This Ain't a Joke...But I'm not Sure where to post it.Nevertheless am posting it here:
This happened about a month or two ago near Lonavala,
and even though it sounds like something out of the
X Files or from Alfred Hitchcock Presents... it's real !
This guy drives from Mumbai to Pune and decides not
to take the new expressway as he wants to see the
scenery.The inevitable happens and when he reaches
the ghats his car breaks down - he's stranded miles
from nowhere. Having no choice he starts walking on
the side of the road, hoping to get a lift to the nearest
human habitation.
It's dark and raining and pretty soon he's wet and shivering.
The night rolls on and no car goes by, the monsoon rains
are so strong he can hardly see a few feet ahead of him.
Suddenly he sees a car coming towards him.
It slows and then stops next to him - without thinking the
guy opens the car's door and jumps in. Seated in the back,
he leans forward to thank the person who had saved him
when he realizes!There is nobody behind the wheel!!
Even though there's no one in the front seat and no
sound of any engine, the car starts moving slowly.
The guy looks at the road ahead and sees a curve
coming (remember, this is in the hills and there is a
steep, steep drop beyond the curve).
Scared almost to death he starts to pray, begging
the Lord for his life.He hasn't come out of shock, when
just before he hits the curve, a hand appears through
the window and moves the wheel!
The car makes the curve safely and continues on the
road to the next bend. The guy, now paralyzed in terror,
watches how the hand appears every time they are
before a curve and moves the steering wheel just
enough to get the car around each bend.
Finally, the guy sees lights ahead.Gathering his courage
he wrenches open the door of the silent, slowly moving car,
scrambles out and runs as hard as he can towards the lights.
It's a small town. Wet and in shock goes to a roadside dhaba,
which is open, and asks for a drink. They find some hooch
and give him a shot, he starts telling whoever is in the dhaba
about the horrible experience he's just been through.
A silence envelops everybody when they realize the guy
isn't drunk, and is really frightened he's crying and shaking.
So they give him more hooch and talk about what they should do,
whether to call the Cops or find a priest, or what.
But just then two guys (santa & banta) walk into the dhaba,
and one says to the other "Look, Banta that's the jerk
who got in the car when we were pushing it."
Humor...or something like it.
Moderator: The Moderator Team
LOVEMAKING TIPS FOR SENIOR CITIZENS
Put bifocals on. Double check that you're with the right partner.
Set alarm on your clock for 2 minutes ... in case you doze off in the middle.
Set the mood with lighting. Turn 'em ALL OFF!
Make sure you put 911 on your speed dial before you begin ... just in case!
Write partner's name on your hand in case you can't remember what to scream out at the end.
==========================================
A woman has had serious headaches for several years and has tried everything; been to several doctors and nothing has worked until one day she was having lunch with a friend who referred her to a hypnotist who, according to her friend "works wonders on anything".
The woman comes home from the hypnotist and tells her husband, "remember those headaches I have been having all of these years? Well, they are gone".
"No more headaches?!?" the husband asks, "What happened?"
His wife replies, "Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat 'I do not have a headache, I DO NOT have a headache. I DO NOT have a headache'. Believe it or not, it worked! The headaches are all gone".
The husband replies, "Well, that is wonderful."
His wife then says,"You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire in the bedroom these last several years. Why don't you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?"
The husband is unsure he wants to do that, but agrees to try it.
Following his appointment with the hypnotist, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom.
He rips off her clothes, puts her on the bed and says, "Don't move, I'll be right back."
He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps
on the bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before.
His wife says, "Boy that was wonderful!"
The husband says, "Don't move! I will be right back".
He goes back into the bathroom comes back a few minutes later for round 2 with his wife--even better than the first time.
The wife sits up and her head is spinning. "This is really great!"
Her husband again says, "Don't move, I'll be right back." with that he goes back in the bathroom.
This time his wife follows and sees him through the open crack in the door standing at the mirror and saying:
"She's not my wife. She's not my wife. She's NOT my wife!"
Put bifocals on. Double check that you're with the right partner.
Set alarm on your clock for 2 minutes ... in case you doze off in the middle.
Set the mood with lighting. Turn 'em ALL OFF!
Make sure you put 911 on your speed dial before you begin ... just in case!
Write partner's name on your hand in case you can't remember what to scream out at the end.
==========================================
A woman has had serious headaches for several years and has tried everything; been to several doctors and nothing has worked until one day she was having lunch with a friend who referred her to a hypnotist who, according to her friend "works wonders on anything".
The woman comes home from the hypnotist and tells her husband, "remember those headaches I have been having all of these years? Well, they are gone".
"No more headaches?!?" the husband asks, "What happened?"
His wife replies, "Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat 'I do not have a headache, I DO NOT have a headache. I DO NOT have a headache'. Believe it or not, it worked! The headaches are all gone".
The husband replies, "Well, that is wonderful."
His wife then says,"You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire in the bedroom these last several years. Why don't you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?"
The husband is unsure he wants to do that, but agrees to try it.
Following his appointment with the hypnotist, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom.
He rips off her clothes, puts her on the bed and says, "Don't move, I'll be right back."
He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps
on the bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before.
His wife says, "Boy that was wonderful!"
The husband says, "Don't move! I will be right back".
He goes back into the bathroom comes back a few minutes later for round 2 with his wife--even better than the first time.
The wife sits up and her head is spinning. "This is really great!"
Her husband again says, "Don't move, I'll be right back." with that he goes back in the bathroom.
This time his wife follows and sees him through the open crack in the door standing at the mirror and saying:
"She's not my wife. She's not my wife. She's NOT my wife!"
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CtrlAltDel - God!
- Posts: 14824
- Joined: Sat Jan 26, 2002 5:02 pm
- Location: by the Workshop
As the airliner pushed back from the gate, the flight attendant gave the passengers the usual information regarding seat belts etc. Finally, she said, "Now sit back and enjoy your trip while your captain, Judith Campbell and crew take you safely to your destination."
Joe sitting in the 8th row thought to himself, "Did hear her right - is the captain a woman? I think I better have scotch and soda."
When the attendants came by with drink cart, he said, "Did I understand you right? Is the captain a woman?"
"Yes," said the attendant, "In fact, this entire crew is female."
"My God," said Joe, "I'd better have two scotch and sodas. I don't know what to think of all those women up there in the cockpit."
"That's another thing," said the attendant, "We no longer call it the cockpit."
**************************
There's an Englishman, an Irishman & a Scotsman all talking about their teenage daughters.
The Englishman says, " I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day & I found a packet of cigarettes. I was really shocked as I didn't even know she smokes."
The Scotsman says, "That's nothing. I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day when I came across a full bottle of Vodka. I was really shocked as I didn't even know she drank."
With that the Irishman says, "Both of you have got nothing to worry about. I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day when I found a packet of condoms. I was really shocked. I didn't even know she had a c*ck."
Joe sitting in the 8th row thought to himself, "Did hear her right - is the captain a woman? I think I better have scotch and soda."
When the attendants came by with drink cart, he said, "Did I understand you right? Is the captain a woman?"
"Yes," said the attendant, "In fact, this entire crew is female."
"My God," said Joe, "I'd better have two scotch and sodas. I don't know what to think of all those women up there in the cockpit."
"That's another thing," said the attendant, "We no longer call it the cockpit."
**************************
There's an Englishman, an Irishman & a Scotsman all talking about their teenage daughters.
The Englishman says, " I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day & I found a packet of cigarettes. I was really shocked as I didn't even know she smokes."
The Scotsman says, "That's nothing. I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day when I came across a full bottle of Vodka. I was really shocked as I didn't even know she drank."
With that the Irishman says, "Both of you have got nothing to worry about. I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day when I found a packet of condoms. I was really shocked. I didn't even know she had a c*ck."
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CtrlAltDel - God!
- Posts: 14824
- Joined: Sat Jan 26, 2002 5:02 pm
- Location: by the Workshop
An Irishman's been at a pub all night drinking beer. The bartender finally says that the bar is closed. So he stands up to leave and falls flat on his face.
He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up.Once outside he stands up and falls flat on his face.
So he crawls home and at the door stands up and falls flat on his face. He crawls through the door and up the stairs. When he reaches his bed he tries one more time to stand up.
This time he falls right into bed and is sound asleep.
He awakens the next morning to his wife standing over him shouting at him. "So, you've been out drinking again!!"
"How did you know?" he asks.
"The pub called, you left your wheelchair there again."
He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up.Once outside he stands up and falls flat on his face.
So he crawls home and at the door stands up and falls flat on his face. He crawls through the door and up the stairs. When he reaches his bed he tries one more time to stand up.
This time he falls right into bed and is sound asleep.
He awakens the next morning to his wife standing over him shouting at him. "So, you've been out drinking again!!"
"How did you know?" he asks.
"The pub called, you left your wheelchair there again."
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ycr007 - Level 2 Deity
- Posts: 9334
- Joined: Tue Oct 12, 2004 10:50 pm
- Location: Hyderabad!!! Browser:Firefox
One day a drunk walked into a bar and ordered a gin and tonic. He drank half of it and poured the rest on the bartender.
The bartender got angry, grabbed the drunk by the collar, pulled him close to his face, and asked, "Why did you do that?"
The drunk said very apologetically, "I am so very sorry sir. Please forgive me. I can't help it. It's an illness I can't get rid of. I am so ashamed of it. How can I make it up to you?"
The bartender answered, "Haven't you seen anyone about this problem?"
The drunk replied, "I never thought of that. Maybe I will."
The bartender said, "Don't come back until you do get help," and the drunk left.
About three months later the drunk came back to the same bar, ordered another gin and tonic, drank half of it, and poured the rest of it on the bartender.
The bartender shouted, "I thought I told you not to come back until you got help!"
The drunk replied, "I did. Now I don't feel ashamed."
The bartender got angry, grabbed the drunk by the collar, pulled him close to his face, and asked, "Why did you do that?"
The drunk said very apologetically, "I am so very sorry sir. Please forgive me. I can't help it. It's an illness I can't get rid of. I am so ashamed of it. How can I make it up to you?"
The bartender answered, "Haven't you seen anyone about this problem?"
The drunk replied, "I never thought of that. Maybe I will."
The bartender said, "Don't come back until you do get help," and the drunk left.
About three months later the drunk came back to the same bar, ordered another gin and tonic, drank half of it, and poured the rest of it on the bartender.
The bartender shouted, "I thought I told you not to come back until you got help!"
The drunk replied, "I did. Now I don't feel ashamed."
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ycr007 - Level 2 Deity
- Posts: 9334
- Joined: Tue Oct 12, 2004 10:50 pm
- Location: Hyderabad!!! Browser:Firefox
What if the IT Industry start making films ?
Some future film titles will be like :---
1) Meri disk tumhare paas hai---Humara dil apke paas hai
2) Aao chat kare---Aao Pyar Kare
3) Programmer no.1---Coolie no.1
4) Mera naam developer---Mera naam joker
5) Java wale job le jayenge---Dilwale dulhaniya le jayenge
6) Hum aapke memory mein rahate hain---Hum aapke dil mein rahte hein
7) Do processor baarah terminal---Do aankhen Baraah Haat
Tera code chal gaya---Tera jadoo chal gaya
9) Har Din jo mail Karega---Har dil jho pyar karega
10) Network Ke Us Paar
11) Debugging koi Khel nahi---Pyar koi khel nahi
12) Jis Desh mein Bill(gates) rahata Hai---Jis desh mein ganga bahthi hai
13) Raju ban gaya MCSE---Raju ban gaya Gentleman
14) Client ek numbari, PROGRAMMER Dus Nambari
15) Login karo sajana---Pyar karo sajna
16) Naukar PC ka
17) DOWN to hona hi tha---Pyar tho hona hi tha
18) Partition (Deewar)
19) 1942 - A Bug Story---1942 - A love story
20) Kaho Na Virus Hai---Kaho naa pyar hai
21)dot-Company (Company)
22) Program Instruction Aur Method ---Pyar Ishq aur mohabbat
23)Crash Se Crash Tak (QSQT)
24) Haan Meine Bhi Debug Kiya Hai---Haan mene bhi pyar kiya hai
25) BugVadh
26)Logon (Lagaan)
27) Shaheed Hacker Singh---Shaheed bhagat singh
28) Hacker 420
29)Password De Ke Dekho---Dil deke dekho
30)Terminal Apna Login Paraya
31) Mr Network Lal---Mr.Natwarlal
32)Meine Debug Kiya---Meine pyar kiya
33)Terminal Sajake Rakhna---Doli sajake rakhna
34) Debuggers ki Rani Hackers ka Raja
35) Kyonki Mein Debug Nahin Karta---Kyonki mein joot nahi bholta
36) Phir Teri Perl-Script Yaad Aayi
37.)Server se --- Dil se
38.)Mission Virus---Mission kashmir
Some future film titles will be like :---
1) Meri disk tumhare paas hai---Humara dil apke paas hai
2) Aao chat kare---Aao Pyar Kare
3) Programmer no.1---Coolie no.1
4) Mera naam developer---Mera naam joker
5) Java wale job le jayenge---Dilwale dulhaniya le jayenge
6) Hum aapke memory mein rahate hain---Hum aapke dil mein rahte hein
7) Do processor baarah terminal---Do aankhen Baraah Haat
Tera code chal gaya---Tera jadoo chal gaya 9) Har Din jo mail Karega---Har dil jho pyar karega
10) Network Ke Us Paar
11) Debugging koi Khel nahi---Pyar koi khel nahi
12) Jis Desh mein Bill(gates) rahata Hai---Jis desh mein ganga bahthi hai
13) Raju ban gaya MCSE---Raju ban gaya Gentleman
14) Client ek numbari, PROGRAMMER Dus Nambari
15) Login karo sajana---Pyar karo sajna
16) Naukar PC ka
17) DOWN to hona hi tha---Pyar tho hona hi tha
18) Partition (Deewar)
19) 1942 - A Bug Story---1942 - A love story
20) Kaho Na Virus Hai---Kaho naa pyar hai
21)dot-Company (Company)
22) Program Instruction Aur Method ---Pyar Ishq aur mohabbat
23)Crash Se Crash Tak (QSQT)
24) Haan Meine Bhi Debug Kiya Hai---Haan mene bhi pyar kiya hai
25) BugVadh
26)Logon (Lagaan)
27) Shaheed Hacker Singh---Shaheed bhagat singh
28) Hacker 420
29)Password De Ke Dekho---Dil deke dekho
30)Terminal Apna Login Paraya
31) Mr Network Lal---Mr.Natwarlal
32)Meine Debug Kiya---Meine pyar kiya
33)Terminal Sajake Rakhna---Doli sajake rakhna
34) Debuggers ki Rani Hackers ka Raja
35) Kyonki Mein Debug Nahin Karta---Kyonki mein joot nahi bholta
36) Phir Teri Perl-Script Yaad Aayi
37.)Server se --- Dil se
38.)Mission Virus---Mission kashmir
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ycr007 - Level 2 Deity
- Posts: 9334
- Joined: Tue Oct 12, 2004 10:50 pm
- Location: Hyderabad!!! Browser:Firefox
Recently the father of physics made a visit to earth to watch a movie.
He watched a few mithun movies and had his head spinning. He was convinced that all his logic and laws in physics were just a huge pile of junk and apologised for everything he had done.
In the movie of Mithun, Newton was confused to such an extent that he went paranoid. Here are a few scenes:
1) Mithun has a Brain Tumor which, according to the doctors can't be cured and his death is imminent. In one of the! fights, our great Mithun is shot in the head. To everybody's surprise, the bullet passes through his ears taking away the tumor along with it and he is cured. Long Live Mithunda
2) In one of the movies, Mithun is confronted with 3 gangsters.Mithun has a gun but unfortunately only one bullet.
Guess, what he does.......
He holds a knife in his hand and throws at the middle gangster..& shoots the bullet towards the knife. The knife cuts the bullet into 2 pieces and kills both the gangsters on each side of the middle gangster & the knife kills the middle one.
3) Mithun is chased by a gangster. Mithun has a revolver but he has no
bullets in it. Guess, what he does. Nah not even in your remotest imaginations.
He waits for the gangster to shoot. As soon as the gangster shoots, Mithun
opens the bullet compartment of his revolver and catches the bullet.
Then, he closes the bullet compartment and fires his gun. Bang... And the
gangster dies....
This was too much for our Newton to take and he was completely shaken and he decided to go back. But he happened to see a Rajanikanth movie for one last time and thought that at least one movie will follow his theory of physics. The whole movie goes fine and Newton is happy that all in the world hasn't changed.
Oops not so fast.
The Climax finally arrives. Rajanikanth gets to know that the villain is on
the other side of a very high wall. So high that Rajanikanth can't jump even if he tries like one of those superman techniques that our heroes normally use. Rajanikanth has to desperately kill the villain because its the climax. (Newton dada is smiling since it is virtually impossible)..
Rajanikanth suddenly pulls two guns from his pocket (Probably a backup). He throws one gun in the air and when the gun has reached the height of the wall, he shoots at the trigger of the first gun in air, with his second gun. Now the first gun fires off and the villain is dead.
Newton commits Suicide
He watched a few mithun movies and had his head spinning. He was convinced that all his logic and laws in physics were just a huge pile of junk and apologised for everything he had done.
In the movie of Mithun, Newton was confused to such an extent that he went paranoid. Here are a few scenes:
1) Mithun has a Brain Tumor which, according to the doctors can't be cured and his death is imminent. In one of the! fights, our great Mithun is shot in the head. To everybody's surprise, the bullet passes through his ears taking away the tumor along with it and he is cured. Long Live Mithunda
2) In one of the movies, Mithun is confronted with 3 gangsters.Mithun has a gun but unfortunately only one bullet.
Guess, what he does.......
He holds a knife in his hand and throws at the middle gangster..& shoots the bullet towards the knife. The knife cuts the bullet into 2 pieces and kills both the gangsters on each side of the middle gangster & the knife kills the middle one.
3) Mithun is chased by a gangster. Mithun has a revolver but he has no
bullets in it. Guess, what he does. Nah not even in your remotest imaginations.
He waits for the gangster to shoot. As soon as the gangster shoots, Mithun
opens the bullet compartment of his revolver and catches the bullet.
Then, he closes the bullet compartment and fires his gun. Bang... And the
gangster dies....
This was too much for our Newton to take and he was completely shaken and he decided to go back. But he happened to see a Rajanikanth movie for one last time and thought that at least one movie will follow his theory of physics. The whole movie goes fine and Newton is happy that all in the world hasn't changed.
Oops not so fast.
The Climax finally arrives. Rajanikanth gets to know that the villain is on
the other side of a very high wall. So high that Rajanikanth can't jump even if he tries like one of those superman techniques that our heroes normally use. Rajanikanth has to desperately kill the villain because its the climax. (Newton dada is smiling since it is virtually impossible)..
Rajanikanth suddenly pulls two guns from his pocket (Probably a backup). He throws one gun in the air and when the gun has reached the height of the wall, he shoots at the trigger of the first gun in air, with his second gun. Now the first gun fires off and the villain is dead.
Newton commits Suicide
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ycr007Recently the father of p - Level 2 Deity
- Posts: 9334
- Joined: Tue Oct 12, 2004 10:50 pm
- Location: Hyderabad!!! Browser:Firefox
Awesome post YCR.Good one.I have to send this to my friends. 
Nom de dieu de putain de bordel de merde de saloperie de connard d'enculé de ta mère.:Merovingian,TMR
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Der Schakal - Level 1 Deity
- Posts: 6556
- Joined: Wed Apr 14, 2004 5:16 am
- Location: Lat 17° 22' 31N /Long 78° 28' 28E
Gr8 joke!
I posted dis one on a Martial Arts forum where I wuz the only Indian. They were sooooo shocked when I told them that the scenes were from actual movies!
I posted dis one on a Martial Arts forum where I wuz the only Indian. They were sooooo shocked when I told them that the scenes were from actual movies!
"Consequences, shmonsequences! So long as I'm rich!" - Daffy Duck.
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Sharjeel - Level 2 Lord
- Posts: 3851
- Joined: Mon Aug 23, 2004 8:09 pm
- Location: Hyderabadi in Nagpur (and vice-versa)
NEWS FLASH
The Republican National Committee announced today that the Republican Party is changing its emblem from an elephant to a condom.
They explained that the condom more clearly reflects the party's stance today, because a condom accepts inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives you a sense of security while you're getting screwed.
**********************************************************
Interesting things about Monica Lewinsky:
- Nobody would know about her if it weren't for Bill
- She sucks
- She blows
- She's bloated
- She's the focus of a huge legal battle
- She'll go down in a heartbeat
Who does she think she is, Microsoft Windows?
**********************************************************
FINALLY...
Reasons why Women find it hard to find the Man of their Dreams:
1.The nice men are ugly.
2.The handsome men are not nice.
3.The handsome and nice men are gay.
4.The handsome, nice and heterosexual men are married.
5.The men who are not so handsome, but are nice men, have no money
6.The men who are not so handsome, but are nice men with money think women are only after their money.
7. The handsome men without money are after the women's money.
8. The handsome men, who are not so nice and somewhat heterosexual, don't think most ladies are beautiful enough.
9. The men who think a girl is beautiful, that are heterosexual, somewhat nice and have money, are cowards.
10. The men who are somewhat handsome, somewhat nice and have some money and thank God are heterosexual, are shy and NEVER MAKE THE FIRST MOVE!!!!
11. The men who never make the first move, automatically lose interest in the ladies when ladies take the initiative.
The Republican National Committee announced today that the Republican Party is changing its emblem from an elephant to a condom.
They explained that the condom more clearly reflects the party's stance today, because a condom accepts inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives you a sense of security while you're getting screwed.
**********************************************************
Interesting things about Monica Lewinsky:
- Nobody would know about her if it weren't for Bill
- She sucks
- She blows
- She's bloated
- She's the focus of a huge legal battle
- She'll go down in a heartbeat
Who does she think she is, Microsoft Windows?
**********************************************************
FINALLY...
Reasons why Women find it hard to find the Man of their Dreams:
1.The nice men are ugly.
2.The handsome men are not nice.
3.The handsome and nice men are gay.
4.The handsome, nice and heterosexual men are married.
5.The men who are not so handsome, but are nice men, have no money
6.The men who are not so handsome, but are nice men with money think women are only after their money.
7. The handsome men without money are after the women's money.
8. The handsome men, who are not so nice and somewhat heterosexual, don't think most ladies are beautiful enough.
9. The men who think a girl is beautiful, that are heterosexual, somewhat nice and have money, are cowards.
10. The men who are somewhat handsome, somewhat nice and have some money and thank God are heterosexual, are shy and NEVER MAKE THE FIRST MOVE!!!!
11. The men who never make the first move, automatically lose interest in the ladies when ladies take the initiative.
:?some woman wrote:"Men are like a fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and it's our job, to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something you'd like to have dinner with."
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CtrlAltDel - God!
- Posts: 14824
- Joined: Sat Jan 26, 2002 5:02 pm
- Location: by the Workshop
There is a story about a popular young priest, who one sunday announces to the congregation that he will not renew his contract and is moving on to a larger congregation that will pay him more.
There is a hush. No one wants him to leave.
McClark, who owns several car dealerships,stands up and announces, "If the priest stays, I'll provide him with a new sedan every year, and his lovely wife with a mini van, to transport their children!"
The congregation sighs, and applauds.
Jefferson, the entrepreneur and investor stands and says, "If the priest stays, I'll double his salary, and establish a foundation to guarantee the college education of his children!!"
More sighs and applause.
Mrs.Cunningham, aged 70, stands and announces, "If the priest stays, I'll give him SEX!!"
There is a hush. The priest, blushing, asks, "Mrs.Cunningham, whatever possessed you to say that?"
Mrs.Cunningham answers, "I just asked My husband how we could help, and he said, F*ck the priest"
******************************
The married business executive had to make a trip to Palm Beach alone for his corporation. After a few days he was enjoying himself so much that he decided to stay another week as part of his vacation.
Wanting to share this newly discovered paradise, he wired his bachelor friend: "Take the next plane for a fun week on me. Bring my wife and your mistress."
His friend was quick to wire back: "Your wife and I arriving tomorrow 11:30 a.m. How long have you known about us?
******************************
While purchasing some condoms, the young man remarked with a smile, "I'm giving my girl a birthday present tonight."
"Yes, sir," smiled the drug clerk. Then he added, forcing a straight face, "Would you perhaps like these gift-wrapped?"
"That wouldn't make much sense," said the customer. "They are the gift wrapping."
******************************
There is a hush. No one wants him to leave.
McClark, who owns several car dealerships,stands up and announces, "If the priest stays, I'll provide him with a new sedan every year, and his lovely wife with a mini van, to transport their children!"
The congregation sighs, and applauds.
Jefferson, the entrepreneur and investor stands and says, "If the priest stays, I'll double his salary, and establish a foundation to guarantee the college education of his children!!"
More sighs and applause.
Mrs.Cunningham, aged 70, stands and announces, "If the priest stays, I'll give him SEX!!"
There is a hush. The priest, blushing, asks, "Mrs.Cunningham, whatever possessed you to say that?"
Mrs.Cunningham answers, "I just asked My husband how we could help, and he said, F*ck the priest"
******************************
The married business executive had to make a trip to Palm Beach alone for his corporation. After a few days he was enjoying himself so much that he decided to stay another week as part of his vacation.
Wanting to share this newly discovered paradise, he wired his bachelor friend: "Take the next plane for a fun week on me. Bring my wife and your mistress."
His friend was quick to wire back: "Your wife and I arriving tomorrow 11:30 a.m. How long have you known about us?
******************************
While purchasing some condoms, the young man remarked with a smile, "I'm giving my girl a birthday present tonight."
"Yes, sir," smiled the drug clerk. Then he added, forcing a straight face, "Would you perhaps like these gift-wrapped?"
"That wouldn't make much sense," said the customer. "They are the gift wrapping."
******************************
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CtrlAltDel - God!
- Posts: 14824
- Joined: Sat Jan 26, 2002 5:02 pm
- Location: by the Workshop
A New Zealander, a sheep, and a dog were survivors of a terrible shipwreck.
They found themselves stranded on a desert island. After being there a while, they got into the habit of going to the beach every evening to watch the sun set. One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance.
As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the Kiwi.
Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it.
But the dog got jealous, growling fiercely until the redneck took his arm from around the sheep.
After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.
A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck.
The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful woman the Kiwi had ever seen.
She was in a pretty bad way when they rescued her, and they slowly nursed her back to health.
When the young maiden was well enough, they introduced her to their evening beach ritual.
It was another beautiful evening - red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze - perfect for a night of romance.
Pretty soon, the Kiwi started to get "those feelings" again.
He fought them as long as he could, but he finally gave in and leaned over to the young woman, cautiously, and whispered in her ear ... "Would
you mind taking the dog for a walk?"
**********************************
Little Rebecca comes home from first grade and tells her father that they learned about the history of Christmas. "Since Christmas is for Christians will God get mad at me for giving a non-christian a Christmas card?
Rebecca's father thinks a bit, then says, "No, I don't think God would get mad. Who do you want to give a Christmas card to?"
"Osama Bin Laden," she says.
"Why Osama Bin Laden," her father asks in shock?
"Well", she says, "I thought that if a little American girl could have enough love to give Osama a card, he might start to think that maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit. And if other kids saw what I did and sent cards to Osama, he'd love everyone a lot. And then he'd start going all over the place to tell everyone how much he loved them and how he didn't hate anyone anymore."
Her father's heart swells and he looks at his daughter with newfound pride. "Rebecca, that's the most wonderful thing I've ever heard."
"I know," Rebecca says, "and once that gets him out in the open, the Marines could blow the shit out of him and send him back to hell where he belongs."
They found themselves stranded on a desert island. After being there a while, they got into the habit of going to the beach every evening to watch the sun set. One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance.
As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the Kiwi.
Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it.
But the dog got jealous, growling fiercely until the redneck took his arm from around the sheep.
After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.
A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck.
The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful woman the Kiwi had ever seen.
She was in a pretty bad way when they rescued her, and they slowly nursed her back to health.
When the young maiden was well enough, they introduced her to their evening beach ritual.
It was another beautiful evening - red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze - perfect for a night of romance.
Pretty soon, the Kiwi started to get "those feelings" again.
He fought them as long as he could, but he finally gave in and leaned over to the young woman, cautiously, and whispered in her ear ... "Would
you mind taking the dog for a walk?"
**********************************
Little Rebecca comes home from first grade and tells her father that they learned about the history of Christmas. "Since Christmas is for Christians will God get mad at me for giving a non-christian a Christmas card?
Rebecca's father thinks a bit, then says, "No, I don't think God would get mad. Who do you want to give a Christmas card to?"
"Osama Bin Laden," she says.
"Why Osama Bin Laden," her father asks in shock?
"Well", she says, "I thought that if a little American girl could have enough love to give Osama a card, he might start to think that maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit. And if other kids saw what I did and sent cards to Osama, he'd love everyone a lot. And then he'd start going all over the place to tell everyone how much he loved them and how he didn't hate anyone anymore."
Her father's heart swells and he looks at his daughter with newfound pride. "Rebecca, that's the most wonderful thing I've ever heard."
"I know," Rebecca says, "and once that gets him out in the open, the Marines could blow the shit out of him and send him back to hell where he belongs."
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CtrlAltDel - God!
- Posts: 14824
- Joined: Sat Jan 26, 2002 5:02 pm
- Location: by the Workshop
When is "F*ck" Acceptable?
There are only nine times in history where the "F" word has been considered acceptable for use.
They are as follows:
9. "What the F*ck do you mean, we are sinking?"
-- Capt. E.J. Smith of RMS Titanic, 1912
8. "What the F*ck was that?"
-- Mayor Of Hiroshima, 1945
7. "Any F*cking idiot could understand that."
-- Einstein, 1938
6. "How the F*ck did you work that out?"
-- Pythagoras, 126 BC
5. "How the F*ck did you work that out?"
-- Pythagoras, 126 BC
4. "You want WHAT on the F*cking ceiling?"
-- Michelangelo, 1566
3. "Scattered F*cking showers, my ass!"
-- Noah, 4314 BC
2. "Aw c'mon. Who the F*ck is going to find out?"
-- Bill Clinton, 1998
1. Geez, I didn't think they'd get this F*cking mad."
-- Saddam Hussein, 2003
****************
What's the difference between girls aged: 8, 18, 28, 38, 48, 58. 68, and 78?
At 8 -- You take her to bed and tell her a story.
At 18 -- You tell her a story and take her to bed.
At 28 -- You don't need to tell her a story to take her to bed.
At 38 -- She tells you a story and takes you to bed.
At 48 -- You tell her a story to avoid going to bed.
At 58 -- You stay in bed to avoid her story.
At 68 -- If you take her to bed, that'll be a story!
At 78 -- What story??? Who's bed??? Who the hell are you???
There are only nine times in history where the "F" word has been considered acceptable for use.
They are as follows:
9. "What the F*ck do you mean, we are sinking?"
-- Capt. E.J. Smith of RMS Titanic, 1912
8. "What the F*ck was that?"
-- Mayor Of Hiroshima, 1945
7. "Any F*cking idiot could understand that."
-- Einstein, 1938
6. "How the F*ck did you work that out?"
-- Pythagoras, 126 BC
5. "How the F*ck did you work that out?"
-- Pythagoras, 126 BC
4. "You want WHAT on the F*cking ceiling?"
-- Michelangelo, 1566
3. "Scattered F*cking showers, my ass!"
-- Noah, 4314 BC
2. "Aw c'mon. Who the F*ck is going to find out?"
-- Bill Clinton, 1998
1. Geez, I didn't think they'd get this F*cking mad."
-- Saddam Hussein, 2003
****************
What's the difference between girls aged: 8, 18, 28, 38, 48, 58. 68, and 78?
At 8 -- You take her to bed and tell her a story.
At 18 -- You tell her a story and take her to bed.
At 28 -- You don't need to tell her a story to take her to bed.
At 38 -- She tells you a story and takes you to bed.
At 48 -- You tell her a story to avoid going to bed.
At 58 -- You stay in bed to avoid her story.
At 68 -- If you take her to bed, that'll be a story!
At 78 -- What story??? Who's bed??? Who the hell are you???
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CtrlAltDel - God!
- Posts: 14824
- Joined: Sat Jan 26, 2002 5:02 pm
- Location: by the Workshop
bump....
A LESSON LEARNT!!!!!!
I was happy. My girlfriend and I were dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream!
There was only one thing bothering me, quite a lot indeed, and that was my sister-in-law to be. She was a career woman, smart, but most of all beautiful and sexy, who sometimes flirted with me, quite obviously too, and made me feel uncomfortable.
One day, she called me and asked me to come over, to check the invitations.
So I went. She was alone, and when I arrived, she whispered to me, that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. So before I got married and committed my life to her sister, she wanted to make love to me just once.
What could I say? I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. So, she said, I'll go to the bedroom, and if you are up for it, just come and get me. I just watched her delicious behind as she went up the stairs.
I stood there for a moment, and then turned around and went to the front door... I opened it, and stepped out of the house.
My future pa-in-law was standing outside, and with tears in his eyes, hugged me and said, "we are very happy and pleased; you have passed our little test. We couldn't have asked for a better man for my daughter. Welcome to the family."
Lesson learned: Always keep your condoms in your car.
***************************
Banta was a cricket fan whose face was always either buried in the sports pages or transfixed by the television screen. One night as he lay in bed next to his wife watching a day-night match, she got up, walked across the room and unplugged the TV.
"Oye," Banta shouted, "what do you think you are doing?"
"I'm sick of cricket, I'm sick of TV," she replied. "You haven't touched me in months. We're going to talk about sex right now!"
"OK, OK. So," he asked after a moment, "how often do you think Dravid has sex?"
A LESSON LEARNT!!!!!!
I was happy. My girlfriend and I were dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream!
There was only one thing bothering me, quite a lot indeed, and that was my sister-in-law to be. She was a career woman, smart, but most of all beautiful and sexy, who sometimes flirted with me, quite obviously too, and made me feel uncomfortable.
One day, she called me and asked me to come over, to check the invitations.
So I went. She was alone, and when I arrived, she whispered to me, that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. So before I got married and committed my life to her sister, she wanted to make love to me just once.
What could I say? I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. So, she said, I'll go to the bedroom, and if you are up for it, just come and get me. I just watched her delicious behind as she went up the stairs.
I stood there for a moment, and then turned around and went to the front door... I opened it, and stepped out of the house.
My future pa-in-law was standing outside, and with tears in his eyes, hugged me and said, "we are very happy and pleased; you have passed our little test. We couldn't have asked for a better man for my daughter. Welcome to the family."
Lesson learned: Always keep your condoms in your car.
***************************
Banta was a cricket fan whose face was always either buried in the sports pages or transfixed by the television screen. One night as he lay in bed next to his wife watching a day-night match, she got up, walked across the room and unplugged the TV.
"Oye," Banta shouted, "what do you think you are doing?"
"I'm sick of cricket, I'm sick of TV," she replied. "You haven't touched me in months. We're going to talk about sex right now!"
"OK, OK. So," he asked after a moment, "how often do you think Dravid has sex?"
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CtrlAltDel - God!
- Posts: 14824
- Joined: Sat Jan 26, 2002 5:02 pm
- Location: by the Workshop
GOD and SATAN
In the beginning God covered the earth with broccoli, cauliflower and spinach, combined with an abundance of green, yellow and red vegetables. He did this so that Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.
Then, using God's bountiful gifts, Satan created Chocolates and Ice cream. And Satan said: "You want hot fudge with that ?" And Man said: "Yes!" And Woman said: "I'll have one, too...with sprinkles." And lo and behold they gained 10 pounds.
And God created the healthful yogurt that Woman might keep the figure that Man found so fair. And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat and sugar from the cane , and combined them. And Woman went from size 2 to size 14.
So God said: "Try my fresh green garden salad." And Satan presented crumbled Cheese dressing and garlic toast on the side. And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.
God then said: "I have sent you heart-healthy vegetables and olive oil in which to cook them." And Satan brought forth deep-fried banana chips, butter-dipped lobster chunks, and fried chicken so big it needed its own platter. And Man's cholesterol went through the roof.
Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming with potassium and good nutrition. Then Satan peeled off the healthful skin, sliced the starchy centre into chips and deep-fried them in animal fats, adding copious quantities of salt. And Man packed on more pounds.
God then brought forth running shoes so that his children might lose those extra pounds. And Satan introduced cable TV with remote control so Man would not have to toil changing the channels. And Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering light and started wearing stretchy lycra jogging suits.
God then gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite. And Satan created McDonald's and the 99-cent double cheeseburger. Then Satan said: "You want fries with that?" And
Man replied: "Yes! And super size them!" And Satan said: "It is good."
And Man and Woman went into cardiac arrest. God sighed...and created quadruple by-pass surgery. Satan chuckled and created Medical Insurance!!
In the beginning God covered the earth with broccoli, cauliflower and spinach, combined with an abundance of green, yellow and red vegetables. He did this so that Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.
Then, using God's bountiful gifts, Satan created Chocolates and Ice cream. And Satan said: "You want hot fudge with that ?" And Man said: "Yes!" And Woman said: "I'll have one, too...with sprinkles." And lo and behold they gained 10 pounds.
And God created the healthful yogurt that Woman might keep the figure that Man found so fair. And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat and sugar from the cane , and combined them. And Woman went from size 2 to size 14.
So God said: "Try my fresh green garden salad." And Satan presented crumbled Cheese dressing and garlic toast on the side. And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.
God then said: "I have sent you heart-healthy vegetables and olive oil in which to cook them." And Satan brought forth deep-fried banana chips, butter-dipped lobster chunks, and fried chicken so big it needed its own platter. And Man's cholesterol went through the roof.
Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming with potassium and good nutrition. Then Satan peeled off the healthful skin, sliced the starchy centre into chips and deep-fried them in animal fats, adding copious quantities of salt. And Man packed on more pounds.
God then brought forth running shoes so that his children might lose those extra pounds. And Satan introduced cable TV with remote control so Man would not have to toil changing the channels. And Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering light and started wearing stretchy lycra jogging suits.
God then gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite. And Satan created McDonald's and the 99-cent double cheeseburger. Then Satan said: "You want fries with that?" And
Man replied: "Yes! And super size them!" And Satan said: "It is good."
And Man and Woman went into cardiac arrest. God sighed...and created quadruple by-pass surgery. Satan chuckled and created Medical Insurance!!
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CtrlAltDel - God!
- Posts: 14824
- Joined: Sat Jan 26, 2002 5:02 pm
- Location: by the Workshop
CtrlAltDel wrote:GOD and SATAN
In the beginning God covered the earth with broccoli, cauliflower and spinach, combined with an abundance of green, yellow and red vegetables. He did this so that Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.
Then, using God's bountiful gifts, Satan created Chocolates and Ice cream. And Satan said: "You want hot fudge with that ?" And Man said: "Yes!" And Woman said: "I'll have one, too...with sprinkles." And lo and behold they gained 10 pounds.
And God created the healthful yogurt that Woman might keep the figure that Man found so fair. And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat and sugar from the cane , and combined them. And Woman went from size 2 to size 14.
So God said: "Try my fresh green garden salad." And Satan presented crumbled Cheese dressing and garlic toast on the side. And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.
God then said: "I have sent you heart-healthy vegetables and olive oil in which to cook them." And Satan brought forth deep-fried banana chips, butter-dipped lobster chunks, and fried chicken so big it needed its own platter. And Man's cholesterol went through the roof.
Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming with potassium and good nutrition. Then Satan peeled off the healthful skin, sliced the starchy centre into chips and deep-fried them in animal fats, adding copious quantities of salt. And Man packed on more pounds.
God then brought forth running shoes so that his children might lose those extra pounds. And Satan introduced cable TV with remote control so Man would not have to toil changing the channels. And Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering light and started wearing stretchy lycra jogging suits.
God then gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite. And Satan created McDonald's and the 99-cent double cheeseburger. Then Satan said: "You want fries with that?" And
Man replied: "Yes! And super size them!" And Satan said: "It is good."
And Man and Woman went into cardiac arrest. God sighed...and created quadruple by-pass surgery. Satan chuckled and created Medical Insurance!!
personally, i reckon, the russians are greater than God and satan... they introduced us to vodka, and the mexicans, for tequila, italians, for pizza and all the others, for thing i did and did not mention.
The ultimate
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lizard king - Level 2 Lord
- Posts: 3882
- Joined: Wed Aug 04, 2004 11:41 am
what abt over own good old toddy 
People are crazy, at times are strange. I am locked-in tight, I am out of range.
I used to care, but things have changed.
I used to care, but things have changed.
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akhilis2cool - God!
- Posts: 11476
- Joined: Sat Apr 03, 2004 1:43 pm
- Location: Camp Swampy
akhilis2cool wrote:what abt over own good old toddy
ya, but i am not drinking it now, if i were to be, i would have thanked the toddy and the tappers too.
hold on let me shake another cocktail while u are here.
The ultimate
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lizard king - Level 2 Lord
- Posts: 3882
- Joined: Wed Aug 04, 2004 11:41 am
A priest was driving along and saw a nun on the side of the road. He stopped and offered her a lift which she accepted. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to open and reveal a lovely leg. The priest had a look and nearly had an accident.
After controlling the car, he stealthfully slid his hand up her leg. The nun looked at him and immediately said, "Father, remember psalm 129?"
The priest was flustered and apologized profusely. He forced himself to remove his hand. However, he was unable to remove his eyes from her leg.
Further on while changing gear, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again Said, "Father, remember psalm 129?" Once again the priest apologized. "Sorry sister, but the flesh is weak."
Arriving at the convent, the nun got out, gave him a meaningful glance, and went on her way.
On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to retrieve a bible and looked up psalm 129. It Said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."
MORAL OF THE STORY: Always be well informed in your job, or you might miss a great opportunity!
A wedding occurred just outside Cavan in Ireland.
To keep tradition going, everyone gets extremely drunk and the bride's and groom's families have a storming row and begin wrecking the reception room and generally kicking the shit out of each other. The police get called in to break up the fight.
The following week, all members of both families appear in court. The fight continues in the courtroom until the judge finally brings calm with the use of his gavel, shouting, 'Silence in court!'
The courtroom goes silent and Paddy, the best man, stands up and says,
'Judge, I was the best man at the wedding and I think I should explain what happened.'
The judge agrees and asks Paddy to take the stand. Paddy begins his explanation by telling the court that it is traditional in a Cavan wedding that the best man gets the first dance with the bride.
The judge says, 'OK.'
'Well,' said Paddy, 'after I had finished the first dance, the music kept going, so I continued dancing to the second song, and after that the music kept going and I was dancing to the third song, when all of a sudden the groom leapt over the table, ran towards us and gave the bride an unmerciful kick right between her legs.'
Shocked, the judge instantly responded, 'God, that must have hurt!'
'Hurt?' Paddy replies. 'He broke three of my fingers!'
An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman are all to give speaches to the Deaf Society. All are keen to make an impression on their audience.
The Englishman goes first and to the surprise of his colleagues starts by rubbing first his chest and then his groin. When he finishes the Scotsman and Irishman ask him what he was doing.
Well" he explained" By rubbing my chest I indicated breasts and thus Ladies and by rubbing my groin I indicated balls and thus Gentlemen. So my speech started Ladies and Gentlemen".
On his way up to the podium the Scotsman thought to himself I'll go one better than that English bastard and started his speech by making an antler symbol with his fingers above his head before also rubbing his chest and his groin.
When he finished his colleagues asked what he was doing. "Well" he explained" By imitating antlers and then rubbing my chest and groin I was starting my speech by saying Dear Ladies and Gentlemen".
On his way up to the podium the Irishman thought to himself I'll go one further than those mainland bastards and started his speech by making an antler symbol above his head, rubbing his chest, and then his groin, and then masturbating furiously.
When he finished his colleagues asked him what he was doing. "Well" he explained," by imitating antlers, rubbing my chest and then my groin and then masturbating I was starting my speech by saying -
Dear Ladies and Gentlemen, it gives me great pleasure......."
After controlling the car, he stealthfully slid his hand up her leg. The nun looked at him and immediately said, "Father, remember psalm 129?"
The priest was flustered and apologized profusely. He forced himself to remove his hand. However, he was unable to remove his eyes from her leg.
Further on while changing gear, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again Said, "Father, remember psalm 129?" Once again the priest apologized. "Sorry sister, but the flesh is weak."
Arriving at the convent, the nun got out, gave him a meaningful glance, and went on her way.
On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to retrieve a bible and looked up psalm 129. It Said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."
MORAL OF THE STORY: Always be well informed in your job, or you might miss a great opportunity!
A wedding occurred just outside Cavan in Ireland.
To keep tradition going, everyone gets extremely drunk and the bride's and groom's families have a storming row and begin wrecking the reception room and generally kicking the shit out of each other. The police get called in to break up the fight.
The following week, all members of both families appear in court. The fight continues in the courtroom until the judge finally brings calm with the use of his gavel, shouting, 'Silence in court!'
The courtroom goes silent and Paddy, the best man, stands up and says,
'Judge, I was the best man at the wedding and I think I should explain what happened.'
The judge agrees and asks Paddy to take the stand. Paddy begins his explanation by telling the court that it is traditional in a Cavan wedding that the best man gets the first dance with the bride.
The judge says, 'OK.'
'Well,' said Paddy, 'after I had finished the first dance, the music kept going, so I continued dancing to the second song, and after that the music kept going and I was dancing to the third song, when all of a sudden the groom leapt over the table, ran towards us and gave the bride an unmerciful kick right between her legs.'
Shocked, the judge instantly responded, 'God, that must have hurt!'
'Hurt?' Paddy replies. 'He broke three of my fingers!'
An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman are all to give speaches to the Deaf Society. All are keen to make an impression on their audience.
The Englishman goes first and to the surprise of his colleagues starts by rubbing first his chest and then his groin. When he finishes the Scotsman and Irishman ask him what he was doing.
Well" he explained" By rubbing my chest I indicated breasts and thus Ladies and by rubbing my groin I indicated balls and thus Gentlemen. So my speech started Ladies and Gentlemen".
On his way up to the podium the Scotsman thought to himself I'll go one better than that English bastard and started his speech by making an antler symbol with his fingers above his head before also rubbing his chest and his groin.
When he finished his colleagues asked what he was doing. "Well" he explained" By imitating antlers and then rubbing my chest and groin I was starting my speech by saying Dear Ladies and Gentlemen".
On his way up to the podium the Irishman thought to himself I'll go one further than those mainland bastards and started his speech by making an antler symbol above his head, rubbing his chest, and then his groin, and then masturbating furiously.
When he finished his colleagues asked him what he was doing. "Well" he explained," by imitating antlers, rubbing my chest and then my groin and then masturbating I was starting my speech by saying -
Dear Ladies and Gentlemen, it gives me great pleasure......."
In un foro nella terra, viva un hobbit
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Habitual Perfectionist - Level 1 Lord
- Posts: 2527
- Joined: Sat Dec 06, 2003 4:28 am
- Location: Omnipresent
Jane was a first time contestant on the $65,000 quiz show, where you have to answer questions to win the cash prize.
Lady luck had smiled in her favor, as Jane had a gained substantial lead over her opponents. She even managed to win the game, but unfortunately, time had run out before the show's host could ask her the big question. Needless to say, Jane agreed to return the following day. Jane was nervous and fidgety as her husband drove them home.
"I've just gotta win tomorrow. I wish I knew what the answers are. You know I'm not going to sleep at all tonight. I will probably look like garbage tomorrow!"
"Relax, honey," her husband, Roger, reassured her. "It will all be OK."
Ten minutes after they arrived home, Roger grabbed the car keys and started heading out the door.
"Where are you going?" Jane asked.
"I have a little errand to run. I should be back soon" he replied.
Jane waited impatiently for Roger's return. After an agonizing 3 hour absence, Roger returned, sporting a very wide and wicked grin. "Honey, I managed to get tomorrow's question and answer!"
"What is it?" she cried excitedly.
"OK. The question is: 'What are the three main parts of the male anatomy?'
And the answer is 'The head, the heart, and the penis.'"
Shortly after that, the couple went to sleep with Jane, now feeling confident and at ease, plummeting into a deep and restful slumber. At 3:30 in the morning, however, Jane was shaken awake by Roger, who was asking her the quiz show question.
"The head, the heart, and the penis," Jane replied groggily before returning to sleep.
And Roger asked her again in the morning, this time as Jane was brushing her teeth. Once again, Jane replied correctly. So it was that Jane was once again on the set of the quiz show. Even though she knew the question and answer, she could feel the butterflies conquering her stomach and nervousness running through her veins.
The cameras began running and the host, after reminding the audience
of the previous days events, faced Jane and asked the big question.
"Jane, for $65,000, what are the main parts of the male anatomy? You have 10 seconds."
"Hmm, uhm, the head?" she said nervously. "Very good.
Six seconds." "Eh, uh, the heart?" "Very good! Four seconds."
"I, uhh, ooooooohh, darn! My husband drilled it into me last night and I had it on the tip of my tongue this morning..."
"That's close enough," said the game show host, "CONGRATULATIONS!!"
A Indian boy goes to his mother one day with a puzzled look on his face.
"Say Mom, why is my bigger brother named Mighty Storm"?
"Because he was conceived during a mighty storm", she said.
Then he asked "Why is my sister named Cornflower"?
"Well your father and I were in a cornfield when we made her", she replied.
He then asked "And why is my other sister called Moonchild"?
"We were watching the moon-landing when she was conceived", the mother replies.
The mother paused and said to her son...
"Tell me, Torn Rubber, why are you so curious"
Ancient History Explained...
A team of archaeologists found a slab of rock with 5 figures carved on it, in order:
A Woman, A Donkey, A Shovel, A Fish, A Star of David.
After months of study, the leader took the rock and went on a lecture tour. He said the carvings were thousands of years old but even so, they revealed a lot about the people of that time.
The woman being placed first in the line of figures showed that women were held in very high esteem - most likely a family oriented culture.
They probably used the donkey to till the fields.
The shovel shows they were highly intelligent as they knew how to make tools.
The fish shows they knew how to augment the crops they raised by also reaping from the sea.
The Star of David of course indicates they were a very religious group of people.
A little old man in the front row finally got the attention of the speaker.
When acknowledged he said, "I'm sorry to blow your conclusions but you were reading it left to right. In Hebrew we read from right to left.
That way it reads, "Holy Mackerel, Dig the Ass on that Chick!"
Lady luck had smiled in her favor, as Jane had a gained substantial lead over her opponents. She even managed to win the game, but unfortunately, time had run out before the show's host could ask her the big question. Needless to say, Jane agreed to return the following day. Jane was nervous and fidgety as her husband drove them home.
"I've just gotta win tomorrow. I wish I knew what the answers are. You know I'm not going to sleep at all tonight. I will probably look like garbage tomorrow!"
"Relax, honey," her husband, Roger, reassured her. "It will all be OK."
Ten minutes after they arrived home, Roger grabbed the car keys and started heading out the door.
"Where are you going?" Jane asked.
"I have a little errand to run. I should be back soon" he replied.
Jane waited impatiently for Roger's return. After an agonizing 3 hour absence, Roger returned, sporting a very wide and wicked grin. "Honey, I managed to get tomorrow's question and answer!"
"What is it?" she cried excitedly.
"OK. The question is: 'What are the three main parts of the male anatomy?'
And the answer is 'The head, the heart, and the penis.'"
Shortly after that, the couple went to sleep with Jane, now feeling confident and at ease, plummeting into a deep and restful slumber. At 3:30 in the morning, however, Jane was shaken awake by Roger, who was asking her the quiz show question.
"The head, the heart, and the penis," Jane replied groggily before returning to sleep.
And Roger asked her again in the morning, this time as Jane was brushing her teeth. Once again, Jane replied correctly. So it was that Jane was once again on the set of the quiz show. Even though she knew the question and answer, she could feel the butterflies conquering her stomach and nervousness running through her veins.
The cameras began running and the host, after reminding the audience
of the previous days events, faced Jane and asked the big question.
"Jane, for $65,000, what are the main parts of the male anatomy? You have 10 seconds."
"Hmm, uhm, the head?" she said nervously. "Very good.
Six seconds." "Eh, uh, the heart?" "Very good! Four seconds."
"I, uhh, ooooooohh, darn! My husband drilled it into me last night and I had it on the tip of my tongue this morning..."
"That's close enough," said the game show host, "CONGRATULATIONS!!"
A Indian boy goes to his mother one day with a puzzled look on his face.
"Say Mom, why is my bigger brother named Mighty Storm"?
"Because he was conceived during a mighty storm", she said.
Then he asked "Why is my sister named Cornflower"?
"Well your father and I were in a cornfield when we made her", she replied.
He then asked "And why is my other sister called Moonchild"?
"We were watching the moon-landing when she was conceived", the mother replies.
The mother paused and said to her son...
"Tell me, Torn Rubber, why are you so curious"
Ancient History Explained...
A team of archaeologists found a slab of rock with 5 figures carved on it, in order:
A Woman, A Donkey, A Shovel, A Fish, A Star of David.
After months of study, the leader took the rock and went on a lecture tour. He said the carvings were thousands of years old but even so, they revealed a lot about the people of that time.
The woman being placed first in the line of figures showed that women were held in very high esteem - most likely a family oriented culture.
They probably used the donkey to till the fields.
The shovel shows they were highly intelligent as they knew how to make tools.
The fish shows they knew how to augment the crops they raised by also reaping from the sea.
The Star of David of course indicates they were a very religious group of people.
A little old man in the front row finally got the attention of the speaker.
When acknowledged he said, "I'm sorry to blow your conclusions but you were reading it left to right. In Hebrew we read from right to left.
That way it reads, "Holy Mackerel, Dig the Ass on that Chick!"
In un foro nella terra, viva un hobbit
-
Habitual Perfectionist - Level 1 Lord
- Posts: 2527
- Joined: Sat Dec 06, 2003 4:28 am
- Location: Omnipresent
Let's face it - English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple.
English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.
We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham?
If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices? Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend?
If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it? If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?
Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship?Have noses that run and feet that smell? How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?
You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which an alarm goes off by going on. English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race (which, of course, isn't a race at all). That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.
English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.
We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham?
If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices? Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend?
If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it? If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?
Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship?Have noses that run and feet that smell? How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?
You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which an alarm goes off by going on. English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race (which, of course, isn't a race at all). That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.
In un foro nella terra, viva un hobbit
-
Habitual Perfectionist - Level 1 Lord
- Posts: 2527
- Joined: Sat Dec 06, 2003 4:28 am
- Location: Omnipresent
An Amish lady is trotting down the road in her horse and buggy when she is pulled over by a cop.
"Ma'am," said the cop, "I'm not going to ticket you, but I do have to issue you a warning. You have a broken reflector on your buggy."
"Oh, I'll let my husband, Jacob, know as soon as I get home," responded the Amish lady.
"That's fine. Another thing, ma'am. I don't like the way that one rein loops across the horse's back and around one of his testicles. I consider that animal abuse. Have your husband take care of that right away!" instructed the cop.
Later that day, the lady is home telling her husband about her encounter with the cop.
"Well, dear, what exactly did he say?" asked Jacob.
"He said the reflector is broken," replied the lady.
"I can fix that in two minutes. What else?" wondered Jacob.
"I'm not sure, Jacob... something about the emergency brake"...
"Ma'am," said the cop, "I'm not going to ticket you, but I do have to issue you a warning. You have a broken reflector on your buggy."
"Oh, I'll let my husband, Jacob, know as soon as I get home," responded the Amish lady.
"That's fine. Another thing, ma'am. I don't like the way that one rein loops across the horse's back and around one of his testicles. I consider that animal abuse. Have your husband take care of that right away!" instructed the cop.
Later that day, the lady is home telling her husband about her encounter with the cop.
"Well, dear, what exactly did he say?" asked Jacob.
"He said the reflector is broken," replied the lady.
"I can fix that in two minutes. What else?" wondered Jacob.
"I'm not sure, Jacob... something about the emergency brake"...
In un foro nella terra, viva un hobbit
-
Habitual Perfectionist - Level 1 Lord
- Posts: 2527
- Joined: Sat Dec 06, 2003 4:28 am
- Location: Omnipresent
Two good ol' boys, Bubba and Junior get promoted from Privates to Sergeants.
Not long after, they're out for a walk and Bubba says, "Hey, Junior - there's the NCO Club. Let's you and me stop in and have us a drank."
"But we's privates," protests Junior.
"NO, we's sergeants now," says Bubba, pulling him inside
"Now, Junior, I'm gonna sit down and have me a drank."
"But, we's privates," says Junior.
"You blind, boy!" says Bubba, pointing at his stripes. "We's Sergeants now!"
So they order their drinks and pretty soon a hooker comes up to Bubba.
"You're cute," she says, "and I'd like to take you someplace and make you feel good -- but I've got a bad case of gonorrhea."
Bubba pulls his friend to the side and whispers, "Junior, go look in the dictionary and see what that gonorrhea means. If it's good, give me the okay sign."
Junior goes to look it up, comes back, and gives Bubba the big okay sign.
Three weeks later Bubba is laid up in the infirmary with a terrible case of gonorrhea.
"Junior," he says, "What you give me the okay for?!"
"Well Bubba, in the dictionary, it says gonorrhea only affects the privates."
Then he pointed to his stripes and says, "But we's Sergeants now!
Not long after, they're out for a walk and Bubba says, "Hey, Junior - there's the NCO Club. Let's you and me stop in and have us a drank."
"But we's privates," protests Junior.
"NO, we's sergeants now," says Bubba, pulling him inside
"Now, Junior, I'm gonna sit down and have me a drank."
"But, we's privates," says Junior.
"You blind, boy!" says Bubba, pointing at his stripes. "We's Sergeants now!"
So they order their drinks and pretty soon a hooker comes up to Bubba.
"You're cute," she says, "and I'd like to take you someplace and make you feel good -- but I've got a bad case of gonorrhea."
Bubba pulls his friend to the side and whispers, "Junior, go look in the dictionary and see what that gonorrhea means. If it's good, give me the okay sign."
Junior goes to look it up, comes back, and gives Bubba the big okay sign.
Three weeks later Bubba is laid up in the infirmary with a terrible case of gonorrhea.
"Junior," he says, "What you give me the okay for?!"
"Well Bubba, in the dictionary, it says gonorrhea only affects the privates."
Then he pointed to his stripes and says, "But we's Sergeants now!
In un foro nella terra, viva un hobbit
-
Habitual Perfectionist - Level 1 Lord
- Posts: 2527
- Joined: Sat Dec 06, 2003 4:28 am
- Location: Omnipresent
A man was walking one day, when he came to this big house in a nice
neighborhood. Suddenly he realized there was a couple making love out
on the lawn. Then he noticed another couple over behind a tree. Then
another couple behind some bushes by the house.
He walked up to the door of the house, and knocked. A well dressed woman answered the door,
and the man asked what kind of a place this was. "This is a brothel" replied the madam.
"Well, what's all this out on the lawn?" queried the man.
"Oh, we're having a yard sale today."
neighborhood. Suddenly he realized there was a couple making love out
on the lawn. Then he noticed another couple over behind a tree. Then
another couple behind some bushes by the house.
He walked up to the door of the house, and knocked. A well dressed woman answered the door,
and the man asked what kind of a place this was. "This is a brothel" replied the madam.
"Well, what's all this out on the lawn?" queried the man.
"Oh, we're having a yard sale today."
-
ycr007 - Level 2 Deity
- Posts: 9334
- Joined: Tue Oct 12, 2004 10:50 pm
- Location: Hyderabad!!! Browser:Firefox
The men of Charlie Company had been in the field for two weeks
when the Sarge announces, "I've got good news and bad news.
First the good news. Today we're going to change our underwear."
The troops start cheering wildly.
"Now the bad news," continues the Sarge. "Smith, you change with Jones. Andrews, you change with Murphy..."
when the Sarge announces, "I've got good news and bad news.
First the good news. Today we're going to change our underwear."
The troops start cheering wildly.
"Now the bad news," continues the Sarge. "Smith, you change with Jones. Andrews, you change with Murphy..."
-
ycr007 - Level 2 Deity
- Posts: 9334
- Joined: Tue Oct 12, 2004 10:50 pm
- Location: Hyderabad!!! Browser:Firefox
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