finding meaning

[mark]

Why do you get out of bed in the morning? what stops you from jumping from the top floor of your office block? What supplies meaning in your life?

I've had a beautiful and terrible couple of weeks, my yearly dose of joy and pain seemed to come in the space of 10 days, now the source of that joy/pain is gone from my life, and i have to pick myself back up and carry on in a world that looks dull and lifeless. I hadn't realised how pointless my life up to this point has been until i had a glimpse of something better, a land of dreams and hope, of joy and freedom.

I've quit my job, i'll be leaving Hyderabad in a few weeks (i'm going to miss it desperately) and returning home after 3 years of being away. My time spent in Hyderabad was mainly sorting myself out, getting to know myself from a point of view of strengths and weaknesses, etc. I feel close to the past now, i can reconcile my decisions with my personality, and i have no regrets. The future however, is still a strange mystery to me, not only can I not see where i'm going, i've never known. I have no idea where i want to get to, what job i want to have, what type of life.

I need direction, I need ambition, I need a dream; but i have no idea how to go about dreaming up a meaningful dream, something which would make my life look compete and worthwhile in retrospect. I feel like accomplishing it would be difficult, but at the moment my issue is one of conception, rather than execution. What i'd love to do is write what i would see as the perfect obituary for myself, as though i had just died aged 70. I'd love to see my life as a closed book, a finished thing, so that i could return to page 24 and continue writing knowing that there is a story here, there's a good solid end to this book rather than a load of blank pages.

That's exactly what i feel like, I feel if i'm writing the story of my whole life right now, that i've developed writers block, that i don't know where it's going. I haven't known since I left college (and I didn't know before i left college either, but there i had exams and structure to guide me on into the mist)



So looking out into the mist of the future, the only milestone I can know about for sure is death. It's there, i can smell it, seeping everywhere ready to end the meaninglessness in a split second, while i'm waiting for the kettle to boil, or as i cross the road. This doesn't bother me, if i had hopes and dreams it might, but a 24 year long meaningless life is of equal value to a 80 year long meaningless life, without meaning the rest is just a matter of time.

I have a reasonably active imagination, but all i can see when i think about the future is the past reflected endlessly, condemned to make the same mistakes again and again, to do "as little as possible" as a defence mechanism, to dance to a song that was a hit before my mother was born.

I can feel the despair in my heart like an animal thing, the craving for a life with a person i can't have, the atheists search for truth and meaning in a world of darkness and smoke, the choking clawing hopelessness of being human.

I've been anesthetized my whole life, school and college all have such a sense of purpose about them, we're going to make you an adult, they say, with very little emphisis on the next step, becoming a human. In my heart I know I have the power to become a good person, a useful person, but i'm not entirely sure what that is.

I'm going to do volunteer work once i get home, probably in Ireland at first, but i think i'd like to come back to India in that way later on, once i'm ready for it. I don't know if this will add the meaning i'm looking for in life, but it definately can't hurt. I don't want to be a wage slave anymore, to quote fight club "working a job i hate to buy sh1t i don't need", and I won't do it again.



So that's me, i still don't know where I'm going, but i'm going to start searching for meaning properly, rather than hoping my ship will accidentally drift into port. The volunteer work for me will be like a compass, it may not help me find meaning, but it could help me find direction. The map of the past is clear as day to me, i'm content with my actions (they made me who i am),there is no map to the future, it is Terra Incognita, "Here be Dragons".

death is my destination, and as i travel to meet it i'm going to make sure that every moment i get to spend upon this earth is lived with humanity.

[CtrlAltDel]

whoops! that was deep!



centuries ago, Prince Siddhartha felt the same way, walked out of his 'job' (being trained to be a King) and started Buddhism

what r u planning mark???



i am sure u must have taken the decision after deep thot...so i wish u all the best in whatever u do!



we'd miss u too here (esp the "Film Nights" ). where ever u r in future, try to spend some time at the FHDB and keep us updated on what u r doing!



will definitely meet u b4 u leave town

[Jaszalcatraz]

Yeah we'd definetly miss you and your posts on "high times" and "nonsense".



All the best for whereever you go. We'll meet up before you leave....we've got some returning of Cds to do.

[akhilis2cool]

That was one helluva article mark bhai. Something similar is going thru mind too...

as jasz and and CAD have sadi we will miss ya.

so lets meet up once before u go

[ycr007]

That was one intense Post Man.

I Wish you the Very Best in Whatever path You Choose for the Future and I Hope that you'll Continue to keep posting here and May those Posts be akin to the "Confessions of a Talented Achiever".......

[The Jackal]

Whoa!!!!Nice post mark but shocking as well.Will definelty miss you here.As Jasz said,we could meet before you leave.

Good luck w/ your future.

[mark]

thanks guys, as you can see i'm a little messed up now emotionally, but the decision to quit is one i know to be correct. I wish I could stay in Hyd but leave my pointless, worthless piece of sh1t job.

[CtrlAltDel]

I wish I could stay in Hyd but leave my pointless, worthless piece of sh1t job.

i'd try for u in my company....but....its IT again

[Bimbette]

A 24 year old writing out of such despair is may I say, a little alarming. Everyone goes through phases when one feels rudderless in choppy waters. I wish someone could help you spiritually Mark.



Good Luck for the future!

[HH]

Farewell ... Mark! *****

Thank You For The Many Things You've Done
And For Making Our Lives So Bright
For Seeing Your Smiling Face Everyday
Always Brought Our Hearts Delight

You Went Above And Beyond The Call Of Duty
And A Part Of Our Family You Became
We Want You To Know How Much You're Loved
And Without You It Won't Be The Same

We Pray Gods Blessings On You Always
We Love You And Will Miss You Greatly ...

Visit:
http://www.brightcreationspoetry.com/farewell.php

*****... April Passed ... "No Fooling" From Your Side

... But Why This May "Tempest" Then ... You're 24 ... Age / Waist ... Just Add 18 ... Age / Waist ... Grow Restfully ... To 42 ... Age / Waist ... ... Noble Hyderabadi Hosts / Hostesses Can Help You ... SETTLE Comfortably ... In God's Own Country ... Heavenly Hyderabad ... Think / Rethink ... Be Happy Enrich Life!

[SeH]

Man at 24 u seem to speak philosophy. I seem to notice tat ppl in this wud miss u for sure, thou i've known u from the DB somewhere in my heart, i feel i'm missing you peronally. If a person like me cud feel so bad i cud imagine the pain the ppl in hyd wud feel whove know u in person............ All the best Mark... hope u find a meaning.... come wat may..jus keep us posted

[wisecrack]

Hey Mark. That was profound. In a way u just took the words right out of my mouth. I'm 21 and about to take up a job in one of those oh-so-numerous IT companies in Hyd...and I am not interested...I've always been interested in working for NGOs and such organisations. I dont have the courage to do that at the very beginning of my career.You on the other hand have had the courage to quit your job and join in helping make people's lives better. What else could be more satisfying and more rewarding than that?! Of course you could pursue writing too.. (thats if u want to!). So chuck worrying about "death at 70" and look towards the bright future thats waiting for u (Optimism sure helps! ). Wishing you tons of luck!And do keep posting!

[CtrlAltDel]

I'm 21 and about to take up a job in one of those oh-so-numerous IT companies in Hyd...and I am not interested...I've always been interested in working for NGOs and such organisations.

thats nice to know wisecrack......i wud advice u to follow your heart if u really want mental peace and job satisfaction. any NGO would gladly grab an educated person like you. u can start by teaching computers to poor school children/orphans....

[wisecrack]

Thanks CAD..Really hoping to do that! As for Mark,he reminds me of the shepherd in "The Alchemist".(nice book!)

[mark]

A 24 year old writing out of such despair is may I say, a little alarming. Everyone goes through phases when one feels rudderless in choppy waters. I wish someone could help you spiritually Mark.

Good Luck for the future!

trust me, i know. i scare myself when i re-read stuff i've written. i'm a lovesick puppy right now, and i guess that has me seeing the world through hell tinted glasses. i love life, i even enjoy the blackest of emotions i go through, because they're real, human feelings. i feel like an insect that has had to shed it's exoskeleton in order to grow. i'm vunerable right now, exposed, but it's a necessary development phase. it's all character building stuff, no doubt.



you have all helped me through a number of rough times here in Hyd, and i'll remember your friendship as we go our ways through life.





see ya on the boards, i ain't gone yet

[~akidna~]

Wow!you express what you feel so well.

I think everyone connected with what you wrote.

I am pretty directionless myself right now.

Have to decide alot of things and have a whole lot of convincing to do.

Anyway best of luck for your future.

And you aint gonna leave the boards just coz u leavin Hyd r ya?

[enigma]

I guess everyone on this planet is in exactly the same state of moral worth. People tend to do their best with whatever they have. We are doing the best you can with what you have by living the most correct life you know how to live. There is no more that we can do at this moment to be a better person. The world is a mishmash of cultures with different array of values and ideologies. I think the world cannot be saved on a global scale but it must be saved at the level of the individual. I can understand that one wants to do something which one likes and something that would benefit society but the society should be ready to accept the new metaphors. We need not beat our head on a rock. Its important that we solve our own interpersonal conflicts and problems first and the world would be ready to benefit from our solutions.



Its us who have to decide to be happy, whether or not our logical minds think it is rational to be happy. You do not have to strive every moment to be better than it is possible for you to be. Smile at yourself. You're OK.



A sense of purpose lures people into making such decisions. I think in each and every one of our lives, a time will come that we will have to make a hard decision like this.Nothing seems more brave to me than facing up to one's own identity. Today what seems to be right for us maynot hold good at a later stage of life.



For me life would be to take it one day at a time. I think striking the right balance is important. I want to set up an orphanage, but for that i need means to keep it running hence i cannot let go of what i am doing right now, whether, i like doing it or not. In the meantime i squeeze in time to visit old age homes and do charity work when i get any oppurtunity.That makes me happy in life.



Satifaction in life is a difficult recipe to get correct.

[HH]

...
For me life would be to take it one day at a time. I think striking the right balance is important. I want to set up an orphanage, but for that i need means to keep it running hence i cannot let go of what i am doing right now, whether, i like doing it or not. In the meantime i squeeze in time to visit old age homes and do charity work when i get any oppurtunity.That makes me happy in life.

Satifaction in life is a difficult recipe to get correct.

Thank You, "enigma"
For Your Noble Ideals & Deeds
Well Expressed & Inspiring
Life Is Like The "Razor's Edge" ... One Can Slice ... OR ... Get SLICED ... If One Is "Ever Restless & Never Restful" ... One May Wonder ... Ponder ... But Never WANDER! ...
Greetings!

[san]

Oh, don't cry like a baby! Common be a man. Go get her. Remember everythings fair in love and war

[HH]

*
THE RAZOR'S EDGE: Maugham, W. Somerset
One of the greatest books of non-fiction I have ever read and the one that had the most profound effect on me personally is "The Razor's Edge" by British playwright and author W. Somerset Maugham. For those of you who are unfamiliar with the novel, which was published in 1944, the story is set between WWI and WWII and follows a young American Maugham calls Larry Darrell as he embarks on a spiritual journey in search of God and the Absolute. High in the mountains of India he experiences Enlightenment.

**



W. SOMERSET MAUGHAM


***
Larry Darrell tells of his Awakening




"How grand the sight was that was displayed before me as the day broke in its splendour...I was ravished with the beauty of the world. I'd never known such exaltation and such a transcendent joy. I had a strange sensation, a tingling that arose in my feet and traveled up to my head, and I felt as though I were suddenly released from my body and as pure spirit partook of a loveliness I had never conceived. I had a sense that a knowledge more than human possessed me, so that everything that had been confused was clear and everything that had perplexed me was explained. I was so happy that it was pain and I struggled to release myself from it, for I felt that if it lasted a moment longer I should die; and yet it was such rapture that I was ready to die rather than forego it. How can I tell you what I felt? No words can tell the ecstasy of my bliss. When I came to myself I was exhausted and trembling"

Visit:

http://www.angelfire.com/electronic/awa ... cloud.html