Long Distance Relationships

[Mayavi Morpheus]

What is a long distance relationship? Are we talking couple who had been togather for a while and are now living away from each other due to circumstances or are we talking about those who came to know each other through internet and have never seen or met each other or both?

How many of you here have been in a long distance relationship?

[pingu]

i'd have to say that LDRs are quite difficult and painful, even more so than non-L DRs.



[2 paise]



you have to let the little things slide but talk clearly about the big things



[/2 paise]



the rub , clearly , lies in deciding whether an issue is little or not.

and thats what decides whether the relationship will last or not.

if to one person an issue is a big deal and its trivial to the other person , then your headed for big trouble ...



for example ,at the start , i used to be a stuck-up dcikwad who'd make a big deal about calling on time ... she'd say she'd call at a certain time and never would.this would cause massive fights and heartburn. she'd accuse me of making a big deal about trivial stuff.i would huff and puff.but as time passed , i figured that she is a scatterbrain and thats just her.so now its not that big a deal.



but another issue is trust ... i have a problem with her having too many close guyfriends. and she recognises that and we talk whenever anything crops up.and we're pretty honest and realistic about stuff ...





yeah , i could fill pages about being in an LDR ...

[fullhyd.com]

Hey Moddie

Sorry my comp is acting cranky thats why three similar posts and lot of grammatical errors (which arent made out of ignorance.)...
Can mod make the changes so that I dont look that dumb!

Thanks

Aishwarya

Done. And please don't call us "Moddie". We have something against it, though we aren't able to currently put a finger on exactly what. We are open to help on this.



Regards,

fullhyd.com

[Aishwarya]

Hey Moddie

Sorry my comp is acting cranky thats why three similar posts and lot of grammatical errors (which arent made out of ignorance.)...
Can mod make the changes so that I dont look that dumb!

Thanks

Aishwarya

Done. And please don't call us "Moddie". We have something against it, though we aren't able to currently put a finger on exactly what. We are open to help on this.

Regards,
fullhyd.com

You know what.. I think it is the way it is spelt, well is it okay if I call you m!!c!!k&&d (pronounced as "moddie" but with loads of attitude )

Aishwarya



P.S. Thanks for the prompt response!

[Aishwarya]

i'd have to say that LDRs are quite difficult and painful, even more so than non-L DRs.

[2 paise]

you have to let the little things slide but talk clearly about the big things

[/2 paise]

the rub , clearly , lies in deciding whether an issue is little or not.
and thats what decides whether the relationship will last or not.
if to one person an issue is a big deal and its trivial to the other person , then your headed for big trouble ...

for example ,at the start , i used to be a stuck-up dcikwad who'd make a big deal about calling on time ... she'd say she'd call at a certain time and never would.this would cause massive fights and heartburn. she'd accuse me of making a big deal about trivial stuff.i would huff and puff.but as time passed , i figured that she is a scatterbrain and thats just her.so now its not that big a deal.

but another issue is trust ... i have a problem with her having too many close guyfriends. and she recognises that and we talk whenever anything crops up.and we're pretty honest and realistic about stuff ...


yeah , i could fill pages about being in an LDR ...

Exactly, see this is what I am talking about. Everytime you have to make a compromise on something as big as this, that puts a strain on the relationship. Everytime you have to put an effort not to react to such things, drains you out and eventually that would lead to boredom and indifference(whihc happened in your case). THAT has to be avoided in LDR.



Yes, one has to make compromises in life... But then, one needs to decide the difference between a reasonable compromise, something that is genuinely worth making (this on time on your GF's part about not talking about her guy friends and sticking to the word) and something that is totally absurd, like expecting to write amils everyday depsite having two one hour long conversations every day (That is ridiculous).



We have friends of opposite sex, sometime we do tend to get intimate in terms of sharing some personal stuff, mind you not physically. This might not be taken in the right light by your partner who si thousands of miles away from you. At this time it is not actually prudent to share everything about your other relationships, which definetly are platonic and which have their limits, with your partner. Honest is not wise in this case but that doesnt mean that you are lying to other person. This is a tough call one has to make.



1. Either you dont have any friends of opposite sex. That avoids all the complications. But how natural is that and how practical is it?



2. You dont talk about everything to your partner.



3. You have friends and your share everything but at the risk of further complications... That depends on the maturity of the other person.



What do you think about that?

[pingu]

umm .. you seem to have gotten a couple of things wrong ...

lead to boredom and indifference(whihc happened in your case).

did not happen ... im not indifferent but understanding

something that is genuinely worth making (this on time on your GF's part about not talking about her guy friends and sticking to the word)

she doesn't not talk about them ... she talks about them all the friggin time ...

not important ... but i just felt like clarifying ..

This is a tough call one has to make.

1. Either you dont have any friends of opposite sex. That avoids all the complications. But how natural is that and how practical is it?

2. You dont talk about everything to your partner.

3. You have friends and your share everything but at the risk of further complications... That depends on the maturity of the other person.

What do you think about that?

for us its #3 ..

its caused a shitload of problems and heartache ... but we like to think it'l work in the long run.

[Aishwarya]

for us its #3 ..
its caused a shitload of problems and heartache ... but we like to think it'l work in the long run.

Well like I said before, finally its your call but I am not quite sure how it would help in the long run. It is not like that.. Whenever you start arguing , you will dig all these issues from the past when you were in LDR and that arguement will eventually snowball into something very ugly.. You dont need that...



When it comes to those things, women are more tolerant. When they forgive they more or less tend to forget (atleast majority of them, your experiance might be different), but men .. they are more insecure than women and when they forgive they almost never forget... And they have all those issue at the back of their mind...



{I would strongly sugghest your GF to keep her trap shut for the good of the relationship... It never really helps talking about other guys (bad is okay, infact it is good) but definetly not good...



And as a general suggestion (TOTALLY TANGENTIAL TO THE DISCUSSION) to all the men out there.. We are not your mothers, we wil never be and we dont want to be... So never compare us with your moms... We agree that they are better than us...}

[It]

This thread has taken a detour. Back to the topic, pls.

[Aishwarya]

This thread has taken a detour. Back to the topic, pls.

Yeah you are right, but thats how human mind works, always wandering.





Anyways.. So back to LDRs. So lets say you have been away from each other for a while now and you know it will be couple of years before you can be together again. You are depseratly in love but unable to meet for some reason. It is hard enuf alredy that you cant get to meet as often as other couples do, but the fact that you cannot meet for years at strech is quite difficult.



Do you then,



1. Well, stick by your decision and let the things go the way they were going.



2. Start fooling around? Remember you cant meet for months of not years at a stretch.



3. Call it quits coz you are not the two timing kind, but at the same are tired of LDR!!

[Sharjeel]

Anyways.. So back to LDRs. So lets say you have been away from each other for a while now and you know it will be couple of years before you can be together again. You are depseratly in love but unable to meet for some reason. It is hard enuf alredy that you cant get to meet as often as other couples do, but the fact that you cannot meet for years at strech is quite difficult.

Do you then,

1. Well, stick by your decision and let the things go the way they were going.

2. Start fooling around? Remember you cant meet for months of not years at a stretch.

3. Call it quits coz you are not the two timing kind, but at the same are tired of LDR!!

In this scenario, my position would start in 1, and generally move towards 3. It would not be a case of being tired with LDRs, but it is a question of how long a person can wait.

[ukeridge]

This thread has taken a detour. Back to the topic, pls.

Yeah you are right, but thats how human mind works, always wandering.


Anyways.. So back to LDRs. So lets say you have been away from each other for a while now and you know it will be couple of years before you can be together again. You are depseratly in love but unable to meet for some reason. It is hard enuf alredy that you cant get to meet as often as other couples do, but the fact that you cannot meet for years at strech is quite difficult.

Do you then,

1. Well, stick by your decision and let the things go the way they were going.

2. Start fooling around? Remember you cant meet for months of not years at a stretch.

3. Call it quits coz you are not the two timing kind, but at the same are tired of LDR!!

Yes, I agree with Aishwarya that LDRs are a very particular type of relationship, and likely a very difficult one to sustain.



The reason for that is simple: any kind of successful love relationship, in the *long run*, has to be founded on mutual caring and mutual fulfillment of needs, and the willingness, nay, desire to do invest in the relationship accordingly. (It's a different matter that in the short-term physical or other attractions and associated passions can carry the relationship.)



Long-distance, lengthy separation obviously makes this quite difficult. In the unusual cases when they do sustain over a length period of time, it is quite possible that they fly on the wings of fantasy...naturally the landing, when it happens, can be quite hard.



So, #1 is what you may aim for, but may sooner or later may find yourself questioning. I think that it would just be a natural evolution if you revisit the question (if only subconsciously) from time to time. In that case you would be jumping to #3.



#2 is of course out of the question, since then you no longer have an LDR to speak of, really.

[Hello!]

That was beautifully put by ukeridge. First timer and what a start!



Why did you outrightly reject the idea of fooling around. See, physical needs are much more mundane and easy to satisfy than emotional needs, which are far complicated. Also, I always think I can forgive a person who has cheated on me by sleeping with a certain someone but cannot forgive someone who has emotionally let me down. So, I guess I would understand of my partner was fooling around (I dont have any right now, and may be thats why I am so idealistic about it. But going by my past experiances related to situation totally different from relationships etc, I guess I can extrapolate it to LDR). Lack of fullfilement of physical needs can further add to the frustration of being in LDR and make it even more complicated. So there is nothing particularly wrong in fooling around

[ukeridge]

That was beautifully put by ukeridge. First timer and what a start!

Why did you outrightly reject the idea of fooling around. See, physical needs are much more mundane and easy to satisfy than emotional needs, which are far complicated. Also, I always think I can forgive a person who has cheated on me by sleeping with a certain someone but cannot forgive someone who has emotionally let me down. So, I guess I would understand of my partner was fooling around (I dont have any right now, and may be thats why I am so idealistic about it. But going by my past experiances related to situation totally different from relationships etc, I guess I can extrapolate it to LDR). Lack of fullfilement of physical needs can further add to the frustration of being in LDR and make it even more complicated. So there is nothing particularly wrong in fooling around

Why do I reject #2 outright? Call me a romantic, if you will, but I do not think that physical needs are mundane. For most people, I imagine, the meeting of physical needs is acceptable only in an environment of genuine affection and attachment. Such an environment, in turn, cannot be fostered unless certain (maybe not all) emotional needs are being met in this -- other -- relationship. So you only muddy the waters, and in the process jeopardize one, if not both, relationships.



If a given person easily seeks the fulfillment of physical needs in a second relationship, how much credibility would you attach to his/her commitment to the original LDR? I would not attach much...

[mayumi]

Also, I always think I can forgive a person who has cheated on me by sleeping with a certain someone but cannot forgive someone who has emotionally let me down.

What seems to be difference between the 2? Say for example you are inlove with ur partner and u found out that she/he slept with someone, (whatever the reason is) wouldnt u also consider this as emotionally painful?

And this mostly happens to a couple involved in LDR that would lead to losing of trust, and if trust is nowhere to exist between the two then I dont think LDR is still worth keeping for. Given that scenario, trust is so important in any kind of relationship esp in this LDR thing bcoz u never see each other and the only way to make the relationship survive is to believe in each other.

[Zephyr]

There are a lot of LDRs that work. Its just that the people who are in happy LDRs do not login online and share their happiness. The only time people share LDR stuff is when everything is horribly wrong and need support.. brought to attention only when they dont work out. Sad thing is that people(read women) are sometimes too influenced by these failures and let their judgement about their relationships be clouded by others failures.Now we know that women can be fickle sometimes,Especially the modern woman, the woman that is easily brainwashed by movies,books,oprah,sex and the city,relationship books,magazines and fellow LDR failures.





(wears suit to protect himself)

[Aishwarya]

There are a lot of LDRs that work. Its just that the people who are in happy LDRs do not login online and share their happiness. The only time people share LDR stuff is when everything is horribly wrong and need support.. brought to attention only when they dont work out. Sad thing is that people(read women) are sometimes too influenced by these failures and let their judgement about their relationships be clouded by others failures.Now we know that women can be fickle sometimes,Especially the modern woman, the woman that is easily brainwashed by movies,books,oprah,sex and the city,relationship books,magazines and fellow LDR failures.


(wears suit to protect himself)

Looks like you were left heartbroken in an LDR... I am really sorry if I am right.



Actually, women are more stable in LDR than men. Men have these strong sexual urges and they have little restraint over them, women on the other hand dont. Ficklemindedness is not typical of women, I know so many men who are fickle...And what has being modern to do with being fickle. Why are you misunderstanding being independant to being fickleminded. Infact, these days although women have more options, as they are more out going and get to interact with lot of men both in their workplace and otehr social gatherings, they are still very loyal and tolerant towards their male counterparts...



I had to say all that because you attributed failure of LDR to women being more independant and everything. Failure is because of lack of trust, insecurity, boredom and various otherr reasons. It can be from both the man or the women in the relationship.

[Zephyr]

I didnt put in a note on purpose cos i knew u would come to that conclusion . Nope , my opinion has nothing to do with my personal experiences. I speak from what i see. If i failed in love, i wouldnt let it out cos i dont want the sympathy, if im happy in love, i wouldnt let it out cos I dont want to hurt the broken hearted.



"Ficklemindedness is not typical of women"



lets see...role models of city girls these days ...



1.Rachael

2.Carrie

3.Grace

4.Losers on Oprah

There are a lot of LDRs that work. Its just that the people who are in happy LDRs do not login online and share their happiness. The only time people share LDR stuff is when everything is horribly wrong and need support.. brought to attention only when they dont work out. Sad thing is that people(read women) are sometimes too influenced by these failures and let their judgement about their relationships be clouded by others failures.Now we know that women can be fickle sometimes,Especially the modern woman, the woman that is easily brainwashed by movies,books,oprah,sex and the city,relationship books,magazines and fellow LDR failures.


(wears suit to protect himself)

Looks like you were left heartbroken in an LDR... I am really sorry if I am right.

Actually, women are more stable in LDR than men. Men have these strong sexual urges and they have little restraint over them, women on the other hand dont. Ficklemindedness is not typical of women, I know so many men who are fickle...And what has being modern to do with being fickle. Why are you misunderstanding being independant to being fickleminded. Infact, these days although women have more options, as they are more out going and get to interact with lot of men both in their workplace and otehr social gatherings, they are still very loyal and tolerant towards their male counterparts...

I had to say all that because you attributed failure of LDR to women being more independant and everything. Failure is because of lack of trust, insecurity, boredom and various otherr reasons. It can be from both the man or the women in the relationship.

[VJ]

Hi Evryone,



Lets Assume,



Long: Something which you cannot see.



Distance: Again something which you cannot see.



Relationship: Yet again something which you cannot see.



Then LDR is an internal feeling an individual tends to feel that there is someone there to think of in terms of happiness and sorrow. It cannot be seen. Its only felt on occasions, When you think a person could have helped you or u could have helped him.



LDR stands as an Imaginary profile in our heads. Thats it.



Cheers,

@VJ

[Portuguese Man-Of-War]

Nice thread.



IMHO, LDRs can break down either due to the partners



1. straying, or

2. tiring / losing interest.



Let's look at straying first:



If ethics is defined as placing duty and promise above temptation, then you're lucky in a LDR if both you and your partner are ethical. You've committed to someone that you are with him/her, and will not let the weaknesses of your flesh make you break your promise first.



If you are not ethical - either because you are inherently crooked or because your will is too weak - then it's harsh on your partner. But in the long run, he/she has been saved from someone who's unworthy.



As for the tiring / losing interest part:



A genuine problem. The best ways are:



1. Continuous interactions

2. Frequent physical meetings

3. Understanding what your partner is doing for you without him/her having to spell it out, and constantly appreciating that

4. Doing something special for your partner every so often

5. Telling the other person continuously how much you love him/her



The best thing always, of course, is to work towards being together as early as possible .

[PWOW]

Nice thread.

IMHO, LDRs can break down either due to the partners

1. straying, or
2. tiring / losing interest.

Let's look at straying first:

If ethics is defined as placing duty and promise above temptation, then you're lucky in a LDR if both you and your partner are ethical. You've committed to someone that you are with him/her, and will not let the weaknesses of your flesh make you break your promise first.

If you are not ethical - either because you are inherently crooked or because your will is too weak - then it's harsh on your partner. But in the long run, he/she has been saved from someone who's unworthy.

As for the tiring / losing interest part:

A genuine problem. The best ways are:

1. Continuous interactions
2. Frequent physical meetings
3. Understanding what your partner is doing for you without him/her having to spell it out, and constantly appreciating that
4. Doing something special for your partner every so often
5. Telling the other person continuously how much you love him/her

The best thing always, of course, is to work towards being together as early as possible .

Are you in an LDR yourself? Are you dating anyone? You seem to know a lot about this stuff ...

[Portuguese Man-Of-War]

Who is PWOW?

[PWOW]

Who is PWOW?

I am not! So you dating someone? If not, I dont mind getting know you more.