Comedy Club

[mrk]

Hi guys, please put some comic events, natural or artificial. Let us enjoy comedy! All of you can participate. Just put on some jokes/comic scenes which you like. They may be from films or your own. I want to have fun, and like others to get fun through this. I think all of you will accept my message. Thanking you! Please join your hands for this comedy club.

[HALLim]

ok! there is this artist who paints nudes... and every day a nude model comes to his home and he paints her..
<br>one day the artist just is bored with his work and asks the model to join him for tea.. they talk about this and that.. the artist is hovering around the window and immediately says.. \'take off ur clothes quick\'
<br>\'why\'
<br>\'my wife is coming\'

[Learner]

Thank You - It is great, a smile for a change.

[b.]

a guy walks into a video shop and asks the sales clerk,
<br>\'just how long is the never ending story\'

[BeerYanni]

here goes,
<br><br># Height of Irritation:
<br>A one handed guy hanging from a cliff, and his armpits itching...

[SaltedFriedMirch]

Height of Sound: 2 skeletons making pyaar on a tin rooftop

[mrk]

In Comedy Club I firstly again invite all of you. I am watching a programme in Gemini TV which is a fun-filled program. It comes on every Monday at 9.00pm. The program is Yendani Yedava Chepa Kadha (in Telugu). In that program one Raja and the Fisherman discuss about the latest Telugu flop films. The program is funny to watch, and I hope you all will enjoy that fun. After watching that program tell me whether it\'s fun-filled or not, in our Comedy Club. Bye!

[HALLim]

Bear on a Rampage<br><br>
Two campers were hiking in the forest when all of a sudden a bear jumps out of a bush and starts chasing them.<br><br> Both campers start running for their lives, when one of them stops and starts to put on his running shoes.<br><br>
His partner says, "What are you doing? You can't outrun a bear!"<br><br>His friend replies, "I don't have to outrun the bear, I only have to outrun you!"!!

[Learner]

Yo Mama's So Fat... Scale<br><br>
Yo mama's so fat, when she stepped on the scale it said, “One at a time, please.”

[funny Guy]

Hi Mrk ,,,
<br>Height of Ignorance:
<br><br>A preganant lady applying iodex to her stomach.

[mrk]

I am enjoying the fun in our comedy club. I hope all the others who are watching this comedy club also enjoying a lot. This comedy clubs life is in your hands how long you\'ll post the comedies in our comedy club till then it will be highlighting. All the best to the comedy lovers.

[b.]

you may be right...
<br>
<br>that is my guess too..

[HALLim]

US FOREIGN POLICY - EVEN A CHILD CAN UNDERSTAND IT!
<br>

<br>
Q: Daddy, why did we have to attack Iraq?
<br>

<br>
A: Because they had weapons of mass destruction honey.
<br>

<br>
Q: But the inspectors didn\'t find any weapons of mass destruction.
<br>

<br>
A: That\'s because the Iraqis were hiding them.
<br>

<br>
Q: And that\'s why we invaded Iraq?
<br>

<br>
A: Yep. Invasions always work better than inspections.
<br>

<br>
Q: But after we invaded them, we STILL didn\'t find any weapons of mass
<br>
destruction, did we?
<br>

<br>
A: That\'s because the weapons are so well hidden. Don\'t worry, we\'ll
<br>
find something, probably right before the 2004 election.
<br>

<br>
Q: Why did Iraq want all those weapons of mass destruction?
<br>

<br>
A: To use them in a war, silly.
<br>

<br>
Q: I\'m confused. If they had all those weapons that they planned to use
<br>
in a war, then why didn\'t they use any of those weapons when we went to
<br>
war with them?
<br>

<br>
A: Well, obviously they didn\'t want anyone to know they had those
<br>
weapons, so they chose to die by the thousands rather than defend
<br>
themselves.
<br>

<br>
Q: That doesn\'t make sense Daddy. Why would they choose to die if they
<br>
had all those big weapons to fight us back with?
<br>

<br>
A: It\'s a different culture. It\'s not supposed to make sense.
<br>

<br>
Q: I don\'t know about you, but I don\'t think they had any of those
<br>
weapons our government said they did.
<br>

<br>
A: Well, you know, it doesn\'t matter whether or not they had those
<br>
weapons. We had another good reason to invade them anyway.
<br>

<br>
Q: And what was that?
<br>

<br>
A: Even if Iraq didn\'t have weapons of mass destruction, Saddam Hussein
<br>
was a cruel dictator, which is another good reason to invade another
<br>
country.
<br>

<br>
Q: Why? What does a cruel dictator do that makes it OK to invade his
<br>
country?
<br>

<br>
A: Well, for one thing, he tortured his own people.
<br>

<br>
Q: Kind of like what they do in China?
<br>

<br>
A: Don\'t go comparing China to Iraq. China is a good economic
<br>
competitor, where millions of people work for slave wages in sweatshops
<br>
to make U.S. corporations richer.
<br>

<br>
Q: So if a country lets its people be exploited for American corporate
<br>
gain, it\'s a good country, even if that country tortures people?
<br>

<br>
A: Right.
<br>

<br>
Q: Why were people in Iraq being tortured?
<br>

<br>
A: For political crimes, mostly, like criticizing the government.
<br>
People who criticized the government in Iraq were sent to prison and
<br>
tortured.
<br>

<br>
Q: Isn\'t that exactly what happens in China?
<br>

<br>
A: I told you, China is different.
<br>

<br>
Q: What\'s the difference between China and Iraq?
<br>

<br>
A: Well, for one thing, Iraq was ruled by the Ba\'ath party, while China
<br>
is Communist.
<br>

<br>
Q: Didn\'t you once tell me Communists were bad?
<br>

<br>
A: No, just Cuban Communists are bad.
<br>

<br>
Q: How are the Cuban Communists bad?
<br>

<br>
A: Well, for one thing, people who criticize the government in Cuba are
<br>
sent to prison and tortured.
<br>

<br>
Q: Like in Iraq?
<br>

<br>
A: Exactly.
<br>

<br>
Q: And like in China, too?
<br>

<br>
A: I told you, China\'s a good economic competitor. Cuba, on the other
<br>
hand, is not.
<br>

<br>
Q: How come Cuba isn\'t a good economic competitor?
<br>

<br>
A: Well, you see, back in the early 1960s, our government passed some
<br>
laws that made it illegal for Americans to trade or do any business with
<br>
Cuba until they stopped being communists and started being capitalists
<br>
like us.
<br>

<br>
Q: But if we got rid of those laws, opened up trade with Cuba, and
<br>
started doing business with them, wouldn\'t that help the Cubans become
<br>
capitalists?
<br>

<br>
A: Don\'t be a smart-ass.
<br>

<br>
Q: I didn\'t think I was being one.
<br>

<br>
A: Well, anyway, they also don\'t have freedom of religion in Cuba.
<br>

<br>
Q: Kind of like China and the Falun Gong movement?
<br>

<br>
A: I told you, stop saying bad things about China. Anyway, Saddam
<br>
Hussein came to power through a military coup, so he\'s not really a
<br>
legitimate leader anyway.
<br>

<br>
Q: What\'s a military coup?
<br>

<br>
A: That\'s when a military general takes over the government of a
<br>
country by force, instead of holding free elections like we do in the
<br>
United States.
<br>

<br>
Q: Didn\'t the ruler of Pakistan come to power by a military coup?
<br>

<br>
A: You mean General Pervez Musharraf? Uh, yeah, he did, but Pakistan is
<br>
our friend.
<br>

<br>
Q: Why is Pakistan our friend if their leader is illegitimate?
<br>

<br>
A: I never said Pervez Musharraf was illegitimate.
<br>

<br>
Q: Didn\'t you just say a military general who comes to power by
<br>
forcibly overthrowing the legitimate government of a nation is an
<br>
illegitimate leader?
<br>

<br>
A: Only Saddam Hussein. Pervez Musharraf is our friend, because he
<br>
helped us invade Afghanistan.
<br>

<br>
Q: Why did we invade Afghanistan?
<br>

<br>
A: Because of what they did to us on September 11th.
<br>

<br>
Q: What did Afghanistan do to us on September 11th?
<br>

<br>
A: Well, on September 11th, nineteen men, fifteen of them Saudi
<br>
Arabians, hijacked four airplanes and flew three of them into buildings,
<br>
killing over 3,000 Americans.
<br>

<br>
Q: So how did Afghanistan figure into all that?
<br>

<br>
A: Afghanistan was where those bad men trained, under the oppressive
<br>
rule of the Taliban.
<br>

<br>
Q: Aren\'t the Taliban those bad radical Islamics who chopped off
<br>
people\'s heads and hands?
<br>

<br>
A: Yes, that\'s exactly who they were. Not only did they chop off
<br>
people\'s heads and hands, but they oppressed women, too.
<br>

<br>
Q: Didn\'t the Bush administration give the Taliban 43 million dollars
<br>
back in May of 2001?
<br>

<br>
A: Yes, but that money was a reward because they did such a good job
<br>
fighting drugs.
<br>

<br>
Q: Fighting drugs?
<br>

<br>
A: Yes, the Taliban were very helpful in stopping people from growing
<br>
opium poppies.
<br>

<br>
Q: How did they do such a good job?
<br>

<br>
A: Simple. If people were caught growing opium poppies, the Taliban
<br>
would have their hands and heads cut off.
<br>

<br>
Q: So, when the Taliban cut off people\'s heads and hands for growing
<br>
flowers, that was OK, but not if they cut people\'s heads and hands off
<br>
for other reasons?
<br>

<br>
A: Yes. It\'s OK with us if radical Islamic fundamentalists cut off
<br>
people\'s hands for growing flowers, but it\'s cruel if they cut off
<br>
people\'s hands for stealing bread.
<br>

<br>
Q: Don\'t they also cut off people\'s hands and heads in Saudi Arabia?
<br>

<br>
A: That\'s different. Afghanistan was ruled by a tyrannical patriarchy
<br>
that oppressed women and forced them to wear burqas whenever they were
<br>
in public, with death by stoning as the penalty for women who did not
<br>
comply.
<br>

<br>
Q: Don\'t Saudi women have to wear burqas in public, too?
<br>

<br>
A: No, Saudi women merely wear a traditional Islamic body covering.
<br>

<br>
Q: What\'s the difference?
<br>

<br>
A: The traditional Islamic covering worn by Saudi women is a modest yet
<br>
fashionable garment that covers all of a woman\'s body except for her
<br>
eyes and fingers. The burqa, on the other hand, is an evil tool of
<br>
patriarchal oppression that covers all of a woman\'s body except for her
<br>
eyes and fingers.
<br>

<br>
Q: It sounds like the same thing with a different name.
<br>

<br>
A: Now, don\'t go comparing Afghanistan and Saudi Arabia. The Saudis are
<br>
our friends.
<br>

<br>
Q: But I thought you said 15 of the 19 hijackers on September 11th were
<br>
from Saudi Arabia.
<br>
A: Yes, but they trained in Afghanistan.
<br>

<br>
Q: Who trained them?
<br>

<br>
A: A very bad man named Osama bin Laden.
<br>

<br>
Q: Was he from Afghanistan?
<br>

<br>
A: Uh, no, he was from Saudi Arabia too. But he was a bad man, a very
<br>
bad man.
<br>

<br>
Q: I seem to recall he was our friend once.
<br>

<br>
A: Only when we helped him and the mujahadeen repel the Soviet invasion
<br>
of Afghanistan back in the 1980s.
<br>

<br>
Q: Who are the Soviets? Was that the Evil Communist Empire Ronald
<br>
Reagan talked about?
<br>

<br>
A: There are no more Soviets. The Soviet Union broke up in 1990 or
<br>
thereabouts, and now they have elections and capitalism like us. We call
<br>
them Russians now.
<br>

<br>
Q: So the Soviets ? I mean, the Russians ? are now our friends?
<br>

<br>
A: Well, not really. You see, they were our friends for many years
<br>
after they stopped being Soviets, but then they decided not to support
<br>
our invasion of Iraq, so we\'re mad at them now. We\'re also mad at the
<br>
French and the Germans because they didn\'t help us invade Iraq either.
<br>

<br>
Q: So the French and Germans are evil, too?
<br>

<br>
A: Not exactly evil, but just bad enough that we had to rename French
<br>
fries and French toast to Freedom Fries and Freedom Toast.
<br>

<br>
Q: Do we always rename foods whenever another country doesn\'t do what
<br>
we want them to do?
<br>

<br>
A: No, we just do that to our friends. Our enemies, we invade.
<br>

<br>
Q: But wasn\'t Iraq one of our friends back in the 1980s?
<br>

<br>
A: Well, yeah. For a while.
<br>

<br>
Q: Was Saddam Hussein ruler of Iraq back then?
<br>

<br>
A: Yes, but at the time he was fighting against Iran, which made him
<br>
our friend, temporarily.
<br>

<br>
Q: Why did that make him our friend?
<br>

<br>
A: Because at that time, Iran was our enemy.
<br>

<br>
Q: Isn\'t that when he gassed the Kurds?
<br>

<br>
A: Yeah, but since he was fighting against Iran at the time, we looked
<br>
the other way, to show him we were his friend.
<br>

<br>
Q: So anyone who fights against one of our enemies automatically
<br>
becomes our friend?
<br>

<br>
A: Most of the time, yes.
<br>

<br>
Q: And anyone who fights against one of our friends is automatically an
<br>
enemy?
<br>

<br>
A: Sometimes that\'s true, too. However, if American corporations can
<br>
profit by selling weapons to both sides at the same time, all the
<br>
better.
<br>

<br>
Q: Why?
<br>

<br>
A: Because war is good for the economy, which means war is good for
<br>
America. Also, since God is on America\'s side, anyone who opposes war is
<br>
a godless un-American Communist. Do you understand now why we attacked
<br>
Iraq?
<br>

<br>
Q: I think so. We attacked them because God wanted us to, right?
<br>

<br>
A: Yes.
<br>

<br>
Q: But how did we know God wanted us to attack Iraq?
<br>

<br>
A: Well, you see, God personally speaks to George W. Bush and tells him
<br>
what to do.
<br>

<br>
Q: So basically, what you\'re saying is that we attacked Iraq because
<br>
George W. Bush hears voices in his head?
<br>

<br>
A. Yes! You finally understand how the world works. Now close your
<br>
eyes, make yourself comfortable, and go to sleep. Good night.
<br>

<br>

<br>

<br>

[b.]

yeh zara lamba hogaya yaar..
<br>
<br>people running to get on the just started moving train on the platform. one guy held out his hand to pull a guy, \'maan you just made it\' the other guy goes, \'shit the one I came to see off is still standing there\'....

[Learner]

Another good one. Thanks

[BeerYanni]

<br> As a Bachelor
<br> ____________________________________
<br>
<br> takdir hai, magar kismat nahi khulti,
<br> tajmahal banana chahata hoon
<br> lekin mumtaz nahi milti
<br>
<br>
<br>
<br>
<br> As a Lover
<br> __________________________________
<br>
<br> takdir hai, magar kismat nahi khulti,
<br> tajmahal banana chahata hoon,
<br> mumtaz mil gayi hai magar
<br> woh shaadi nahi karti
<br>
<br>
<br>
<br>
<br> As a married one
<br> ____________________________________
<br>
<br> takdir hai, magar kismat nahi khulti,
<br> tajmahal banana chahata hoon
<br> lekin mumtaz nahi marti!
<br>
<br>
<br>

[HALLim]

hey guys try to get this one!
<br>
<br>Dear Dr Ruth,
<br>
<br>
<br> I\'m writing to tell you my problem, It seems I have been married to a sex maniac for the past 22 years. He makes love to me
<br>regardless of what I am doing; Ironing, Washing dishes, Sweeping, even doing E-Mail on AOL, etc. I would like to know if there is
<br>anything that ucnn hlp m wth nd f unothel gothsl ehj fpslth fjsl;s;;oO .lp sld mpskdli dlks; a;ld ;;\' cinsely ous mdyl isnt\';dk
<br>
<br>cheers

[mrk]

At one spot three women gathered and were discussing about sex. One woman says hey do you know my husband is a chess player he has a strong mind the other says hey my husband is football player he has a strong thy\'s,last women says my husband is a sex player he has a strong rod.
<br>

[mrk]

Adding to the above in another group discussion of women one
<br>woman says hey at what time your husband returns to your home.
<br>Another women responses he will to return to home at night 10.P.M and uses ten shots. next women says my husband comes in night at 11.00 P.M and uses 11 shots. The last but not least says my husband returns home at Zero hour and he uses null shots.

[Learner]

Got it - even while typing - Thanks again

[BeerYanni]

Pleassssseeeee do not talk against George Bush or his policies....you should not talk bad abt a mentally handicapped person.....btw the reason i am asking u not to talk bad is actually different...if George Bush comes across this posting he might just consider us to another group of terrorist.....that half-ass-brained joker might declare a WAR against..the terrorist hiding in fullhyd.com
<br>
<br>
<br>

[b.]

I am not sure if people are familiar with Dr. Ruth here.
<br>
<br>she is an authority on sex and frequently called/invited on a number of talk shows on TV and media in the US.

[b.]

Sonia Gandhi on her morning walk
<br>
<br>noticed new born puppies on the side of street, she asks her body guards \'ask them if they are congressi of BJP\' pups say we are congressi.
<br>after few days she passes the same way, she again asks the aides \'ask them if they are congressi or BJP\' this time the pups go \'we are BJP\'
<br>Sonia gets upset how come, just few days before they were saying congressi. the pups say \'madam! magar ab hamari aankhen khul chuki hain.!!!
<br>

[mrk]

Mohanbabu Slaps sakshishivanands mother. The cause was that her sister was not acting well in the film which has been produced by mohanbabu. Inspite of slaping her sister he slapped her mother and sakshishivanand states that mohanbabu made a murder attempt on her mother. Hope you\'ll Enjoy the cine comedy.

[junk]

Once there was a competition held that one who can stay in a room with a pig for 20 days will be awarded Rs 15 lakhs. So 1st the pilot went to stay with him but after 2 days he came out saying I can\'t stay there.
<br>Then an astrologer went he stayed there for 5 days and then came out saying I cant stay there.
<br>Now Santa went in there and stayed there for 5, 6, 7, 8,9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14 days.On the 15th day when the people out of the room were very excited to meet santa, the pig came out saying I cant stay there.
<br>