My Job Application !!!

[Max]

NAME: MAX



DESIRED POSITION: Reclining. Ha ha. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.



DESIRED SALARY: $500,000 a month plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.



EDUCATION: Yes.



LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle-management hostility.



SALARY: Less than I'm worth.



MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.



REASON FOR LEAVING: It was lousy.



HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.



PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.



DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.



MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?



DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?



DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be, "Do you have a car that runs?"



HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearinghouse Sweepstakes.



DO YOU SMOKE?: Only when set on fire.



WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in Bimini with a fabulously wealthy supermodel who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.



DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: No, but I dare you to prove otherwise.



SIGN HERE:

Libra rising to Scorpio.

[fn]

awesome MAX



very soon i'll be having such a resume

[DRS]

lmfao tat was awesome!!!

[Max]

Resume Mistakes

"Here are my qualifications for you to overlook."



"Education: College, August 1880-May 1984."



"Work Experience: Dealing with customers' conflicts that arouse."



"Develop and recommend an annual operating expense fudget."



"I'm a rabid typist."



"Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain operation."

[Max]

Reasons for Leaving your Previous Job:





"Responsibility makes me nervous."





"They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 every morning. Couldn't work under those conditions."





"Note: Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as 'job-hopping'. I have never quit a job."





"Was met with a string of broken promises and lies, as well as cockroaches."





"I was working for my mom until she decided to move."





"The company made me a scapegoat - just like my three previous employers."

[Max]

Personal Qualities





"I'm married with 9 children. I don't require prescription drugs."





"I am extremely loyal to my present firm, so please don't let them know of my immediate availability."





"Number of dependents: 40."





"Marital Status: Often. Children: Various."





"I was proud to win the Gregg Typting Award."

[Max]

Special Requests





"Please call me after 5:30 because I am self-employed and my employer does not know I am looking for another job."