, but invincible, hero) is to Tollywoodize him. Excusing the crass factor in that word, we really can bring in some serious meat into the movie. Creates room for innumerable permutations and combinations. Here are a few examples:
Example 1:
Voluptous lady, skin-dipping in a two-piece: "So, James, what was that prized family possession of yours that you wanted to show me in private?" *bat**bat**bat*
James: "come closer, but beware, it's sorta large."
Voluptuous lady: "Oh.... James..."
James: "Tassadiyya, here it is!" Quickly removes from under his dhoti a fat yellow thread.
Voluptuous lady: "Oh, kinky devil, you."
James: "What kinky, ni bondha! This is the same sacred thread my grandfather tied to my grandmother. My father then used it to marry my mother. Now I shall tie it to you to marry you."
Voluptuous lady: Now completely covered from head to toe except her lips - it's hard to make out dialogues when lips are also covered, but no lipstick anyway. "Oh, you are my ultimate man, James. I will be your wife for the next 7 lives."
Example 2:
Villain, with a diabolical scheme to takeover the world, after seeing Bond in his hideout: "How dare you enter my den, Mr. Bond? You think you can beat me here?"
James: Thunderously slapping his thigh and fiercely twisting his moustache, thus setting off, accidentally, his moustache tear gas and his thigh sling-shot. Ouch! "I came to your continent. I came to your region. I came to your country. I came to your city. I came to your area. I came to your hideout. I came to your room. Now, if you think I came all this way to french kiss you, wake up and smell my crumpled suit. So many visas, all the jetlag, the passports, the customs, sheeesh! Do you know that I've been sleeping for the past 14 years because I didn't know if it was night or day due to time difference?
Villain: *shiver**shiver*
Example 3:
Voluptuous lady #2: Starts singing and dancing as soon as she sees James. "Day before yesterday an ant bit me. Yesterday an ant bit me. Again it's biting me. As I'm screaming at it, it still keeps biting me, what the hell should I do, dude?"
James: Giggling and feeling proud of his new brand promotions(Chandana Brothers, Parachute Oil etc.) - "If it bit you the day before and yesterday, how much, girl, does it love you? Who knows what sweet stuff you've hidden where..."
Etc.