The Mother-of-all-Joke-Collections!!!

[devi]

Who is a Hyderabadi?1. Your address reads as 23-404-32/67A-43 (New MCH number 56-678/4A/B-22),while you actually live in the second house beside Zamzam cafe in lane behind Anand Theatre on SP Road.2. You end up buying only a salwar kameez, whether it is a theatre workshop, food mela, consumer expo,designer jewellery show, science show or an automobile convention.3. Your street has at least one roadside mobile hotel that serves Chinese delicacies such as \"Vegetable soft needles\", \"Navrotten Kurma\", \"Chicken Manchewurea\" or\"American Chompsee\". 4. Your answer is \'seedha chale jao\' when somebody asks you for directions, whether it is to Malakpet,Masab Tank, Malkajgiri or Moosapet.5. You come across tailors sporting the board:\"Immidiot delivery in two days onli.\"6.You can speak Hindi, Urdu, hyderabadi hinglish,except Telugu, fluently.7.You ask the waiter to get you some \'Mango pickle\' even if you are sitting at a lavish continental banquet dinner with exotic Chinese, Mexican,Italian and Lebanese cuisines.9. You order for a tea just after having had a Caramel custard.10. You have at least one cousin, friend, colleague or acquaintance in the US in software.11. Everytime somebody gives you a piece of good news,the first thing you ask them is \'Party kab hain?\'12. You refer to any past as \'parso\', be it yesterday or long before three hundred years.13. You call 11 AM as \"subah subah.\"14. You label your boss as \'Dimakh Kharab\' 15. You are 15 minutes late and you feel you are on time.16. You look at the fixed price stand and still ask \'dene ka bolo\' 17. You are reading this and secretly admitting that you are, after all, a true blue Hyderabadi. you know one thing..... Once a Hyderabadi, always a Hyderabadi and only we Hyderabadis can relate to it.

[Devi]

Pyaarey puttar,
Vahe Guru.I\' m writing this letter slow, because I know you
cannot read fast.We don\'t live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the paper that most accidents happen 20 miles from home, so we moved 20 miles. I won\'t be able
to send the address as the last Sardar who stayed here took the house numbers with them for their new house so they wouldn\'t have to change their address.This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine situated right above the commode. I\'m not sureit works too well. Last week I put in 3 shirts, pulled the chain and haven\'t seen them since.
The weather here isn\' t too bad. It rained only twice last week. The first it rained for 3 days and second time for 4 days.The coat you wanted me to send you, your Aunt said it
would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with all the metal buttons, so we cut them off and put them in the pocket.Your father has another job. He has 500 men under him.He is cutting the grass at the cemetery.Your sister had a baby this morning. I haven\'t found out whether it\' s a girl or a boy, so I don\'t know whether you are an Aunt or Uncle.Your uncle, Jatinder fell in the nearby oil well. Some
men tried to pull him out, but he fought them off bravely and drowned. We cremated him and he burned for three days.
Your best friend, Balwinder, is no more. He died trying to fulfil his father\' s last wishes. His father had wished to be buried in the sea after he died. And your friend died while in the process of digging a grave for his father. There isn\'t much more news this time. Nothing much has happened.Love.Mom.P.S. : I was going to send you some money but the envelope was already sealed.

[laughing_riot]

Too good jokes......Way to Go....keep them coming...the toothbrush one was the best!

[Burp]

Hyderabadi goes into a Television store asks the salesman \"Do you have color TVs?\", the salesman says\"Yes sir\", then the Hyderabadi says \"Give me a green one\"...!!!

[Court Jester]

Thanks laugh_riot..but where\'s your contribution??!!

<br>Shaadi ke Baad Quotes:
My wife dresses to kill. She also cooks the same way.
Henny Youngman

------------------------------------------------------
<br>My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we
met. Rodney Dangerfield

----------------------------------------------------------
<br>A good wife always forgives her husband when she\'s
wrong. Milton Berle
----------------------------------------------------------
<br> I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a
jury. George Burns
----------------------------------------------------------
<br>I bought my wife a new car. She called and said,
?There was water in the carburettor.\"
I asked her , \"Where\'s the car?\" She replied, \"In the
lake.\" Henny Youngman
----------------------------------------------------------
<br>Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight. Phyllis Diller
----------------------------------------------------------
<br>The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.
Henny Youngman
----------------------------------------------------------
<br>When a man steals your wife, there is no better
revenge than to let him keep her.
---------------------------------------------------------
<br>My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate.
So I got myself two girlfriends.
----------------------------------------------------------
<br>A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided
Not to report it since the thief was spending much
less than his wife did.
----------------------------------------------------------
<br>Getting married is very much like going to a
restaurant with friends.
You order what you want, then when you see what the
Other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.
----------------------------------------------------------
<br>Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is
finished.
----------------------------------------------------------
<br>A little boy asked his father, \"Daddy, how much does
it cost to get married?\"
The father replied, \"I don\'t know son, I\'m still
paying.\"
---------------------------------------------------------
<br>Young Son: Is it true Dad, that in some parts of
Africa a man doesn\'t know his wife until he marries
her?
Dad: That happens in every country, son.
----------------------------------------------------------
<br>A man placed an ad in the classifieds: \"Wife wanted.\"
The next day he received a hundred letters.
They all said the same: \"You can have mine.\"
---------------------------------------------------------
<br>A woman was telling her friend, \"I made my husband a
millionaire.\"
\"And what was he before you married him?\" asked the
friend. \"A billionaire.\" she replied,
----------------------------------------------------------
<br>A man, upon his engagement, went to his father and
said,\" Dad! I\'ve found a woman just like mother\" His father replied,\"So what do you want? Sympathy?\"
--------------------------------------------------------
<br>Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The
rest cheat in Europe.
----------------------------------------------------------
<br>I married Miss Right. I just didn\'t know her first
name was Always.
---------------------------------------------------------
<br>Losing a wife can be very hard. In my case, it was
almost impossible.
---------------------------------------------------------
<br>A man was complaining to a friend: \"I had it all -
money, a beautiful house, a big car, the love of a
beautiful
woman- and then, BAM! it was all gone!\".
\"What happened?\" asked his friend. \"My wife found
out...\"
----------------------------------------------------------
<br>Just think, if it weren\'t for marriage, men would go
through life thinking they had no faults at all.
---------------------------------------------------------
<br>A successful man is one who makes more money than his
wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
---------------------------------------------------------
<br>A man meets a genie. The genie tells him he can ask
for whatever he wants, but his mother-in-law gets
double of what he gets.

The man thinks for a moment and says, \"Okay, give me
a million dollars and beat me till I\'m half dead.\"
---------------------------------------------------------
<br>Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for
marriage.
They\'ve experienced pain and bought jewelry.
---------------------------------------------------------
<br>How do most men define marriage?
An expensive way to get your laundry done for free.
---------------------------------------------------------
<br>The most effective way to remember your wife\'s
birthday is to forget it once.

---------------------------------------------------------
<br>Words to live by: Do not argue with a spouse who is
packing your parachute.
---------------------------------------------------------
<br>First guy (proudly): \"My wife\'s an angel!\"
Second guy: \"You\'re lucky, mine\'s still alive
---------------------------------------------------------

[laughing_roit]

I am good at reading jokes not in contributing....but you guys keep them coming...thanks a lot

[kanta rao]

20 gems:

1) When we are born we are naked, wet, hungry, and we get smacked on our
arse. From there on in, life gets worse

2) If you think nobody cares whether you\'re dead or alive, try missing a
couple of mortgage payments.

3) The darkest hours come just before the dawn. So if you\'re
going to steal your neighbour\'s milk and newspaper, that\'s the time to do
it.

4) Sex is like air. It only becomes really important when you aren\'t
getting any.

5) Don\'t aspire to become irreplaceable. If you can\'t be replaced, you
can\'t be promoted.

6) Remember, no one is listening until you fart.

7) Never forget that like everyone else, you are unique.

8) Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

9) The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a
flat tyre.

10) Before you judge people, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That
way,when you judge them, you\'re a mile away and you have their shoes.

11) If at first you don\'t succeed, avoid skydiving.

12) Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish,
and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

13) Experience is something you don\'t get until just after you need it.

14) Good judgement comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from
bad judgement.

15) The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it
back in your pocket.

16) There are two theories about how to win an argument with a woman.
Neither one works.

17) Generally speaking, you aren\'t learning much if your lips are moving.
Never miss a good chance to shut up.

18) Some days we are the flies; some days we are the windscreens.

19) Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me,
for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either, just *#&^ off and
leave me alone.

20) Remember not to FORGET that which you do not need to know.

[Shaad-Aabaad]

Hey people, I liked this one..!!!

<br><b>Top 9 reasons to go to work naked:</b>
<br><br><ol>
<li>Your boss is always yelling, \"I wanna see your ass in here by 8:00!\"
<li>Can take advantage of computer monitor radiation to work on your tan.
<li>Inventive way to finally meet that hottie in Human Resources.
<li>\"I\'d love to chip in, but I left my wallet in my pants.\"
<li>To stop those creepy guys in Marketing from looking down your blouse.
<li>People stop stealing your pens after they\'ve seen where you keep them.
<li>Diverts attention from the fact that you also came to work stoned.
<li>Gives \"bad hair day\" a whole new meaning.
<li>No one steals your chair.
</ol>

[Funny]

A woman starts dating a doctor. Before too long she becomes pregnant and they don\'t know what to do. About nine months later, just about the time she is going to give birth, a priest goes into the hospital for a prostate gland infection. The doctor says to the woman, \"I know what we\'ll do. After I\'ve operated on the priest, I\'ll give the baby to him and tell him it was a miracle.\" \"Do you think it will work?\" she asks the doctor.

\"It\'s worth a try,\" he says. So the doctor delivers the baby and then operates on the priest. After the operation he goes in to the priest and says, \"Father, you\'re not going to believe this.\" \"What?\" says the priest. \"What happened?\" \"You gave birth to a child.\" \"But that\'s impossible!\" \"I just did the operation,\"insists the doctor. \"It\'s a miracle! Here\'s your baby.\" About
fifteen years go by, and the priest realizes that he must tell his son the truth. One day he sits the boy down and says, \"Son, I have something to tell you. I\'m not your father.\" The son says, \"What do you mean, you\'re not my
father?\" The priest replies, \"I\'m your mother. The archbishop is your father.\"

[Anil]

A passenger plane on a cross-country trip runs into a terrible storm.
<br>
<br>The plane gets pounded by rain, hail, wind and lightning. The passengers are screaming. They are sure the plane is going to crash and that they are all going to die.
<br>
<br>At the height of the storm, a young woman jumps up and exclaims, \"I can\'t take this anymore! I can\'t just sit here and die like an animal, strapped into a chair. If I am going to die, let me at least die feeling like a woman. Is there anyone here man enough to make me feel like woman?\"
<br>
<br>She sees a hand raise in the back, and a muscular man starts to walk up to her seat.
<br>
<br>As he approaches her, he takes off his shirt. She can see the man\'s muscles even in the poor lighting of the plane. He stands in front of her, shirt in hand and says to her, \"I can make you feel like a woman before you die. Are you interested?\" Eagerly, she shakes her head and exclaims, \"Yes!\"
<br>
<br>The man hands her his shirt and says, \"Here, iron this.\"
<br>
<br>**************************************************
<br>A blond guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting.
<br>
<br>\"What\'s up?\" he says.
<br>\"I\'m having a heart attack,\" cries the woman.
<br>
<br>He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he\'s dialing, his 4-year-old son comes up and says, \"Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted\'s hiding in your closet and he\'s got no clothes on!\" The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door. Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the closet floor.
<br>
<br>\"You rotten bastard, \"says the husband, \"my wife\'s having a heart attack and you\'re running around naked scaring the kids!\"

[Rock]

A girl invites her boyfriend to dinner and promises of a wild night. Now the guy is really excited and its his first experience so he goes to a pharmacy and buys a pack of condoms. Seeing the shyness in the guy's attitude the pharmacist helps out the guy. He spends the good part of one hour explaining the guy everything he needs to know. That night he goes to the girls place. As they sit down for dinner he offers to say grace. He bows his head and keeps silent. 10 minutes pass.......20 mins.....Ultimately the girl raises her head and says that she didnt know that he was so religious to which he replies " I didn't know your dad was a pharmacist."

[Kishore Kadiyala]

Doctor Bob had slept with one of his patients and had felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming.



But every once in a while he'd hear that soothing voice within himself trying to reassure him: "Bob, don't worry about it. You aren't the first doctor to sleep with one of his patients... and you won't be the last. And you're single. Let it go..."



But invariably another voice would bring him back to reality: "Bob, you're a veterinarian..."

[rock_26iin]

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.



After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.



The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. if I start to get nervous, I take a sip."



So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.



Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door:



1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.

2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.

3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.

4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.

6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J. C.

7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.

8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.

9. When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey,don't say he was stoned off his ass.

10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."

11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me"

12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry,"

13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yeah God.

14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a Peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's!

[rock_26iin]

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.



After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.



The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. if I start to get nervous, I take a sip."



So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.



Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door:



1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.

2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.

3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.

4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.

6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J. C.

7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.

8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.

9. When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey,don't say he was stoned off his ass.

10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."

11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me"

12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry,"

13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yeah God.

14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a Peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's!

[CtrlAltDel]

During a routine checkup, a doctor told his patient that

masturbating before sex often helped men last longer during

the act. The man decided, "What the hell, I'll try it."



He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it.

He couldn't do it in his office. He thought about the

restroom, but that was too open.



Finally, he realized his solution. On his way home, he

pulled his car over on the side of the highway. He got out

and crawled underneath as if he was examining the car.

Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants and started

to masturbate.



He closed his eyes and thought of his lover. As he grew

closer to orgasm, he felt a quick tug at the bottom of his

pants. Not wanting to lose his mental fantasy or the orgasm,

he kept his eyes shut and replied, "What?"



He heard, "This is the police. What's going on down there?"



The man replied, "I'm checking out the rear axle, it's busted."



Then came the reply, "Well, you might as well check your

brakes too while you're down there because your car rolled

down the hill 5 minutes ago."

[Fiddler]

THE YEAR'S BEST ACTUAL HEADLINES!







  1. CRACK FOUND ON GOVERNOR'S DAUGHTER

  2. SOMETHING WENT WRONG IN JET CRASH, EXPERT SAYS

  3. POLICE BEGIN CAMPAIGN TO RUN DOWN JAYWALKERS

  4. IRAQI HEAD SEEKS ARMS

  5. IS THERE A RING OF DEBRIS AROUND URANUS

  6. PROSTITUTES APPEAL TO POPE

  7. PANDA MATING FAILS; VETERINARIAN TAKES OVER

  8. TEACHER STRIKES IDLE KIDS

  9. MINERS REFUSE TO WORK AFTER DEATH

10. JUVENILE COURT TO TRY SHOOTING DEFENDANT

11. WAR DIMS HOPE FOR PEACE

12. IF STRIKE ISN'T SETTLED QUICKLY IT MAY LAST AWHILE

13. COLD WAVE LINKED TO TEMPERATURES

14. COUPLE SLAIN; POLICE SUSPECT HOMICIDE

15. RED TAPE HOLDS UP NEW BRIDGES

16. TYPHOON RIPS THROUGH CEMETERY; HUNDREDS DEAD

17. MAN STRUCK BY LIGHTNING FACES BATTERY CHARGE

18. NEW STUDY OF OBESITY LOOKS FOR LARGER TEST GROUP

19. ASTRONAUT TAKES BLAME FOR GAS IN SPACECRAFT

20. KIDS MAKE NUTRITIOUS SNACKS

21. CHEF THROWS HIS HEART INTO HELPING FEED NEEDY

22. LOCAL HIGH SCHOOL DROPOUTS CUT IN HALF

23. HOSPITALS ARE SUED BY 7 FOOT DOCTORS

[Habitual Insomniac :)]

SUPERNATURAL...







There was this case in the hospital's Intensive care ward where patients always died in the same bed and on Sunday morning at 11a.m., regardless of their medical condition. This puzzled the doctors and some even thought that it had something to do with the supernatural. No one could solve the mystery as to why the deaths took place at 11 AM. So a World-wide expert team was constituted and they decided to go down to the ward to investigate the cause of the incidents.







So on the next Sunday morning few minutes before 11 a.m., all doctors and nurses nervously waited outside the ward to see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about. Some were holding wooden crosses, prayer books and other holy objects to ward off evil........ Just when the clock struck 11...















































































and then..























































































































Santa Singh, the part-time Sunday sweeper, entered the ward and unplugged the life support system & plugged in the



Vacuum cleaner.

[dream_catcher]

Once a bear was chasing a rabbit.A genie appears n tells both of them 2 quit fighting n the genie would grant them 3 wishes.They both agree.



Its the bear's chance.The first wish is "I want all other bears in this forest to be females." The genie is very happy and grants the bears wish.



Its the rabbits chance.It wish is"I want a helmet"



The bear 2nd wish is"I want all other bears in this country 2 be females".

The genie is very impressed.



The rabbit says "I want a motorbike".



The bears last wish"I want all other females in this world 2 be females."

The genie is very happy 4 him.



The rabbit starts his bike,wears the helmet,puts the bike in gear n

makes his last wish " I want this bear to be a homosexual" n rides away

[rock_26iin]

A man walks into a bar and says "all lawyers are _". Another man stands up and ays, " i take offence to that." The first guy asks " why? Are you a lawyer?" to which the other guy replies "No, I'm an _



-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------



OK this actually happened in a court. A man was charged for burglary the defence counsel said:



"This man is not responsible for the crime but it was his hand that went in through the window and picked up trifling items therefore the man is to be set free."



The judge replied, " well using your logic the man's hand is place under arrest for two years, the person attached to it may stay with or without it as he pleases."



The accused then removed his artificial limb, placed it on the table and walked out the court!!!!!!!!!!



-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------



Q:How many lawyers does it take to plaster a wall?

A:Depends on how hard you throw them



Q:How many lawyers does it take to cover a roof?

A:Depends on how thin you slice them



-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------



How many lawyers does it take to change a lightbulb?



“Such number as may be deemed necessary to perform the stated task in a timely and efficient manner within the strictures of the following agreement: Whereas the party of the first part, also known as "The Lawyer," and the party of the second part, also known as "The Light Bulb," do hereby and forthwith agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part (Light Bulb) shall be removed from the current position as a result of failure to perform previously agreed upon duties, i.e., the lighting, elucidation, and otherwise illumination of the area ranging from the front (north) door, through the entry way, terminating at an area just inside the primary living area, demarcated by the beginning of the carpet, any spill-over illumination being at the option of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and not required by the aforementioned agreement between the parties. The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not be limited to, the following steps:



The party of the first part (Lawyer) shall, with or without elevation at his option, by means of a chair, step stool, ladder or any other means of elevation, grasp the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and rotate the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a counter-clockwise direction, said direction being non-negotiable. Said grasping and rotation of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) shall be undertaken by the party of the first part (Lawyer) with every possible caution by the party of the first part (Lawyer) to maintain the structural integrity of the party of the second part (Light Bulb), notwithstanding the aforementioned failure of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) to perform the aforementioned customary and agreed upon duties. The foregoing notwithstanding, however, both parties stipulate that structural failure of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) may be incidental to the aforementioned failure to perform and in such case the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall be held blameless for such structural failure insofar as this agreement is concerned so long as the non-negotiable directional codicil (counter-clockwise) is observed by the party of the first part (Lawyer) throughout.



Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part (Light Bulb) becomes separated from the party of the third part ("Receptacle"), the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of disposing of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a manner consistent with all applicable state, local and federal statutes.



Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of beginning installation of the party of the fourth part ("New Light Bulb"). This installation shall occur in a manner consistent with the reverse of the procedures described in step one of this self-same document, being careful to note that the rotation should occur in a clockwise direction, said direction also being non-negotiable.



NOTE: The above described steps may be performed, at the option of the party of the first part (Lawyer), by said party of the first part (Lawyer), by his heirs and assigns, or by any and all persons authorized by him to do so, the objective being to produce a level of illumination in the immediate vicinity of the aforementioned front (north) door consistent with maximization of ingress and revenue for the party of the fifth part.”



-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[CtrlAltDel]

GOLF LESSONS! (long but great!)



Wife: "George, it's about time that you learned to play golf. That's the game where you chase a ball all over the countryside when you are too old to chase women."



So, George went to see Jones and asked him if he could teach him how to play golf. Here George tells us what he learned about golf.....



Jones said, you've got balls, haven't you? I said, yes but sometimes on a cold morning they're kinda hard to find.



Bring them to the clubhouse tomorrow, he said, and we'll tee off.



What's tee off? I asked.



He said it's a golf term and we have to tee off in front of the clubhouse.



Not for me, I said, you can tee off there if you like but I'll tee off behind the barn somewhere.



No, no, he said, a tee is a little thing about the size of your little finger.



Yeah, I've got one of those, I said.



Well, he said, you stick it in the ground and put your balls on top of it.



I asked, how do play golf sitting down? I always thought you stood up and walked around.



You do, said Jones; you are standing when your ball is on the tee.



Well folks, I thought that was stretching a little thing too far, and I said so.



He said, you got a bag, haven't you?



Of course, I said.



Jones said, your balls are in it, aren't they?



Of course, I said.



Well, can't you open your bag and take one out?



I said, I suppose I could, but damned if I was going to.



He asked if I didn't have a zipper on the bag but I told him no, I am the old fashioned type.



Then he asks me if I know how to hold my club. Well, after 50 years, I should have some sort of idea, and I told him so.



He said take your club in both hands - Folks, I knew right then he didn't know what he was talking about.



Then he said, you swing it over your shoulders. I said, that's not me, that's my brother you're talking about.



He asked me how do you hold your club?



I said, in two fingers.



He said, that wasn't right and got behind me, put both arms around me and told me to bend over and he would show me how.



He couldn't catch me there, because I didn't put in three years in the Navy for nothing.



He said, you hit the ball with your club and it will soar and soar.



I said, I could well imagine.



Then he said, when you are on the green -



What's a green? I asked.



That's where the hole is, he said.



Sure. You're not color blind? I asked.



No, he said, then you take your putter.



What's a putter? I asked.



That's the smallest club made, he said.



That's what I've got - a putter, I said.



With it, he said, you put your ball in the hole.



I corrected, you mean the putter.



He said, the hole isn't big enough for the ball and the putter.



Well, I've seen holes big enough for a horse and wagon.



Then he said, after you make the first hole, you go on to the next seventeen.



He wasn't talking to me. After two holes I'm shot to hell.



You mean, he said, you can't make eighteen holes in one day?



Hell no, I make one hole in eighteen days, besides how do I know I'm in the 18th hole?



He said, the flag will go up.



That would be just my luck.



Happy golfing!



======

[Mona Lisa Smiles]

Professor at IIM was explaining marketing concepts:



You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say, "I am very rich. Marry me!" That's Direct Marketing.



You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous girl. One of your friends goes up to her and pointing at you says, "He's Very rich. Marry him." That's Advertising.



You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and get her telephone number. The next day you call and say "Hi, I'm very rich. Marry me." That's Telemarketing.



You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. You get up and straighten your tie; you walk up to her and pour her a drink. You open the door for her, pick up her bag after she drops it, offer her a ride, and then say, "By the way, I'm very rich. Will you marry me?" That's Public Relations.



You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. She walks up to you and says, "You are very rich." That's Brand Recognition.



You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say, "I'm rich. Marry me" She gives you a nice hard slap on your face. That's Customer Feedback!



You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say, "I am very rich. Marry me!" And she introduces you to her husband. That's Demand and supply gap.



You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and before you say, "I am very rich. Marry me!" she turns her face towards you ------------ she is your wife! That's competition eating into your market share.

[rock_26iin]

> > Classic Definitions & Cool Meanings:

> >

> > 1. Cigarette : A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one

> > end & a

> > fool at the other.

> >

> > 2. Love affairs : Something like cricket where one-day

> > internationals are

> > more popular than a five day test.

> >

> > 3. Marriage : It's an agreement in which a man loses his bachelor

> > degree

> > and a woman gains her master

> >

> > 4. Divorce : Future tense of marriage

> >

> > 5. Lecture : An art of transferring information from the notes of

> > the

> > lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through "the

> > minds

> > of either".

> >

> > 6. Conference : The confusion of one man multiplied by the number

> > present.

> >

> > 7. Compromise : The art of dividing a cake in such a way that

> > everybody

> > believes he got the biggest piece.

> >

> > 8. Tears : The hydraulic force by which masculine will-power is

> > defeated

> > by feminine water-power ..

> >

> > 9. Dictionary : A place where divorce comes before marriage.

> >

> > 10. Conference Room : A place where everybody talks, nobody

> > listens &

> > everybody disagrees later on.

> >

> > 11. Ecstasy : A feeling when you feel you are going to feel a

> > feeling you

> > have never felt before.

> >

> > 12. Classic : A book which people praise, but do not read.

> >

> > 13. Smile : A curve that can set a lot of things straight.

> >

> > 14. Office : A place where you can relax after your strenuous home

> > life.

> >

> > 15. Yawn : The only time some married men ever get to open their

> > mouth.

> >

> > 16. Etc. : A sign to make others believe that you know more than

> > you

> > actually do.

> >

> > 17. Committee: Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit

> > to

> > decide that nothing can be done together.

> >

> > 18. Experience : The name men give to their mistakes.

> >

> > 19. Atom Bomb: An invention to end all inventions.

> >

> > 20. Philosopher : A fool who torments himself during life, to be

> > spoken of

> > when dead.

> >

> > 21. Diplomat : A person who tells you to go to hell in such a way

> > that you

> > actually look forward to the trip.

> >

> > 22. Opportunist : A person who starts taking bath if he

> > accidentally falls

> > into a river.

> >

> > 23. Optimist : A person who while falling from Eiffel Tower says

> > in midway

> > "See I am not injured yet."

> >

> > 24. Pessimist :- A person who says that O is the last letter in

> > ZERO,

> > Instead of the first letter in word OPPORTUNITY.

> >

> > 25. Miser : A person who lives poor so that he can die rich.

> >

> > 26. Father : A banker provided by nature.

> >

> > 27. Criminal : A guy no different from the rest... except that he

> > got

> > caught.

> >

> > 28. Boss : Someone who is early when you are late and late when

> > you are

> > early.

> >

> > 29. Politician : One who shakes your hand before elections and

> > your

> > Confidence after.

> >

> > 30. Doctor : A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you

> > with his

> > bills.

> >

> > 31. Computer Engineer : One who gets paid for reading such

> > mails......

[rock_26iin]

A man met a beautiful girl and she agreed to spend the night with him for $500. So, they spent the night together. In the morning, before he left, he told the girl that he did not have any cash with him, but that he would have his secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling the payment "Rent for Apartment."

On the way to the office, he regretted what he had done, realizing that the whole event was not worth the price. So, he sent a check for $250 and enclosed a note:



"Dear Madam: Enclosed you will find a check in the amount of $250 for rent of your apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon because when I rented the apartment, I was under the impression that:

1. It had never been occupied;

2. There was plenty of heat;

3. It was small enough to make me cozy and at home.

Last night, however, I found out that it had been previously occupied, that there wasn't any heat, and that it was entirely too large."

Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately sent back the following reply:

"Dear Sir: First of all, I cannot understand how you expect such a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely. As for the heat, there is plenty of it if you know how to turn it on. Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size, but if you don't have enough furniture to fill it, please don't blame the landlord.



-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------



Dump your girlfriend, Go for a cup of coffee instead.....



A cup of Coffee never talks back at you

A cup of Coffee looks good even in the mornings

You'll never fall asleep after having a cup of coffee

Warming a cup of Coffee takes less efforts

Warming cup of Coffee is also much less cheaper

A cup of Coffee is out of your system by next morning

You can take even a black coffee to meet your parents

You can make a cup of Coffee as sweet as you want



Coffee tastes good even when it is absolutely cold

Coffee strains are easier to remove

Coffee is invariably ready in fifteen minutes or less

Coffee does not mind being grounded any time

You can easily reject a horrible cup of coffee



Coffee does not occupy half of your bed

Police does not question you for loitering with Coffee

You can easily order fresh Coffee

Your cup of Coffee does not get jealous of another cup

No matter how much your IQ, you can always get coffee

If you put chocolate in Coffee, it does not put on weight

All can love coffee at the same time

Coffee shall not take you to courts

[rock_26iin]

SEX LIFE OF AN ELECTRON



One night when his charge was at full capacity, Micro Farad decided to get a cute little coil to discharge him. He picked up Millie Amp and took her for a ride on his megacycle. They rode across the wheat stone

bridge, around the sine wave, and into the magnetic field next to the flowing current.



Micro Farad, attracted by Millie's characteristic curve, soon had her field fully excited. He laid her on the ground potential, raised her frequency, lowered her resistance, and pulled out his high voltage probe. He inserted it in parallel and began to short circuit her shunt.Fully excited, Millie cried out, "ohm, ohm,give me mho". With his tube at maximum output and her

coil vibrating from the current flow, her shunt soon reached maximum heat. The excessive current had shorted her shunt, and Micro's capacity was rapidly discharged, and every electron was drained off. They fluxed all night, tried various connections and hookings until his bar magnet had lost all of its strength, and he could no longer generate enough voltage to sustain his collapsing field. With his battery fully discharged, Micro was unable to excite his tickler, so they ended up reversing polarity and blowing each other's fuses.

[Kenny]

A young camel was bored one day and started asking his mother questions.

"Why do we have large three toed feet?"

"So we don't sink while walking in the soft sands of the desert," his mother replied.

"Why do we have long eyelashes?" was the next question.

"To stop the sand of the desert storms getting in our eyes," was the exasperated reply.

"Why do we have a large hump on our back?"

"So we can cross the many miles of desert without needing water," his mother snapped.

"So what the _ are we doing in the zoo?"