Can any one help me??

[Vineet1234]

I am in deep trouble. I had an affair before my marriage but we were never sure that we were in for marriage. It just happened that the girl got so much attached to me that she started thinking in terms of marriage but never told me. And here I was looking for marriage prospects and it suddenly got fixed. Things happend much fast than I expected and I was not able to tell the girl that I am getting married.. and when I finally told her it was too late and I was shocked to see how much in pain she was... I somehow managed to talk to her parents about it and explained them everything..but the girl never let me go... she kept calling me and talking to me crying over the phone.. I had to assure her that things would be the same even after my marriage...I would be with her... she seemed to like it...and I always felt that it's known to her parents and they would certainly help her come out of it.. but that was never to be..her parents never seem to have an idea that she is still in touch with me and it is now 6 months to my marriage and some how I am trying to work around..calling her and sometimes meeting her... Nothing has changed I am under this constant pressure since my marriage.. I expected her parents to intervene and atleast be with her to tell her what is right and what is wrong...but they always seem to be unaware of what their daughter is upto... 6 months is a long time and I have been through hell all these days.. I even tried to convey it to their parents 2 days back that the girl is still having suicidal thoughts.. and I expected them to call and talk to me at length..but it never happens..they are just not reacting to anything and the girl is still as free as a bird calling me or insisting on meeting me at her own will... what should I do to make her realise the reality...

[Brigitta]

You have to make a decision of which woman you want to spend the rest of your life with. Every time you agree to meet this girl it will hurt her more in the future because it will be impossible for her to recover from this while you are still in her life.



If you don't intend to marry her you must set her free to marry another. She cannot get on with her life while she still thinks she has a future with you and by continuing to meet with her you are just causing her more pain.



If you don't love her then set her free or it will cause more pain in the future for her to be in love with someone she can never have and it will take her future happiness away from her.



Just my opinion.

[Ustaad]

I had an affair before my marriage but we were never sure that we were in for marriage. It just happened that the girl got so much attached to me that she started thinking in terms of marriage but never told me. And here I was looking for marriage prospects and it suddenly got fixed. Things happend much fast than I expected and I was not able to tell the girl that I am getting married.. and when I finally told her it was too late and I was shocked to see how much in pain she was... I somehow managed to talk to her parents about it and explained them everything..but the girl never let me go... she kept calling me and talking to me crying over the phone.. I had to assure her that things would be the same even after my marriage...

Its your mess. So you clean up. Its your "responsibility".

1.You screwed around..probably promised the girl something...



2. you did n't have the balls to face the fact

3. you are marrying another girl.

4. it doesnot do justice to the girl, you and the one you are going to marry.



The only way to get out of this :



1. Marry the girl you screwed and tell your parents what happened. Chances are your future wife will not be pissed at you and leave you after marriage.



2. Dump the girl. Move to a different place, change phone numbers and address or just confront her and admit it was a mistake and you donot have any felings for her and she needs to move on.



3. listen to your heart.



I feel sorry for you and your situation.

stuff happens when you _ around without responsibility. every action has a reaction.





good luck.

[vineet1234]

Hi.. Ustaad and Brigitta...

Thanks for your replies...

Brigitta you are right when you say that I have to take a decision...

and Ustaad u can't be more right when you put it as an act of irresponsibility...but I swear I never promised anything nor **** around as you put it...I just never expected the things to reach to such an extent..



But I thnk I was not clear from my previous post that the problem is

"I AM MARRIED". Now it is 6 months that I am married.. and I had to be in touch with her as I could not see her pain..I had informed her parents and I had expected that with time her condition would improve and we would be able to get on with life... but it never happens..my marriage seems to be in a mess..my job seems to be in mess... and this girl never seems to understand what I have been going through all these days...

and her parents seem to be ok with evrything..never react to anything.. i doubt if they even know that their daughter is under depression.. they dint even make a call to me when I informed them 3 days back that their daughter is having suicidal thoughts and please be with her.. do not leave her alone....

[Ustaad]

Hi.. Ustaad and Brigitta...
Thanks for your replies...
Brigitta you are right when you say that I have to take a decision...
and Ustaad u can't be more right when you put it as an act of irresponsibility...but I swear I never promised anything nor **** around as you put it...I just never expected the things to reach to such an extent..

But I thnk I was not clear from my previous post that the problem is
"I AM MARRIED". Now it is 6 months that I am married.. and I had to be in touch with her as I could not see her pain..I had informed her parents and I had expected that with time her condition would improve and we would be able to get on with life... but it never happens..my marriage seems to be in a mess..my job seems to be in mess... and this girl never seems to understand what I have been going through all these days...
and her parents seem to be ok with evrything..never react to anything.. i doubt if they even know that their daughter is under depression.. they dint even make a call to me when I informed them 3 days back that their daughter is having suicidal thoughts and please be with her.. do not leave her alone....

Sorry, didn't know you were married.

anyways, the girl needs to "grow up" and let you go /leave you and your wife the hell alone.



Its your job to tell her that "if she think she truly loves you and cares for your happiness, she would let you go".



Looks like she's obsessed with you. Btw, you didn't mention her age.



It takes half an hour to convince someone, if you use the "right words" .



So, be a man and talk to her in "private" and tell her she needs to let you go and you will not be happy with her AND you cannot do injustice to your wife.

No matter what , "Donot give her false hopes at this point." it'll only make things worse.



or just try and hook her up with another man.. a decent one.



she needs re-direction..from you , ofcourse.



good luck man.

[The TRUTH?]

I am in deep trouble. I had an affair before my marriage but we were never sure that we were in for marriage. It just happened that the girl got so much attached to me that she started thinking in terms of marriage but never told me. And here I was looking for marriage prospects and it suddenly got fixed. Things happend much fast than I expected and I was not able to tell the girl that I am getting married.. and when I finally told her it was too late and I was shocked to see how much in pain she was... I somehow managed to talk to her parents about it and explained them everything..but the girl never let me go... she kept calling me and talking to me crying over the phone.. I had to assure her that things would be the same even after my marriage...I would be with her... she seemed to like it...and I always felt that it's known to her parents and they would certainly help her come out of it.. but that was never to be..her parents never seem to have an idea that she is still in touch with me and it is now 6 months to my marriage and some how I am trying to work around..calling her and sometimes meeting her... Nothing has changed I am under this constant pressure since my marriage.. I expected her parents to intervene and atleast be with her to tell her what is right and what is wrong...but they always seem to be unaware of what their daughter is upto... 6 months is a long time and I have been through hell all these days.. I even tried to convey it to their parents 2 days back that the girl is still having suicidal thoughts.. and I expected them to call and talk to me at length..but it never happens..they are just not reacting to anything and the girl is still as free as a bird calling me or insisting on meeting me at her own will... what should I do to make her realise the reality...

Ajee Hazrat - doodh sara din obaltey rahe kya? Obalney ka time aya tau apne aap ko kinara kash samjha?

Ab sara responsibility beachaari Larki key sar par? This is not fair at all. We adddress your responsibility first - as a 'responsible man'? You have not been truthful to the girl and although - you enjoyed the ride till it lasted - Ab Doosri Ghori Mil Gayee Tau Tanga Badal Diye Kya?



The crux of the problem is - that you are basically a 'ggod man' and have not learnt the art of saying 'NO'? You took it for granted emotional strings would not surface? Maybe that was a part of the emotional strategy you were using with her - assuming (as we all ove to assume) that she will lose intrest eventually and you will move on.. Two human connecting and spending intimate time together is enough to place the girl in some other dimension of her fantasy world. You have obviuosly helped her very much to help paint her fantasy with you. Dont tell me you did not know - and tell her to get real please? Life is too short for all this drama. Pehley AAP and Pehley AAP. The reason I am writing to yuo is the fact that you have now been exposed in front of family and friends. The world is percieving you as unreliable, emotionally immature! Mai agar larki kee jagah peh that tau I would have called you a real SOB, defamed your name socially and made sure you never did this to any other girl!



You cannot turn the clockof time back Mian - yeh to baat to such hai. First and foremost please accept the fact tat you did lead her up the garden path. You had a convenient outlet - you had fun and now you are smelling the burnt toast? For a girl - her vanity adorns her reflection in the mirror - more than the jewellery she wears and guess what - you took advantage of that fact? You are some man! I would never let you get close to my daughter for one?



Secondly - Please do not put her parents into this. Paith ka dard aap ko hai na - parents ko, dard kee dawa kyon pila rahe ho? Be truthful in your intention. Her parents dont deserve to wash your dirty kinen at all.



My Conclusion: You were never truthful from Day-1.

Bollywood key filman kum dekho hazrat. Real life Bollywood sey bohot zyadah real hai. Larki key Amma Bawa ko bhi involve kar daley hain. Who is next. Seems it was Aankhon Mey Acha Lagney Wala Affair. Ice-cream khaye so khaye - aadhey rastey - ice-cream pighalta huwa oonglioon ko chikath karney laga to poora cone phaink dala kya? Haat Dhoney - Amma /Bawa key paas aap chaley gaye. Saree Tasweer Aap kee Muswaree ki daad dey rahee hai. Its not too late - take responsibility of your actions first. Then move on.



Write to me if you need a 'Reality Check' here.



Be a MAN and take responsibility for your actions. There is no shame and only when you accept your shame will you move forward and become emotionally stronger. At this point in time - this kind of damage control will obviously not work!!



Sorry - I speak my truth. Kya karna - naam Sadiq Hai Na? Just remember - you will be a parent one day? How will you react? what sort of as aprent would you like to be to your daughter/s? You have to be mmature about these things Mian?

[betty]

Would anyone want to help you?

I am in deep trouble. I had an affair before my marriage but we were never sure that we were in for marriage. ............. And here I was looking for marriage prospects and it suddenly got fixed. Things happend much fast than I expected and I was not able to tell the girl that I am getting married.. ...

You were having an affair, and never thought that the affair was for marriage? So, what were you having that 'affair' for - sexual pleasure?

To top it all, you let your parents continued to look for a match for you? Wow, you need a girl to sleep around before marriage and another to sleep with after marriage? And here I was thinking that the sex ratio of India was unequal and there are more guys than girls....

I agree with everything Ustaad said about you....

.. I had to assure her that things would be the same even after my marriage...I would be with her... ...

How could you give that assurance?
You never thought that you are now cheating both your girlfriend and your wife?

... 6 months is a long time and I have been through hell all these days.. ...

Well, you deserve that hell....

...
..they are just not reacting to anything and the girl is still as free as a bird calling me or insisting on meeting me at her own will... what should I do to make her realise the reality...

just a thought - maybe her parents think that you deserve it...which, frankly, you do....



Having a fling before marriage is no big deal, if both sides know what they are getting into and you have not committed to your wife yet....but in your case, it was a classic case of having 'fun' with someone else and agreeing to marry a parental choice. So, forget about sympathy from me at least....somehow words like 'should' and 'duty' are not meant for you...



All I can suggest is you come clean to your wife, she might just accept you and help you talk to the girl, and also come clean to the girl that you cannot continue as before, and that you lied when you said things will be the same.

[Portuguese Man-Of-War]

Ustaad, Betty and Truth, please let's take it easy on the guy. People do things in immaturity. It's after your first major mistake that you realize what matters of the heart are all about - all the movie-watching and novel-reading of childhood and adolescence don't make you realize what this is all about.



He's already learnt his lesson, he's come here for help, let's try and help both of them. I think if a person is not likely to make a mistake again, he needs no castigation. Punishment is for 3 purposes: it's either an attempt to reform a person, or to save society from him, or to set an example to others. None of the three is relevant here.



I have almost nothing to add to what Brigitta said, in terms of the best way to help the girl. But sometimes, the best treatment might not be the most humane.



If staying in denial helps the girl recover better, then so be it.



In her state of denial, she will be hopeful instead of devastated, and as long as she thinks that she always has the option to interact with this person, she will find it lesser of a temptation, and over the months, will slowly get over it, as she meets newer people.



It is like applying ointment on a pimple or sore instead of cutting it out of the body and levelling the surface.



Of course, there are implications for his marriage of this approach, and perhaps the approach might backfire on the girl too. But I never said this was going to be easy or foolproof - it's just an easy way out for the girl if handled well. She is the one all of us have to be concerned about since she is the one most hurt.



Someone with a full understanding of all issues involved will be able to judge better.

[Lifes too short to be perfect.]

Ustaad, Betty and Truth, please let's take it easy on the guy. People do things in immaturity. It's after your first major mistake that you realize what matters of the heart are all about - all the movie-watching and novel-reading of childhood and adolescence don't make you realize what this is all about.

He's already learnt his lesson, he's come here for help, let's try and help both of them. I think if a person is not likely to make a mistake again, he needs no castigation. Punishment is for 3 purposes: it's either an attempt to reform a person, or to save society from him, or to set an example to others. None of the three is relevant here.

I have almost nothing to add to what Brigitta said, in terms of the best way to help the girl. But sometimes, the best treatment might not be the most humane.

If staying in denial helps the girl recover better, then so be it.

In her state of denial, she will be hopeful instead of devastated, and as long as she thinks that she always has the option to interact with this person, she will find it lesser of a temptation, and over the months, will slowly get over it, as she meets newer people.

It is like applying ointment on a pimple or sore instead of cutting it out of the body and levelling the surface.

Of course, there are implications for his marriage of this approach, and perhaps the approach might backfire on the girl too. But I never said this was going to be easy or foolproof - it's just an easy way out for the girl if handled well. She is the one all of us have to be concerned about since she is the one most hurt.

Someone with a full understanding of all issues involved will be able to judge better.

Thanks for the observation. Trust me - I know there is a solution in everything that messes up. We are ther solutions ourselves. Needless to say - in this case and as isthe case in so many cases - the premise of a relationship requires certain parameters...... of Respect, Trust, Sincerity, Passion etc . Working on the parameters by both parties gives the relaptionship the flavour and character of Impeccability'. Something many of us nnever ever achieve to its fullest extent in the lengthiest of relationships. In some - nothingelse matters but the truth of the relationship. In thjis case, Vineet is a good man and has realized his mistake. Just the fact that has spoken about it so openly says alot about his honesty. Yes we do falter - and some falter badly.... recover and falter again. I guess human nature plays its part as well. Nevertheless - hyere we find the truth odf the situation being avoided by Vineet approaching the family and requesating them to explain to the girl - that her problems are due to a slight error in 'lying' to her and being 'deceptive', and 'leading her up the garden pathway'. Isn't that a typical scenario. Mind you - the girl is to blame equally.



Vineet must move on as he has already spoken his truth and is tryoing to honestly move on. I am sure he is totally regretful of what has happened - and the last thing he would have ever wished is to hurt the girl.... bghut as I mentioned - sometimes - we may not realize it but saying "NO" becomes such a difficult word to use. Worse than a 'four' letter word.



As for the girl - I say - Please accept the fact that you aloowed yourself to go alongwith the sweet nothings you heard and allowed your vanity and young mind to lead you. The moment you forget to add intelligence to your backpack - specially in a romantic 'fling' .. the possibilities of hurt, despair, isolation, hurt exsists 110% Kya?



Lets face it - the lines are very clear - Vineet has found the love of his life (or so we wish for his sake......) Now, to try and make a DRAMA out of it specially after the boy has been truthful is not fair to herself. Yes things do go wrong, relationships do go wrong, Love is not a slang word from Bollywood and life has to move on representing the finest values of what makes one happy. Why is the girl holding onto this error in judgement on Vineets part. It is not serving any purpose. She will find a hundred other gusy she can intelligently evaluate and eventually select one as her life mate. Nothing is perfect in life - and we must learn to live with our imperfections with dignity and grace. Lifes too short to be perfect.



You are right - also seems - there is not much arbitration to help these young people on with their lives. I wish elders would get involved equally and not treat such cases as typical - "Hai Hai Bawa - Budnami Dekho Kitni Hai - Logan Kya Bolengey?" I say - "Kuch Nahin Bolengey - Just Jump in and for the sake of preserving LOVE and HAPPINESS - intervene and help this case ".

[betty]

Ustaad, Betty and Truth, please let's take it easy on the guy. People do things in immaturity. It's after your first major mistake that you realize what matters of the heart are all about -..

So, that's all that it was - a mistake?

Would you have been so forgiving if a girl had done the same mistake to you?

Imagine the scenario - this guy knows his family is looking for a match and he had no intention of settling down with this girl, so why did he lead her on? Was that a mistake or a deliberate lie to take her to bed?

But sometimes, the best treatment might not be the most humane.

If staying in denial helps the girl recover better, then so be it..

Staying in denial never helps anyone, it makes matters worse.
If the girl has to recover, she has to be told the truth. And to be told that 'look am married, and not to you, so i have no responsibilites towards you and please stay away'.
If she doesn't, then he needs to stop taking her calls.

Vineet is a good man and has realized his mistake. Just the fact that has spoken about it so openly says alot about his honesty. Yes we do falter - and some falter badly.... recover and falter again. I guess human nature plays its part as well.

Spoken so openly - where, in a forum? Why did he speak so openly - because a forum allows a person to be 100% incognito....so there's really no merit in a person coming clean in a forum, if he has not done so in reality.

Nevertheless - hyere we find the truth odf the situation being avoided by Vineet approaching the family and requesating them to explain to the girl - that her problems are due to a slight error in 'lying' to her and being 'deceptive', and 'leading her up the garden pathway'. Isn't that a typical scenario. Mind you - the girl is to blame equally.

Great, both POW and LTSTBP have labelled this as a 'sight error'....deception and lying are NOT slight errors...the truth is Vineet screwed a girl , screwed her confidence and her trust on any man....this might sound dramatic to some whoa re used to moving in and out of 'flings'... but the truth is, to one party in this 'fling', the affair was serious and the other did nothing before he threw her out to correct that misconception.

Vineet must move on as he has already spoken his truth and is tryoing to honestly move on.

Again 'spoken the truth' ina forum...where he came looking for help to get the girl off his back....there's no value to such 'hoensty'...

As for the girl - I say - Please accept the fact that you aloowed yourself to go alongwith the sweet nothings you heard and allowed your vanity and young mind to lead you. The moment you forget to add intelligence to your backpack - specially in a romantic 'fling' .. the possibilities of hurt, despair, isolation, hurt exsists 110% Kya?

Correction, the girl was not lacking intelligence, she must have been plain emotional...why are the victims called dumb, as if she invited someone to do this to her......

[WTF??? HP]

Ustaad, Betty and Truth, please let's take it easy on the guy. People do things in immaturity. It's after your first major mistake that you realize what matters of the heart are all about -..

So, that's all that it was - a mistake?

Would you have been so forgiving if a girl had done the same mistake to you?

Imagine the scenario - this guy knows his family is looking for a match and he had no intention of settling down with this girl, so why did he lead her on? Was that a mistake or a deliberate lie to take her to bed?

If you think you're being objective here, you're mistaken. Your posts here smack of a bias against Vineet. Now, I do not confirm with his actions before he got married. But whatever is happening right now is not his fault. And I feel its wrong to blame him completely for the current situation and elevate the girl to the status of a martyr.

But sometimes, the best treatment might not be the most humane.

If staying in denial helps the girl recover better, then so be it..

Staying in denial never helps anyone, it makes matters worse.
If the girl has to recover, she has to be told the truth. And to be told that 'look am married, and not to you, so i have no responsibilites towards you and please stay away'.
If she doesn't, then he needs to stop taking her calls.

Now, doesn't she already know that he's married? And if she's a major, some level of maturity should also be expected from her as well to understand the situation and back off by herself.

Vineet is a good man and has realized his mistake. Just the fact that has spoken about it so openly says alot about his honesty. Yes we do falter - and some falter badly.... recover and falter again. I guess human nature plays its part as well.

Spoken so openly - where, in a forum? Why did he speak so openly - because a forum allows a person to be 100% incognito....so there's really no merit in a person coming clean in a forum, if he has not done so in reality.

How can you assume that he hasn't come clean in real life? Isn't that a baseless assumption you've made there? Maybe he has discussed the same thing he said here with his friends and family too?

Nevertheless - hyere we find the truth odf the situation being avoided by Vineet approaching the family and requesating them to explain to the girl - that her problems are due to a slight error in 'lying' to her and being 'deceptive', and 'leading her up the garden pathway'. Isn't that a typical scenario. Mind you - the girl is to blame equally.

Great, both POW and LTSTBP have labelled this as a 'sight error'....deception and lying are NOT slight errors...the truth is Vineet screwed a girl , screwed her confidence and her trust on any man....this might sound dramatic to some whoa re used to moving in and out of 'flings'... but the truth is, to one party in this 'fling', the affair was serious and the other did nothing before he threw her out to correct that misconception.

Okay....would you be happy if we changed the nomenclature from "slight error" to "gross error"? Bottomline still remains that he did it without any malice towards the girl in question and the only thing he's culpable of is avoiding responsibilities and misleading someone. You're coming down on him as if he's committed murder. As someone else said before me, no one among us is perfect and we've all made errors of judgement from time to time. And you're on the right path once you're realised your error and have decided not to repeat it.

Talking of him screwing her, where did he ever say that? He has just mentioned an affair he had with someone. How does the word "affair" imply a physical relationship? Don't we all venture into a relationship in stages? Maybe the girl was a step or two faster than Vineet when it came to the developement of the relationship and that came as a shock to him.

Guys, please think before venting out so much venom on someone just because you feel he did something wrong.

Vineet must move on as he has already spoken his truth and is tryoing to honestly move on.

Again 'spoken the truth' ina forum...where he came looking for help to get the girl off his back....there's no value to such 'hoensty'...

Where did he say that he wanted to get the girl off his back? all he did was stated the situation he was in and asked for suggestions. It was you who thought that he wanted to get the girl off his back. (Maybe a subconscious interpretation of what you would have done had you been in his place?)

As for the girl - I say - Please accept the fact that you aloowed yourself to go alongwith the sweet nothings you heard and allowed your vanity and young mind to lead you. The moment you forget to add intelligence to your backpack - specially in a romantic 'fling' .. the possibilities of hurt, despair, isolation, hurt exsists 110% Kya?

Correction, the girl was not lacking intelligence, she must have been plain emotional...why are the victims called dumb, as if she invited someone to do this to her......

Correction....the girl might have been ultra emotional to begin with but at this point of time, she's being nothing more than plain stupid. trying to hang on to something that she knows very well is not hers.

[betty]

Reading your post HP makes me feel you replied to it for no reason other than to argue with me....and make some very personal remarks in bad taste.

So, that's all that it was - a mistake?

Would you have been so forgiving if a girl had done the same mistake to you?

Imagine the scenario - this guy knows his family is looking for a match and he had no intention of settling down with this girl, so why did he lead her on? Was that a mistake or a deliberate lie to take her to bed?

If you think you're being objective here, you're mistaken. Your posts here smack of a bias against Vineet. Now, I do not confirm with his actions before he got married. But whatever is happening right now is not his fault. And I feel its wrong to blame him completely for the current situation and elevate the girl to the status of a martyr.

When did I say that the girl is a martyr?

And how can I have a 'bias' against a person whom I don't know except for how he treated a girl?

Let's not get into personal attacks here HP, because that's what you are doing to me. Vineet invited the attack when he posted his experience....but I don't see why I should be personally attacked jsut ebcause I put my opinions here.
And whatever is happening right now is definitely a result of his past, so naturally it is damn well his fault.

Staying in denial never helps anyone, it makes matters worse.
If the girl has to recover, she has to be told the truth. And to be told that 'look am married, and not to you, so i have no responsibilites towards you and please stay away'.
If she doesn't, then he needs to stop taking her calls.

Now, doesn't she already know that he's married? And if she's a major, some level of maturity should also be expected from her as well to understand the situation and back off by herself..

Well, she does know he is married, but Vineet did tell her that everything will remain the same even after he is married...didn't he? So naturally, now he needs to tell her that it cannot be the same.

Spoken so openly - where, in a forum? Why did he speak so openly - because a forum allows a person to be 100% incognito....so there's really no merit in a person coming clean in a forum, if he has not done so in reality.

How can you assume that he hasn't come clean in real life? Isn't that a baseless assumption you've made there? Maybe he has discussed the same thing he said here with his friends and family too?.

Do you really believe that or are you jsut saying it to counteract my arguement? If this issue was so public, wouldn't it have been very easy to cure it? You really think he came clean about this to his wife, his parents and friends? Use your brains - even if he tells you he did, you should not be believing him, if you go as per logic.

Great, both POW and LTSTBP have labelled this as a 'sight error'....deception and lying are NOT slight errors...the truth is Vineet screwed a girl , screwed her confidence and her trust on any man....this might sound dramatic to some whoa re used to moving in and out of 'flings'... but the truth is, to one party in this 'fling', the affair was serious and the other did nothing before he threw her out to correct that misconception.

Okay....would you be happy if we changed the nomenclature from "slight error" to "gross error"? Bottomline still remains that he did it without any malice towards the girl in question and the only thing he's culpable of is avoiding responsibilities and misleading someone. You're coming down on him as if he's committed murder. As someone else said before me, no one among us is perfect and we've all made errors of judgement from time to time. And you're on the right path once you're realised your error and have decided not to repeat it.

Talking of him screwing her, where did he ever say that? He has just mentioned an affair he had with someone. How does the word "affair" imply a physical relationship? Don't we all venture into a relationship in stages? Maybe the girl was a step or two faster than Vineet when it came to the developement of the relationship and that came as a shock to him.

Yes, we all venture into relationships in stages, and yes, we all go through relationships which might not work out in the end. But to get into a relationship knowing that you yourself will not allow it to work out, because you are sure that you will eventually settle down with someone else, is, I suppose called crudely. 'doing time pass'? And though now there are many on this board who will now talk of Vineet's 'time pass' as a mere short period in his life, would they have reacted the same way if it had been done to them by another person, with whom they were thinking of having a permanent relationship?

It really doesn't matter whether the affair was physical or jsut emotional - all that matters is trust and trust is a big thing. Maybe it is not murder of a person because she is still alive, but isn't breaking a trust a crime anymore, even if it is not punishable by law,at least a crime which should be spoken against? Or have we all moved on to such a fast-moving world that nothing matters anymore and all that is left is to argue out that the person who broke the trust did not know what he was doing and the other person was a fool to trust this person?

Guys, please think before venting out so much venom on someone just because you feel he did something wrong..

Look who's speaking - maybe you should think before you vent out so much venom on me, who did not even do anything?

...where he came looking for help to get the girl off his back....there's no value to such 'hoensty'...

Where did he say that he wanted to get the girl off his back? all he did was stated the situation he was in and asked for suggestions. It was you who thought that he wanted to get the girl off his back. (Maybe a subconscious interpretation of what you would have done had you been in his place?)

You know what HP, you should stop being personal, or else, stop posting. In fact, stop trying to judge my psychology, becasue I didn't ask for help. This is so malicious on your part by lashing out like this.

And again, you are fooling yourself if you say that Vineet doesn't want the girl off his back.

Correction....the girl might have been ultra emotional to begin with but at this point of time, she's being nothing more than plain stupid. trying to hang on to something that she knows very well is not hers.

Well, yeah, now she is being stupid, but then Vineet needs to tell her in plain terms that the situation has changed...that's what he has not done...and hopes her parents would do....strange, right, when it was time to sweet talk and make false promises, it was Vineet, when it was time to say that all those talks and promises were false, it has to be the parents....

[betty]

Anyways, back-and-forth arguements aside, this is my constructive suggestion of what might be the best approach. This is devoid of whatever bias I have been accused of having, but is written from the point of view of a woman, totally, assuming I understand other women.



Women are emotional, they think with their hearts, so taht's where you need to appeal. The dialogues to be used may sound melodramatic, but that's what is required in this situation.



Step 1:

--------

1. Talk to your ex and try to convince her. Meet on neutral ground, nowhere too romantic, or anywhere where you might have met before, but choose a palce where you can talk.



2. Talk to her as brigitta pointed out - about your life being different from hers and about both being free and say that she was great but it is jsut that you love someone else. If she asks if you can remain friends, tell her it will not be possible....DON'T say 'yes'. Tell her your wife will be very upset if you meet her, and you cannot see your wife upset, etc. etc. Pile on all the emotions necessary for your wife, and make it clear that there is no palce for her in your life. It will be cruel, but worth it.



If this step works out, then you are lucky and you don't need step 2.



Step 2:

-------



1. Tell your wife:

Don't be shocked, she will not eat you up, if you know how to put it.

Tell her you are extremely troubled,a nd losing sleep and not doing well at work, because an old flame is troubling you. Don't be disrespectful when you speak of your ex, because your wife might ask things like, 'when i am old, you are going to speak of me in the same way etc. etc.' But don't praise your ex, rather, comapre her to your wife,a nd point out all the great qualities your wife has....bluff if you need to do that.

Trust me, wives need security, assurance, and all the attention in the world....and they will happily be ready to be led anywhere by their husbands....emotions are the key.



2. Don't take your ex's phone calls any more:

If she has your home phone number, then take the calls in front of your wife, don't hide them from her, and keep on repeating into the phone 'stop calling, i never loved you, please come to your senses'. If she calls at your office, the caller id will allow you to ignore her calls.



3. Pamper your wife a lot to make her forget about your past. Lather it on, don't leave any stone unturned to make her feel the top of the world...there's no room for halfways here.



Rest assured, at the end of this, if your ex turns up at your door step, your wife will handle her.

[WTF??? HP]

Reading your post HP makes me feel you replied to it for no reason other than to argue with me....and make some very personal remarks in bad taste.

The only reason I made this post was that I saw the incident in a much broader light than you and wanted to share the same with you. There was only one personal remark I made in the process and that was because you yourself were unduly personal in your attack on Vineet, which I feel was wrong.

And you sure do have quite a high opinion about yourself to think that I would waste my time just to argue with you. I've got better stuff to do. Had I been the type who gets personal for no reason, I'd have been doing that on every thread you post on.

If you think you're being objective here, you're mistaken. Your posts here smack of a bias against Vineet. Now, I do not confirm with his actions before he got married. But whatever is happening right now is not his fault. And I feel its wrong to blame him completely for the current situation and elevate the girl to the status of a martyr.

When did I say that the girl is a martyr?

And how can I have a 'bias' against a person whom I don't know except for how he treated a girl?

The reason why I say that you have a bias is that you judged a person and his character completely on the basis of just one or two posts he made on a DB. You called him umpteen names and accused him of numerous things without having a strong basis for the same.

Let's not get into personal attacks here HP, because that's what you are doing to me. Vineet invited the attack when he posted his experience....but I don't see why I should be personally attacked jsut ebcause I put my opinions here.

Do you mean to say that Vineet wouldn't have invited the attack had he put the same thing as his opinions to a hypothetical situation? Why should he deserve all this censure for trying to get help? If an AIDS victim posted about his situation here, would you ridicule him by saying that you didn't have safe sex and now you should pay for your acts?

And whatever is happening right now is definitely a result of his past, so naturally it is damn well his fault.

This is the rudeness I found offensive. Don't you think you're being too judgemental here?

Well, she does know he is married, but Vineet did tell her that everything will remain the same even after he is married...didn't he? So naturally, now he needs to tell her that it cannot be the same.

Does your relationship with all your friends and acquaintances change after you get married? Again, you're making way too many assumptions about the scene and being judgemental.

Do you really believe that or are you jsut saying it to counteract my arguement? If this issue was so public, wouldn't it have been very easy to cure it? You really think he came clean about this to his wife, his parents and friends? Use your brains - even if he tells you he did, you should not be believing him, if you go as per logic.

I do not believe in anything that he said and neither did I say anything on this forum to argue with you. I can list out umpteen issues that are public but do not have a solution. Who told you that if an issue is public, it should necessarily have a solution.

Yes, we all venture into relationships in stages, and yes, we all go through relationships which might not work out in the end. But to get into a relationship knowing that you yourself will not allow it to work out, because you are sure that you will eventually settle down with someone else, is, I suppose called crudely. 'doing time pass'? And though now there are many on this board who will now talk of Vineet's 'time pass' as a mere short period in his life, would they have reacted the same way if it had been done to them by another person, with whom they were thinking of having a permanent relationship?

Now let's look at Vineet's post once again.

I had an affair before my marriage but we were never sure that we were in for marriage.

All this says is that he was going out with someone and it has nothing about Vineet having made any commitments to the girl. Something you assumed.

It just happened that the girl got so much attached to me that she started thinking in terms of marriage but never told me.

The girl assumed a state of commitment from Vineet but never opened up with him about it.

And here I was looking for marriage prospects and it suddenly got fixed.

Commonplace in Indian homes, isn't it?

Things happend much fast than I expected and I was not able to tell the girl that I am getting married.. and when I finally told her it was too late and I was shocked to see how much in pain she was....

This is the only part where I hold Vineet at fault. He should have been transparent about the marriage proposals his family was considering. And he should have told her without wasting any time about his marriage having been fixed.

It really doesn't matter whether the affair was physical or jsut emotional - all that matters is trust and trust is a big thing. Maybe it is not murder of a person because she is still alive, but isn't breaking a trust a crime anymore, even if it is not punishable by law,at least a crime which should be spoken against? Or have we all moved on to such a fast-moving world that nothing matters anymore and all that is left is to argue out that the person who broke the trust did not know what he was doing and the other person was a fool to trust this person?

In the light of whatever we've seen above, the trust factor itself is debatable. What did the girl trust him to do? What was he expecting out of him? Did she ever state her expectations to him? Till these questions are answered, we cannot label anyone as having broken anyone's trust.

Look who's speaking - maybe you should think before you vent out so much venom on me, who did not even do anything?

I didn't vent any venom at you personally. All I said was apropos your post. And save one sentence, nothing in my post above is personal. The only thing that qualifies to be rated as personal is my statement about your subconscious interpretations. And that, because you went over the top in castigating Vineet.

You know what HP, you should stop being personal, or else, stop posting. In fact, stop trying to judge my psychology, becasue I didn't ask for help. This is so malicious on your part by lashing out like this.

I guess I've answered that above. As for you asking for help, you sure didn't ask for it, but I won't be as sure on the question of you needing it. Tum karo chamatkar, hum karein balaatkar?

Well, yeah, now she is being stupid, but then Vineet needs to tell her in plain terms that the situation has changed...that's what he has not done...and hopes her parents would do....strange, right, when it was time to sweet talk and make false promises, it was Vineet, when it was time to say that all those talks and promises were false, it has to be the parents....

Again....an assumption. What led you to believe that?

[Sharjeel]

Me needs a big sack of popcorn for this.

[D-reading-S]

Just to scroll down with my scroll button it takes long.. cant thing bout reading all the stuff

[KK]

You are a bad person and more importantly you are stupid. Helplessly lying over other lies wud only lead you to do more mistakes.



Looks to me that the gurl you are dealing is stupid/ insecure/ depressed or perhaps crazy. Your best bet is to stay away from her as much as you can till she finds another partner. Help her but dont give an impression that you are closing the distance in your relation in that process. Dont complicate things by bringing in their parents.



I have seen people getting into deep shit managing just one girl

- Oh boy, how are you surviving with 2 gurls ?

[CtrlAltDel]

its a matter of time before the girl starts calling that guy on phone "v-v-v-v-v-v-v-vineet"

[smack]

Advise is something we seek when we know what to do but want others to confirm it.



Vineet,



I think urs is a classic case of not willing to let go of a good thing. The quintessential male factor of having a girl on the side.



Just tell her that u r married and there is no possibility of having any kind of relation. Not even an occassional phone call. And best thing u could do is discuss with her parents openly. And put an end to this, and pretty soon.



Once ur wife comes to know abt this, u r gonna be in deep trouble.



Do not let her blackmail u or threaten u with suicide. It is not easy to commit suicide. But it is an effective tool to put pressure on some one. And just in case this girl is crazy enuff to do it, please understand, u will be held responsible. So, discuss with her folks about het threats of suicide. She is not your responsibility but the situation is created by both of you.



So, as Betty suggested, meet her, tell her clearly that there is no way she is gonna be happy being the other woman. And u can sugar coat it by telling her that she is too good to remain the other woman and that she can find a better guy than u.



But please once done, never have anything to do with her. No phone calls / emails / chats / meeting etc.



Do not forget, there is a third n a very important person in ur life involved here and anything u do is gonna affect ur wife, who has nothing to do with the while mess.



Good luck, Vineet

[san]

Me needs a big sack of popcorn for this.

I'll get the coke

[CtrlAltDel]

Me needs a big sack of popcorn for this.

I'll get the coke

...and I, the beer

[betty]

Hey what's happening - why did my last post get deleted?



I was very sure there was nothing offensive in it, in fact, this is what i wrote, at least as far as i remember:

---------------------------------------------------

I'll stop replying to this thread because that is jsut getting me more personal attacks and really don't see why it should happen jsut because i put my opinions into a thread. A bit of ragging, leg-pulling, I suppose I have never taken them in any other way than witha dash of humour, but this is not very comfortable.



I just have one question:

You know what HP, you should stop being personal, or else, stop posting. In fact, stop trying to judge my psychology, becasue I didn't ask for help. This is so malicious on your part by lashing out like this.

I guess I've answered that above. As for you asking for help, you sure didn't ask for it, but I won't be as sure on the question of you needing it. Tum karo chamatkar, hum karein balaatkar?.

What exactly did that line mean? And why was it written in this context?

---------------



Now mods, can you please tell me why you deleted my post?

[Rachel Green]

Hey Vineet,



U posted this on May 13th and today's the 17th...

Made up ur mind as 2 wat ur gonna do as yet?

[Bimbette]

Vineet,



I was trying to think of it from the ex's point of view and your wife's.



No two ways, sever all ties with the ex. Your ex-gf seems to be an intense person but you will have to tell her off in no uncertain terms. And god forbid if u still maintain some form of contact with her, then its your funeral.



I feel sorry for your wife. Please see that she is told the plain truth and like some other members on the board have mentioned, beg for forgiveness. She is going to be damn hurt when she gets to know but it's better for her to swallow a bitter pill now than get to know of this from the ex's parents or someone else.



Good luck.

[smack]

Please see that she is told the plain truth and like some other members on the board have mentioned, beg for forgiveness. She is going to be damn hurt when she gets to know but it's better for her to swallow a bitter pill now than get to know of this from the ex's parents or someone else.

Good luck.

I guess if Vineet can be tough with his ex and make her see reason, he need not inform his wife at all. My point being, if his wife can be spared the trauma of learning abt it, all the better. It is not easy but Vineet has to pull all his wits for a long time before the whole issue simmers down and then no one involved woul dcare.