Medical Entrance Special!

[HH]

Non-Medical Departure Special!

* 700 Animals Perish in High Tech Lab Mishap!

A Failure in the Air-Conditioning System resulted in the Death of Nearly 700 Lab Animals, mostly in Neo-Natal Stage, in the newly-built Modern Laboratory of Industrial and Toxicology Research Centre (ITRC) in Lucknow. Here are the Brute Facts:

• The Deaths Occurred on the Night of 2 June.

• Most of them Died in the Neo-Natal Stage

• Rain hit the Power Supply at the most modern Gheru Complex near Lucknow

• The 700 Animals Dead Included Guinea Pigs, Pups of Rats and Mice, Adult Rats and Mice.

- TNIE, 2 July 2004, p 1.





--------------

[HH]

Visit:

http://www.ahajokes.com/random_medical_jokes.shtml

Departure Special!

We are the Best of Friends

The patient shook his doctor's hand in gratitude and said, "Since we are the best of friends, I would not want to insult you by offering payment. But I would like for you to know that I had mentioned you in my will."



"That is very kind of you," said the doctor emotionally, and then added, "Can I see that prescription I just gave you? I'd like to make a little change."

--------------



--------------

[HH]

Fight Fear & Fat!

* Ten Steps to Fight Fear

You Want To Be Happy, You Want To Worry … You Choose! Shake Off Your Fears & Worries. Ten Steps To Help You Fight Fear:

1. Analyse What You Fear



2. “You Can Solve Your Problem!”

3. Study Statistics

4. Overcome Fear of Making a Mistake

5. Introspect

6. Be Realistic

7. Do What You Fear

8. Work On Problems As Soon As They Emerge

9. Address Shortcomings Promptly

10. “Trust in God!”

- TNIE / Health, 6 July 2004, p1

* Fight the Fat

Fight the Bulge … Some Overeat Yet Stay Slim … Others Eat “Very Little” Yet Go Over-Weight. Hence, “Eat What You Can!” – TNIE / Health, 6 July, p 4.

--------------



--------------

[HH]

Visit:

http://www.ahajokes.com/random_medical_jokes.shtml

People Are Ignoring Me

A Patient WalksInto a Doctor's Office.



Patient: Doctor, People Ignore Me.



Doctor: Next!

--------------



--------------

[HH]

"Complications" Medical - 7 / 7

# "The stories here are true."

# "I was on trauma duty when a young man about twenty years old was rolled in, shot in the buttock. His pulse, blood pressure, and breathing were all normal. … I looked him over from head to toe … I found the entrance wound in his right cheek, a neat, red, half-inch hole. I could find no exit wound. No other injuries were evident. … We made a fast, deep slash down the middle of the abdomen … pulled him open … We found nothing inside … No blood. No hole in the bladder. No hole in the rectum. No bullet. … We sewed him up. A couple of days later, an abdominal X-ray revealed a bullet lodged inside right upper quadrant of his abdomen. … no explanation … how an half-inch-long lead bullet had gotten from his buttock to his upper belly without injuring anything … Having done more harm than the bullet had … We kept him in the hospital for a week. Except for our gash, he turned out fine."

# "Recently, we had a young boy … his breathing … you could hear it three beds away … The scientific literature: “It is deadly dangerous.” … (Football-size tumor enveloping the vessels to the heart was the culprit) … We put a catheter into the right chest and drained off the fluid filling it … the tumor shifted rightward and somehow the airways to both lungs opened up. Instantly, the boy’s breathing became easier and quiet. … Later, I learnt that … the safest thing would have been to put him on a heart-lung bypass pump like the kind used during cardiac surgery … The tumor was found to be a lymphoma … this gave the boy a better than 70 per cent chance of total cure.

"We find medicine … is an imperfect science … full of complications … due to constantly changing knowledge, uncertain information, fallible individuals, and at the same time lives on the line."

# “Complications: A Surgeon’s Notes on an Imperfect Science” is a book about medicine that reads like a thriller. It is in Three Parts:

“Fallibility”, “Mystery” and “Uncertainty.” Dr Atul Gawande, the Surgeon-Author, “offers his readers an insider’s view of both mysteries - that of the body and that of its caretakers.”

It is Published by Picador of New York.

Happy Fascinating Insightful Reading of "Medical" Book!

---------------



---------------

[HH]

Mon(k)ey!

Visit:

http://www.revelate-rock.com/jokes7.htmisit:

Woman and Her Baby

A woman got on a bus holding a baby. The bus driver looked at the child and blurted out, "That`s the ugliest baby I've ever seen!" Infuriated, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus. The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong. "The bus driver insulted me," she fumed. The man sympathized and said, "Why, he shouldn't say things to insult passengers. He could be fired for that." "You're right," she said. "I think I'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind!" "That's a good idea," the man said. "Here, let me hold your monkey."

--------



--------

[HH]

Visit:

http://www.healthquoteplus.com/generic.html?pid=7

* 3 Doctors at a Convention Talking Shop


The first Doctor says: "I love doing surgery on Artists, they are so colorful: red Hearts, pink Stomachs, green Spleens."

The next Doctor says: "Me, I love doing surgery on Accountants, open them up and all their Parts are numbered, makes it very easy.”

The third Doctor says: "I love doing surgery on Lawyers, they have no Heart, they have no Guts and the Head and the Ass are interchangeable!"

----------



----------

[HH]

* To Learn Baby's Language ...



* Rohit and Anu were delighted when finally their long wait to adopt a baby came to an end. The Adoption Centre called and told them they had a wonderful Russian baby boy, and the Couple took him without hesitation.

On the way home from the Adoption Centre, they stopped by the local college so they each could enroll in night courses. After they filled out the form, the registration clerk inquired, "Whatever has possessed you to study Russian?"

The Couple said proudly, "We just adopted a Russian baby and in a year or so he'll start to talk ... We just want to be able to understand him."



----------



----------

[HH]

Weight Please!

Losing weight is an ongoing battle for me. One day I was moaning to a friend about how some people can just pick at their food like birds.

“Of course, I eat like a bird, too,” I added ruefully. “A vulture.”

~ Irene Moore

-------------



-------------

[HH]

The Code of Ethical Behavior for Patients



1. Do not expect your doctor to share your discomfort.



Involvement with the patient's suffering might cause him to lose valuable scientific objectivity.



2. Be cheerful at all times.



Your doctor leads a busy and trying life and requires all the gentleness and reassurance he can get.



3. Try to suffer from the disease for which you are being treated.



Remember that your doctor has a professional reputation to uphold.



4. Do not complain if the treatment fails to bring relief.



You must believe that your doctor has achieved a deep insight into the true nature of your illness, which transcends any mere permanent disability you may have experienced.



5. Never ask your doctor to explain what he is doing or why he is doing it.



It is presumptuous to assume that such profound matters could be explained in terms that you would understand.



6. Submit to novel experimental treatment readily.



Though the surgery may not benefit you directly, the resulting research paper will surely be of widespread interest.



7. Pay your medical bills promptly and willingly.



You should consider it a privilege to contribute, however modestly, to the well-being of physicians and other humanitarians.



8. Do not suffer from ailments that you cannot afford.



It is sheer arrogance to contract illnesses that are beyond your means.



9. Never reveal any of the shortcomings that have come to light in the course of treatment by your doctor.



The patient-doctor relationship is a privileged one, and you have a sacred duty to protect him from exposure.



10. Never die while in your doctor's presence or under his direct care.



This will only cause him needless inconvenience and embarrassment.

-------------



-------------

Visit: http://www.ahajokes.com/random_medical_jokes.shtml

-------------

[HH]

Visit:

http://www.ahajokes.com/random_medical_jokes.shtml

* Heart Transplan for IT Inspector





A new arrival, about to enter hospital, saw two white coated doctors searching through the flower beds.



"Excuse me," he said, "have you lost something?"



"No," replied one of the doctors. "We're doing a heart transplant for an income-tax inspector and want to find a suitable stone."



----------



----------

[HH]

Brain Transplant



In the hospital, a patient's relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their family member lay gravely ill. Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber. "I'm afraid I am the bearer of bad news," he said as he surveyed the worried faces. "The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It's an experimental procedure, semi-risky, and you will have to pay for the brain yourselves."



The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. At last, someone asked, "Well, how much does a brain cost?"



The doctor quickly responded, "$200 for a female brain, and $500 for a male brain."



The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked. A girl, unable to control her curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, "Why is the male brain so much more?"



The doctor smiled at her childish innocence and then said, "It's a standard pricing procedure. We have to mark the female brains down, because they're used!!!!!!!"

---------------------



---------------------

Visit: http://www.healthquoteplus.com/generic.html?pid=7

---------------------

[HH]

Who Brews Coffee?!



A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.

The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee".



The husband said, " You are in charge of the cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."



Wife replies, "No you should do it, and besides it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."



Husband replies, " I can't believe that, show me."



So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and shows him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says ....... "HEBREWS"

---------------------

So Who Brews the Coffee at CCD Somajiguda on the 18th for the FH Meet! !

---------------------



---------------------

Visit: http://www.healthquoteplus.com/generic.html?pid=7

---------------------

[HH]

Invisible Patient!



An invisible man is here to see you

Nurse: Doctor, there is an invisible man in your waiting room.



Doctor: Tell him I can't see him now. Next. !

---------------------



---------------------

Visit: http://www.ahajokes.com/random_medical_jokes.shtml

---------------------

[HH]

Doctor, Doctor!



Doctor, Doctor!



While sitting on the train one day, the man next to me

started screaming, "Call me a doctor! Call me a doctor!"



I asked, "Are you sick?"



"No," he replied, "I just graduated from medical school."

---------------------



---------------------

Visit: http://www.jokesinthemail.com/doctor-jo ... doctor.htm

---------------------

[HH]

Heavenly Portfolio: Work Distribution among Gods

-------------------------------------------------------

Brahma | Systems Installation

Vishnu | Systems Support

Lakshmi | Finance and Accounts consultant

Shiva | DBA (Crash Specialist)

Ganesh | Documentation Specialist

Narada | Data transfer

Brihaspathi | Chief Information Officer

Yama | Reorganization Consultant

Chitragupta | Personal Records

Apsaras | Downloadable Viruses

Devas | Y2K Programmers

Surya | Solaris Administrator

Rakshasas | In house Hackers

Ram | Hardware Support - Single user specialist

Lakshman | Support Software and Backup

Ravan | Internet Explorer - WWW

Hanuman | RS6000

Baali | Windows 98

Sugreeva | Win 95

Angadh | Win 3.1

Jambhavan | DOS

Vishwamitra | Sr. Manager Projects

Arjun | Lead Programmer (all companies are vying for him)

Abhimanyu | Trainee Programmer

Bhima | MAIN FRAME

Duryodhan | Microsoft Product Written in VB

Shakuni | Bill Gates

Karna | Contract programmer

Shikandi | Steve Jobbs

100 Kauravas | Microsoft Service Packs and patches

Hastinapur | Silicon Valley (*)

PS: (*) In today’s scenario maybe we are moving physically closer to the original Indraprastha (NOIDA & Gurgaon)?

-------------

From "Caravan.com" Ed 212.

-------------

[HH]

Happy Doctor, Happy Doctor!



Happy Doctor, Happy Doctor!



A SPECIAL KIND OF MEDICINE



The healing power of humour has been recognized since antiquity. Everyone knows that 'laughter is the best medicine', but international research has found real physiological and psychological benefits to patients.



The findings are that humour;



* has a positive effect on the cardiovascular & respiratory system. similar to exercise.

* relaxes the muscles

* helps the immune system

* reduces pain

* reduces stress

* helps promote a positive outlook



Laughter that is based on caring and empathy also;



* creates bonds between people

* is nourishing

* helps people cope with difficult situations

* is supportive

* gives people cognitive control

* provides a diversion



‘Hearty laughter is a good way to jog internally without having to go outside’

Norman Cousins. Anatomy of an Illness



The benefits of laughter in more detail are that;



* the immune system is improved because laughter increases the level of killer cells (that fight abnormal cells such as cancer), increases T cells and lowers serum cortisol levels.

* muscle relaxation helps reduce pain.

* laughter induces a feeling of well-being and euphoria. Positive emotions have a positive effect on health.

* it is possible that endorphins are released by the brain (as in 'joggers' high') These work on the endocrine system and adrenal glands to enhance the body's immune system. Endorphins are the body's natural pain-killers



More information can found in the Research Findings Section of this site

---------------------



---------------------

Visit: http://www.humourfoundation.com.au/index.php?page=230

---------------------

[HH]

Happy Doctor, Happy Doctor - 5 / 8



Happy Doctor, Happy Doctor - 5 / 8



THE LATEST NEWS IN LAUGHTER



* "It doesn't matter why you laugh. Even in small doses, it improves our overall quality of life. You can condition people to feel more positive."

Jodi Deluca, Ph.D., Neuroscientist, Embry-Riddle Aeronautical University, Daytona Beach, Florida.



Dose yourself with laughter daily by sharing jokes with friends or co-workers, having fun, watching funny videos or TV, or reading humorous cartoons or satire. Seek out opportunities to share a laugh.



* Laughter Therapy in Brazil



A Brazilian health centre is treating patients suffering from depression, stress and diabetes with 'laughter therapy'. Patients who attend the weekly sessions, at Fortaleza, north-eastern Brazil, are encouraged to all laugh out loud together. To help put patients in the mood, staff organise activities, such as paper fights and karaoke sessions, to make them laugh. Pensioner Aldira Rodrigues told Jornal Hoje: "I have been to many doctors and have never seen anything like that before. I found it weird at first."



Dr Jaqueline Sales said: "Laugh can help in the treatment of various conditions, especially those connected to depression, anxiety, hypertension and diabetes."

* Laughter on the Menu



if you have diabetes, makes sure you put laughter on the menu when planning your meals. Positive emotions such as laughter may help to control spikes in blood sugar levels after a meal. People in a study who watched a funny video during dinner had lower blood sugar levels after the meal compared to the people who watched a lecture video during dinner. Keeping blood sugar levels stable will help to ward off diabetic complications.



Laughter lowered the increase in postprandial blood glucose.

Hayashi K, Hayashi T, Iwanaga S, Kawai K, Ishii H, Shoji S, Murakami K.

http://www.care.diabetesjournals.org/cg ... l/26/5/165



* Laughing aloud



Laughter is contagious. But to really share the benefits you may have to laugh out loud. A recent study revealed that voiced, songlike laughter elicits a more positive response from listeners than an unvoiced laugh.



Laughing out loud may help your friends and family members to share in the stress-reducing benefits of a belly laugh.



Not all laughs are alike: voiced but not unvoiced laughter readily elicits positive affects.

Bachorowski JA, Owren MJ.





* Hearty laughs



A recent study indicated that people with a good sense of humour and a propensity to laugh may be less likely to develop heart disease compared to people who possess antisocial, type A personalities. Meeting stressful situations with a sense of humour may be particularly relevant to heart health.



* Doses of laughter may help relieve hay-fever symptoms



According to a recent study, fostering a happy frame of mind may bring allergy symptom relief. In the study, the allergic responses of study participants were significantly lower after viewing a humorous videotape than they were after viewing a non-humorous tape.



Researchers are not sure why laughter may alleviate allergic symptoms. However, laughter does reduce stress, tension, and anxiety, which may help strengthen the immune system.

Effect of humour on allergen-induced wheat reactions. Kimata, H., Journal of the American Medical Association 2001 Feb 14; 285(6):738.

---------------------



---------------------

Visit: http://www.humourfoundation.com.au/index.php?page=230

---------------------

[HH]

Spreading Laughter: Happy Doctor, Happy Doctor - 6 / 8



Spreading Laughter



Clown Doctors will be spreading laughter through the wards and corridors of Monash Medical Centre, Vic on a fortnightly basis. ‘Working with the children who have been visited by the Clown Doctors I see the immense benefits of this program”, said Play Education Manager, Maria Curtis.



'Children are not the only beneficiaries from these visits – family members enjoy their visits and some normality enters their lives as they momentarily forget their worries and enjoy a good laugh. The whole atmosphere on the ward changes when the Clown Doctors are present – everyone relaxes and staff enjoy the “clown rounds” as much as the patients’, she said.



Monash Medical Centre provides Victoria’s second largest paediatric service, with 11 000 in-patient annually. 100 of the 700 beds are for children and adolescents. In addition 20 000 children and adolescents are treated in Emergency. The Humour Foundation hopes to be able to raise funds so Clown Doctors can visit weekly.



It is thanks to Cranbourne Inner Wheel that the project began, and the District Clubs will be raising Funds to continue the program

---------------------



---------------------

Visit: http://www.humourfoundation.com.au/index.php?page=258

---------------------

[HH]

Visit:

http://specials.rediff.com/movies/mehmood.htm

* Remembering Mehmood


Mehmood trekked to the peak of success the hard way.

He played insignificant roles, taught Meena Kumari table tennis, drove a car for filmmaker P L Santoshi.

Then one day, all that hard work paid off.

Movie moguls began to acknowledge his talent. In just a few years, Mehmood was the caliph of comedy, more famous than many Bollywood stars.

On July 23, after enduring a long illness with his characteristic wit, the legendary comic passed into the ages.

rediff.com remembers with gratitude a man who made millions of Indians laugh in times when there was little else to smile about.

----------



----------

[HH]

Visit:

http://www.mail-archive.com/gay_bombay@ ... 00339.html

Massive Myocardial Infarct (Heart Attack) ... OR M I F ...

One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct (heart attack).

Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a "Massive Internal Fart." ----------



----------

[Red Combat]

Real life IAS i.e. UPSC Exam 1998 Interview Question and there Answer given by Candidates oh sorry IAS Officer now.



Q.How can you drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking it?

A.Concrete floors are very hard to crack! (UPSC Topper)





Q.If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall, how long would it take four men to build it?

A. No time at all it is already built. (UPSC 23 Rank Opted for IFS)





Q.If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand and four apples and three oranges in the other hand, what would you have?

A. Very large hands.(Good one) (UPSC 11 Rank Opted for IPS)





Q. How can you lift an elephant with one hand?

A. It is not a problem, since you will never find an elephant with one hand. (UPSC Rank 14 Opted for IES)





Q. How can a man go eight days without sleep?

A. No Probs, He sleeps at night. (UPSC IAS Rank 98)



Q. If you throw a red stone into the blue sea what it will become?

A. It will Wet or Sink as simple as that. (UPSC IAS Rank 2)





Q. What looks like half apple?

A : The other half. (UPSC - IAS Topper)





Q. What can you never eat for breakfast?

A : Dinner.





Q. What happened when wheel was invented?

A : It caused a revolution.



Q. Bay of Bengal is in which state?

A : Liquid (UPSC 33Rank )

[Red Combat]

Funny SMSs:

hi Good morning...Have u done two of the most important things when you wake up

today?

1)Pray, so that u may live...

2)Take a bath-so that others may live too!



*



Hi

Could u fax me ur photo very very urgently ? Mind u - it's really very very

urgent, damn serious and very imp ......

I'm playing cards and we've misplaced the JOKER.



*



Good looks catch the eyes but Good Personality catches the heart, You are

blessed with both!

FLATTERED???

Don't Be, it was sent to me, just wanted you to read it.



*



To live a life, one needs brains, reflex, perception, looks, IQ, knowledge,

way of _expression & many more mental qualities. Hats off 2 u coz u manage 2

live without them.



*



Once god came up 2 me & granted me a wish. I asked 4 'world peace'.

That's impossible, he sai! d. Then I asked him 2 give u brains. He said 'Let

me try world peace'



*



From Mon to Sun, From Jan To Dec, From birth till my death, my feelings 4 u

have never changed. For me, you've always been........... a headache.



*



1 day u'll B srprisd 2C ME beside U. U & ME laughing, U & ME crying, U & ME

dreaming, U & ME holding on, U & ME... just U & ME sitting in a MENTAL

HOSPITAL & ME CHECKING U.



*



If u save this msg, it means I'm cute. If u edit this, I'm still cute. If u

fwd this, u r spreading that i'm cute & if u erase this, u r jealous of me

coz i'm cute!



*

[Red Combat]

Anger Management

I was sitting at my desk, when I remembered a phone call I had forgotten to make. I found the number, and dialed it.



A man answered saying, "Hello?".



I politely said, "This is Fred Hanifin, could I please speak with Robin Carter?". Suddenly, the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe

that anyone could be so rude.



I tracked down Robin's correct number, and called her (I had transposed the last two digits of her phone number).



After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again. When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled "You're an a$$hole!" and

hung up. I wrote his number down, with the word 'a$$hole' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer.



Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're an a$$hole!"



It always cheered me up.



When Caller ID came to our area, I thought my therapeutic 'a$$hole' calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this is John Smith from the Telephone Company. I'm just calling to see if you're familiar with the caller ID program?" He yelled, "NO!" and slammed the phone down.



I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an a$$hole!"



So, one day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some boy in a black BMW cut me off, and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I had been waiting for the spot. The idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his car window, so I wrote down his number.



A couple of days later, right after calling the first a$$hole (I had his number on speed dial), I thought I had better call the BMW a$$hole, too. I dialed and someone said "Hello?"



I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?"



"Yes it is."



"Can you tell me where I can see it?"



"Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house and the car's parked right out front."



"What's your name?" I asked.



"My name is Don Hansen," he said.



"When's a good time to catch you, Don?"



"I'm home every evening after five."



"Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"



"Yes?"



"Don, you're an a$$hole!" Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too. Now, when I had a problem, I had two a$$holes to call.



But after several months of calling them, it wasn't as enjoyable as it used to be.



So, I came up with an idea: I called A$$hole #1.



"Hello?"



"You're an a$$hole!" (but I didn't hang up.)



"Are you still there?" he asked.



"Yeah," I said.



"Stop calling me," he screamed.



"Make me," I said.



"Who are you?" he asked.



"My name is Don Hansen."



"Yeah? Where do you live?"



"A$$hole, I live at 1802 West 34th Street, a yellow house with my black Beemer out front."



He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers."



I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, a$$hole."



Then I called A$$hole #2:



"Hello?" he said.



"Hello a$$hole," I said.



He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are..."



"You'll what?" I said.



"I'll kick your ass," he exclaimed.



I answered, "Well, a$$hole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now."



Then, I hung up, and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 1802 West 34th Street, and I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover.



Then, I called Channel 13 News about the gang war going down on West 34th Street. I quickly got into my car and headed over to 34th Street. There, I saw two a$$holes beating the crap out of each other in front of 6 squad cars, a police helicopter, and news crew.





I feel much better now!!

[HH]

* Real life IAS i.e. UPSC Exam 1998 Interview Question and there Answer given by Candidates oh sorry IAS Officer now.
* Funny SMSs

Re: For your "IAS Q&As" and "SMSs", Thank You, RC!



----------



----------