Humor...or something like it.

[Stingrae]

As it says...post ur fav funnies here...

anything goes...one-liners/short jokes/2 page stories/ur life/disgusting-puke-inducing crap/jokes in bad taste/jokes wit racial-genderbias.....i mean all d good sh!t!!

well dat is as much as d mods will allow...



i'll start wit a short one..

__________________________________________________________



My wife ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?"

The driver said, "No, jump in!".



___________________________________________________________

[azazel]

Oh My God, Stingrae started a topic



what say Jasz?

[The Crackednut]

Oh My God, Stingrae started a topic

what say Jasz?

HHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA....







**falls off chair with tears rolling from eye.**



funny as hell man... !!!!!!



good joke azazel... what's ur next joke gonna be on this "humour" thread??

[CtrlAltDel]

Signs She's Getting Bored Having Sex With You



Her moans of delight discovered to actually be a WAV file.



Gets very upset when the ashtray falls off your ass.



Last time she screamed during sex was the first time she won at solitaire.



Only moans during commercial breaks.



Starts her fake orgasms during foreplay.



Keeps trying to set you up with her friends.



You begin to suspect she is only "playing" dead.



Instead of asking to leave her shirt on, she wants to leave her pants on too.



Keeps asking, "Are you SURE you're not gay?"



Holds up a picture of the Playboy centerfold to hurry you along.



Asks to be on top so she can balance her checkbook more easily.



She yells out her own name.

======

[The Royal Sting]

i know i know...

i had to think twice...THRICE before i actually went ahead n started a topic....but as i dont THINK a lot...i did...

where d f is jasz?!

b!tches...





________________________________________________________

One day, Harry came upon a big, long ladder that stretched into the clouds. He'd walked this way every day and this ladder was never there before. Curious and brave, he began to climb. Eventually, he climbed into the layer of clouds, and saw this rather large, homely woman lying here on a cloud.

She spoke, "Take me now or climb the ladder to success!"

Harry figured success had to be better than this, so he continued climbing. He came upon another level of clouds, and found a thinner, cuter woman than before.

She also spoke, "Take me now or climb the ladder to success!"

Harry saw that his luck was changing and so continued his climb. On another level of clouds, he found a rather attractive woman with not so bad of a figure.

She stated, "Take me now or climb the ladder to success!"

Harry really liked his advantage now! He climbed quickly and deftly, and sure enough, on the next level, he found a gorgeous, lithe, well-endowed woman lying seductively on the cloud.

"Take me now or climb the ladder to success," she huskily whispered.

Harry couldn't believe his eyes, but his greed got the best of him. He climbed to the next level, expecting Aphrodite or similar. Suddenly, the ladder ends, and a latch closes behind

him. He looks over to see a 400 pound, 6'8" hairy biker- looking guy with tattoos. The biker gets up and walks menacingly toward Harry.

Apprehensively, Harry whispers, "Who are you?"

The biker answers, "I'm Cess."



________________________________________________________

[akhilis2cool]

Thers this guy who has never been to a Nude Beach.



So one day he decides to visit one...



As he is walking towards the beach he finds a notice board which reads BE WARE OF HOMOSEXUALS. He gets curious.....but ignores it and keeps walikng and finds another board which says the same thing.....he still keep walikng.



Then after some distance he finds a small board very close to the ground, he is so curious that he bends down to read it.



the board say : WE WARNED U

[azazel]

good ones Stingrae n Akhil.. here's another:



There was a Sardarji who was down on his luck. In order to raise some money he decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom. He went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree, and told him, "I've kidnapped you." The Sardarji then wrote a note saying: "I've kidnappedyour kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag & put it beneath the mango tree next to the slide on the north side of the city play ground".Signed, "A Sardarji".The Sardarji then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents.The next morning the Sardarji checked, and sure enough a paper bag was sitting beneath the mango tree. The Sardarji opened up the bag and found the $10,000 with a note saying, "How could you do this to a fellow Sardarji?!"

[Stingboi]

i dont feel like typin a lot tonite...or even Ctrl+C'in a lot tonite...

dats not sayin i type a lot everynite...i mean i do type some...wtf...ON WIT D JOKE or somethin like it...



Meanwhile back in the ranch,tension mounted;kicked his spurs n rode off.







i reallly love dat one.

[azazel]

Banta complained to a doctor that he wetted his

bed every night. Before

it happens, do you see any dreams? the doctor

said.



Yes, doctor. Usually I see a dream in which a

small demon comes and

says, 'Let's pee. OK, the doctor said. Next time

you see the demon, say,

No, we've already peed.



Next time Banta came to the doctor, the latter

asked, So? Did you do as

I said?



Yes, I did.

Did it help?

No, doctor. Only, it made the matter worse.

How?



As I said 'We've already peed,' the demon nodded

and said, 'Then, let's

shit a little.

[Stingrae]

Dis guy had a top of d line stereo dat was voice activated,if he said "linkin park", linkin park would play.If he said "The beatles" The beatles would play. d next day when he got home some kids were trying to steal it he ran inside and screamed "F*CKING KIDS!"











Michael jackson started playing.





__________________



A golfer whose cart broke down flagged down a passing bus and got aboard. He sat down on the bus, with his pants pockets full of golf balls, next to a little old lady.



The little old lady kept looking quizzically at him and his bulging pockets. Finally, after many such glances from her he said, "It's golf balls."



The little old lady continued to look at him thoughtfully and finally said, "Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"

[azazel]

ek sher Stingrae ki nazar:



Train ki patri pe mat hagaa karo

Train aayegi gaa** kat jayegi

Aaj haath se gaa** dhote ho

Kal gaa** se haath dho baithoge

[Stingrae]

ole sms but wt the heck..

thank u for postin in me thread...



Two flies are sitting on a piece of sh*t. All of a sudden one fly farts. The other fly looks at him and says, "Dude... not while we're eating!"



muahahahahahahaha!!!

[akhilis2cool]

Angrezoon ke zamaane ka joke...I had posted it in one of my older posts...but i am doing it again...



There is this British general living in Chennai (Then Madras) who is invited to dinner by one of the city businessmen. The general was served Sambar and rassam, south indian style...hot and spicy.



Th next day he says to his wife after S******:



Now I know why these guys use water instead of toilet paper.



Wife asks why?



He replies......The paper would just burn off!!!

[asli_badmash]

ek sher Stingrae ki nazar:

Train ki patri pe mat hagaa karo
Train aayegi gaa** kat jayegi
Aaj haath se gaa** dhote ho
Kal gaa** se haath dho baithoge

Very funny.... I cant stop laughing...

[agonys_Requiem]

here's one





Keywords: Bureaucracy





MEMORANDUM



From: Headquarters - New York

To: General Managers



Next Thursday at 10:30 Halley's Comet will appear over this area. This is

an event which occurs only once every 75 years. Notify all directors and

have them arrange for all employees to assemble on the Company lawn and inform them of the occurrence of this phenomenon. If it rains, cancel the

day's observation and assemble in the auditorium to see a film about the

comet.





MEMORANDUM



From: General Manager

To: Managers



By order of the Executive Vice President, next Thursday at 10:30, Halley's

Comet will appear over the Company lawn. If it rains, cancel the day's

work and report to the auditorium with all employees where we will show

films: a phenomenal event which occurs every 75 years.





MEMORANDUM



From: Manager

To: All Department Chiefs



By order of the phenomenal Vice President, at 10:30 next Thursday, Halley's Comet will appear in the auditorium. In case of rain over the Company lawn, the Executive Vice President will give another order, something which occurs only every 75 years.





MEMORANDUM



From: Department Chief

To: Section Chiefs



Next Thursday at 10:30 the Executive Vice President will appear in the

auditorium with Halley's Comet, something which occurs every 75 years. If it rains, the Executive Vice President will cancel the comet and order us

all out to our phenomenal Company lawn.



MEMORANDUM



From: Section Chief

To: All EA's



When it rains next Thursday at 10:30 over the Company lawn, the phenomenal 75 year old Executive Vice President will cancel all work and appear before all employees in the auditorium accompanied by Bill Halley and his Comets.





i thought this was real cute....

[BM]

As it says...post ur fav funnies here...
anything goes...one-liners/short jokes/2 page stories/ur life/disgusting-puke-inducing crap/jokes in bad taste/jokes wit racial-genderbias.....i mean all d good sh!t!!
well dat is as much as d mods will allow...

i'll start wit a short one..
__________________________________________________________

My wife ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?"
The driver said, "No, jump in!".

___________________________________________________________

Good one

[CtrlAltDel]

Q. Why don't men know the meaning of fear?



A. They only know one four-letter word beginning with F.

************

A woman was on the witness stand, accused of poisoning her husband.



"After you put poison in the coffee, you sat at the breakfast table and watched your husband drink it. Tell me, didn't you feel the slightest bit of pity for him?" the defense attorney prompted.



"Yes," she replied, "I think there was one moment when I felt sorry for him."



"And when was that?"



"When he asked for his second cup".

**************

This guy was sitting in his attorney's office. "Do you want the bad news first or the terrible news?" the lawyer said.



"Give me the bad news first."



"Your wife found a picture worth a half-million dollars."



"That's the bad news?" asked the man incredulously. "I can't wait to hear the terrible news."



"The terrible news is that it's of you and your secretary in the picture."

======

[CtrlAltDel]

another one....



Not long after the marriage, Tom met his father for lunch.



"Well son," asked the dad, "how is married life treating you?"



"Not very well, I'm afraid. It seems that I married a nun."



"A nun??" his father exclaimed.



"That's right. None in the morning, none at night and none unless I beg."



The father nodded knowingly, and patted his son on the back. "Why don't we all get together for a nice talk tonight?"



Toms face brightened. "Say Dad, that's a great idea."



"Fine. I'll call and tell Mother Superior to set two extra plates."



======

[azazel]

Very funny.... I cant stop laughing...

thx Badmash..



AR, for u :



Corporate lesson 1

A man is getting into the shower, just as his wife is finishing up her
shower when
the doorbell rings. After a few seconds of arguing over which one should go
and
answer the doorbell, the wife gives up, quickly wraps herself up in a towel
and runs
downstairs.
When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbour.
Before she says a word, Bob says, " I'll give you 800 dollars to drop that
towel that
you have on ! "
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in
front
of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her 800 dollars and leaves.
Confused, but excited about her good fortune, the woman wraps back up in the

towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets back to the bathroom, her
husband
asks from the shower
"Who was that? "
"It was Bob the next door neighbour! "she replies.
"Great" the husband says,"Did he say anything about the 800 dollars he owes
me ?"

Moral of the story:
If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk, in time
with your
stakeholders, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure!!

[BM]

[quote="CtrlAltDel"][/quote]



Good ones CAD

[akhilis2cool]

Talking of corporate lessons heres my contribution



A bird was flying south for the winter.

It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground in a large field.

A cow came by and dropped some dung on it.

As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung it began to realise how warm it was, the dung was actually thawing him out.

He lay there all warm and happy and soon began to sing for joy.

A passing cat heard the bird and came to investigate.

Following the sound the cat discovered the bird and promptly dug him out and ate him.



Morals of the story:

1. Not everyone who drops shit on you is your enemy

2. Not everyone who gets u out of shit is your friend

3. And when u are in deep shit keep your mouth shut.

[azazel]

Who's in charge??



"I should be in charge" said the blood, "because I circulate oxygen all

over so without me you'd all waste away."



"I should be in charge, " said the stomach,"because I process food and

give all of you energy."



"I should be in charge" said the legs, "because I carry the body wherever

it needs to go."



"I should be in charge" said the eyes, "because I allow the body to see

where it goes."



"I should be in charge, "said the rectum, "Because I'm responsible for

waste removal."



All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in a

huff, he shut down tight. Within a few days, the brain had a terrible

headache, the stomach was bloated, the legs got wobbly, the eyes got

watery, and the blood was toxic. They all decided that the rectum should be the boss.



The Moral of the story?



The _ is usually in charge

[gods_gift2_mankind]

ok here's one



a man and his wife attend a party at the man's boss' place

the man gets totally sozzled... n awakens the next morning without knowing what the hell happened. His wife comes to him.



Wife: Are u happy? look what you did last night. humiliated us so much, that your boss had to throw us out.

Husband: Piss on him!

Wife: U did!! N u lost ur job

Husband: F*** him

Wife: I did! u can start again Monday

[azazel]

Ek Jungle mein ek sher tha. Sher bahut harami tha, woh

Jungle ke kisi bhi janwar ko laga deta tha. Paas ke Gaon wale log

darr gaye, sochane lage agar sher aise hi sabko lagata raha to

saare sher hi paida ho jayenge!



Ek bahut famous shikari the uska naam tha "Ek Goli Shikari"

because wo ek hi goli mein kisi ko bhi maar deta tha. Usko bulaaya

gaya sher ke shikar ke liye. Yeh sunkar Sher ki to fat gayi na

bhidu. Sher bhi hoshiyaar ho gaya. Aakhir ek baar sher shikari

ko dikh hi gaya aur shikari ne fire ki, dhaayyy....



Sher apani chalaki se bach gaya. Aab to shikari ke paas doosari

goli bhi nahi thi. Shikari ki fat gayi wo sochane laga aaj to

sala maar hi dalega. Lekin nahi, sher hasne laga ha ha ha ha ha.

Sher ne usko bulaaya " idhar aa bhen****, idhar aa." Shikari

gaya. Sher ne bola "chal khol ke jhuk ja". Shikari ne waisa hi

kiya, sher ne shikari ki achi tarah bajaayee aur shikari ko zinda

chod diya. Shikari ko bahot bura laga aur socha "bhen**** sher ne

ga*** maari. Isse acha to saala meri jaan hi le leta". Shikari ne

phaisala kiya, isase to badala loonga hi.



6 mahine baad shikari bahut practice karke wapas aaya. Jungle mein

sher ko dhoondate hue. Sher ko pata laga ki ek goli shikari phir

aa gaya hai aur woh bhi shyana ban gaya. Phir ek din shikari ne

sher ko gaaon ke paas hi pakad liya aur goli chala di. Lekin sher

phir bach gaya. Phir se sher ne saare gaaon walon ke samane

shikari ki ga*** maari. Shikari ko to laga ki ab khud kushi kar

loon, lekin phir usne socha ab to sher ne ga*** maar hi li hai to

ab to mai sher ko maar ke hi rahoonga.



Phir shikari ek saal baad aisi practice karke aaya ki agar wo

aankh band karke bhi goli maare to nishane pe lage. Phir sher

hoshiyaar ho gaya. Shikari ne sher ko dekha aur uske lu** ko

nishana bana kar goli maari. Sher ko bhi usi samay moot aaya tha

to usne taang utha di mootane ke liye, aur sher phir bach gaya.

Phir shikari ne socha,."oh shit aaj bhi ga*** maarega", to sher ke

bolne se pahele hi shikari ne kapade utaar diye aur jhukgayaa.

Sher bahut zor se hasa.. ha ha ha ha ha, "Idhar aa madar**** idhar

aa". Shikari dar dar ke gaya. Sher ne kaha "abe bho*** ke too

yanha shikar karne aata hai ki ga*** maraane"?

[akhilis2cool]

Ek bar Sher aur sherni uski gufaa mein baithe hote hai. Ek Lomdi unki gufaa ke baahar aake chillane lagta hai....Abe oh sher ki aulaad..G**** meindum ahi to baahar nikal.....

Sherni ko gussa aajata hai aur woh sher se bolti hai woh tumhe lalkar raha hai....jaao use sabak sikhake aao. Lekin sher anna bolte....kuch nahi abhi chala jaayega



Kuch der baad lomdi phir shuru ho jata .....abr teri %^$#&*^*( baahar nikal be.....



Sher phir sher ko bolti hai ke bahar jjao par woh phir mana kar deta hai.



Ab sherni ko gussa aajata hai....ek bar aur bolega to aregaa.....aur tabhi lomdi phir aawaz lagat hai....abe teri M*(*^%^%&)(+_ baahar aabe...



sher ke mana karne par bhi sher baahar jaati hai lomdi ko maarne



lomdi anna usko bhaga bhaga ke V shape ke jhaad mein kood jate...lekin sherni us jhaad mein atak jaati.....to anna aaram se aake 3 - 4 baar lagake chale jaate.



Kuch der baar sherni gufe mein aate....



Sher bolta...Laga diya na? Bola mat jaane ko....meri paanch baar maradiya abtak