The Mother-of-all-Joke-Collections!!!

by **Court Jester** » Mon Jan 13, 2003 5:28 pm

How many times has it happened that you failed to recollect a good joke at an
after-dinner sitting? Or how many times did your joke fall flat on its face
because you messed up the punch line?! 
 Well, do not despair, my friend. This thread, once it gains popularity, will soon be a
repository of the funniest jokes around. But I need everybody\'s help to make this
the best and the biggest collection of jokes there ever was. So come ye all and drop
your joke/jokes here for all to have a good laugh.

 

Make no mistake (sorry Mr Bush!!) laughter is indeed the best medicine... And
after all those tense, pitched
battles fought here, its time for some respite...!!! 

 To kick off, here\'s my contribution;
what could be more appropriate then the funniest joke of the year: 

 
In a project described as the largest-ever scientific study into humor, the
British Association for the Advancement of Science asked Internet users around
the world to submit their favorite jokes in 2002 and also rate the funniness of other
people’s offerings. More than 40,000 jokes from 70 countries and 2 million
critiques later, this is it:
 
 
A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls
to the ground. He doesn’t seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his
head.
 “The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services.
He gasps to the operator: ‘My friend is dead! What can I do?’

 
 

 “The operator, in a calm, soothing
voice, says: ’Just take it easy. I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.’
“There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy’s voice comes back on the line. He
says: ‘OK, now what?”’

by **HiNa** » Tue Jan 14, 2003 10:58 am

In a kindergarten classroom a teacher is trying to teach young four year olds to name the flavors of the different candies.She icks up one candy and asks Jason to name the flavor, He recognises it by saying its orange.Then she asks another kid and he replies correctly by saying lemon.When the teacher picks up the third piece of candy and asks Pat what the flavor is he does\'nt seem to recognise.The teacher tries hard to give the child hints but the kid does\'nt get it.Finally the teacher says to the kid \"O.K Pat let me tell you something \"what does your mom call your dad at home when she passes him in the hallway or talks to him? All of a sudden the child seems very happy and he replies,\"Oh!now I know the answer its \"_\".

by **Court Jester** » Tue Jan 14, 2003 11:12 am

Nice one Hina..!! What about the rest??? hey c\'mon now guys n gals...dont tell me u cant tickle the funny bone..I know that HYDbadis have a great sense of humour..so get going fellas and let those funnies trickle in...Meanwhile, check another one out...

 A man takes his wife hunting, and impresses on her again and again that \"If you shoot a deer, don\'t let someone else claim that they shot it. If you killed it... it\'s your deer..get it? YOUR DEER!\"

 So ... he\'s in his stand hardly for 10 minutes when he hears his wife shooting nearby. He rushes over to her stand to find her pointing her gun at a man who is loudly disclaiming…

 \"It\'s your deer lady. It\'s your deer... Just lemme get my saddle off it!!!!\"

by **Kishore** » Tue Jan 14, 2003 4:31 pm

First year students at Med School were receiving their first anatomy class
with a real dead human body. They all gathered around the surgery table
with the body covered with a white sheet. The professor began the lecture
by telling them, \"In medicine, it is necessary to possess two important
qualities as a doctor; the first is that you not be disgusted by anything
involving the human body.\" To illustrate, he pulled back the sheet, stuck
his finger in the anus of the corpse, withdrew it, and stuck it in his
mouth. \"Go ahead and do the same thing,\" he told his students. The
students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took
turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead body and sucking on it. 

When everyone finished, the professor looked at them and said, \"The second
most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and
sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention.\"

by **zohaibs xtacy** » Tue Jan 14, 2003 6:30 pm

A recently divorced woman is walking along the beach when she finds a magic lamp on the shore. She rubs the lamp and out pops a genie.

The genie notices her anger and as a consolation gives her three wishes. But, he cautions that he will give her ex-husband ten times the amount of whatever she wishes. The woman is steaming mad but she makes her first wish.

The first wish was for a billion dollars. The genie grants her wish and reminds her that her husband got 10 billion dollars.

The woman can barely contain her anger when she makes her second wish. The second wish was for a beautiful mansion. In an instant it was granted, but the genie reminds her again that her ex-husband now owns ten. Upon hearing this, the woman takes her time to contemplate her last wish. The genie warns her that her ex-husband will get ten times what she wishes for.

\"No problem,\" said the woman as she grinned in ecstasy. \"For my last wish, I’d like to give birth to twins.\"

by **zohaibs xtacy** » Tue Jan 14, 2003 6:33 pm

Sardar went to the appliance store sale and found a
bargain. \"I would like to buy this small TV,\" he told the
salesman.
\"Sorry, we don\'t sell to SARDARs,\" he replied.
He hurried home removed his turban and changed his
hair style, then came back and again told the salesman.
\"I would like to buy this TV.\"
\"Sorry, we don\'t sell to Sardars,\" Salesman replied.
\"Dam, he recognized me,\" he thought. he went for a complete disguise this time, haircut and new hair color, new outfit, big
sunglasses, then waited a few days before he again approached the salesman. \"I would like to buy this TV.\"

\"Sorry, we don\'t sell to Sardars,\" he replied.
Frustrated, he exclaimed \"How do you know I\'m a Sardar?\"
\"Because that\'s a microwave,\" he replied.

by **zohaibs xtacy** » Tue Jan 14, 2003 6:36 pm

Once a Sardarji was travelling on a train. He felt sleepy so he gave the guy sitting opposite him on the train 20 rupees to wake
him up when the station arrived. This guy was a barber, and he felt that for 20 rupees, the sardarji deserved more service. So, when the Sardarji fell asleep, the barber quietly shaved off his beard. When the station arrived, the Sardarji was woken up, and he went home. Reaching home, he went to wash his face, and suddenly screamed when he saw the mirror. Said his wife \" What\'s the matter?\" Replied he \"The cheat on the train has taken my 20 rupees and woken
up someone else\"

by **What\'s in a name!** » Tue Jan 14, 2003 8:43 pm

#1 What\'s the definition of mixed emotions?
When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.

#2
It was George the Mailman\'s last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.

When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who roundly and soundly congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope.

At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door and up the stairs to the bedroom for a good time!!!
After which they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee.

As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup\'s bottom edge. \"All this was just too wonderful for words,\" he said, \"but what\'s the dollar for?\"

\"Well,\" she said, \"last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you.

\"He said, \'Screw him. Give him a dollar.\' The breakfast was my idea.\"

#3 This married business executive had to make a trip to Palm Beach alone for his corporation.

After a few days he was enjoying himself so much that he decided to stay another week as part of his vacation.

Wanting to share this newly discovered paradise, he wired his bachelor friend: \"Take next plane for fun week on me. Bring my wife and your mistress.\"

His friend was quick to wire back, \"Your wife and I arriving tomorrow 11.30 a.m. How long have you known about us?\"

by **what\'s in a name!** » Tue Jan 14, 2003 8:51 pm

A wife asks her husband, \"Honey, if I died, would you re-marry?\"

“After a considerable period of grieving, I guess I would,” he replies after hesitating for a moment. “We all need companionship.\"

\"If I died and you re-married,\" the wife asks, \"would she live in this house?\"

\"We\'ve spent a lot of money getting this house just the way
we want it. I\'m not going to get rid of my house. I guess she would!\"

\"If I died and you re-married, and she lived in this house,\" the moaning wife asks, \"would she sleep in our bed?\"

\"Well, the bed is brand new, and it cost us $2,000. It\'s going to last a long time, so I guess she would.\"

\"If I died and you re-married, and she lived in this house and slept in our bed, would she use my golf clubs?\"

\"Oh, no,\" the husband replies. \"She\'s left-handed.\"

by **what\'s in a name!** » Tue Jan 14, 2003 8:56 pm

A doctor and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast.

\"You aren\'t so good in bed either!\" he shouted and stormed off to work.

By midmorning, he decided he\'d better make amends and phoned home. After many rings, his wife picked up the phone. \"What took you so long to answer?\"

\"I was in bed,\" she said.

\"What were you doing in bed this late?\"

\"Getting a second opinion.\"

by **what\'s in a name!** » Tue Jan 14, 2003 9:09 pm

What are a woman\'s four favourite animals?
A Jaguar in the garage,a Mink to wear,a Tiger in bed and an Ass to pay for all of the above.

by D » Wed Jan 15, 2003 12:04 am

A sardar came out of his house, wearing his turban ulta. A friend of his, another sardar, was passing by, noticed it and asked him,\"Arre Balwinder ! Tu aa raha hai yah jaa raha hai?!!\"

by **Hina** » Wed Jan 15, 2003 11:21 am

Once a chinese, a japanese and a sardarji were sitting in sauna.After a few minutes the sardarji hears a beep and sees the chinese guy pull out his sophisticated cellphone and communicate.He feels very backward. Then after a little while longer he hears another sound and sees the japanese guy open his laptop and work on it.He feels really upset, gets out of the sauna and walks to the mens room.He comes out of the bathroom with a lot of toilet paper hanging from his butt.Upon seeing this the other two guys try to point this to the sardarji.The sardarji replies \"oh,I know I\'m just recieving a fax\".

by **Court Jester** » Wed Jan 15, 2003 1:17 pm

A very shy guy goes into TDS and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, \"Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for
a while?\" To which she responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, \"No, I won\'t sleep with you tonight!\" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.

After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, \"I\'m sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I\'m a graduate student in psychology at St. Ann\'s and I\'m studying how people respond
to embarrassing situations.\"
To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, \"Rs. 200? That\'s it?!\"

by **Court Jester** » Wed Jan 15, 2003 2:33 pm

WAY TO GO PEOPLE!!! C\'MON OTHERS... LET\'S SEE THOSE FUNNIES POURING IN...

by **what\'s in a name!** » Wed Jan 15, 2003 8:58 pm

#1 A man praying to God said,
\"God, why did you make women so pretty?\"
and God said ,\"So you would love them.”
And the man said,
\"But why did you make them so dumb?”
and God said, \"So they would love you!”

#2 A wife arrived home from a shopping trip and was shocked to find her husband in bed with a lovely young woman.

Just as she was about to storm out of the house, her husband called out, \"Perhaps you should hear how all this came about. . .

\"I was driving home on the highway when I saw this young woman looking tired and bedraggled. I brought her home and made her a meal from the roast beef you had forgotten about in the fridge.

\"She was barefooted so I gave her your good sandals which you had discarded because they had gone out of style.

\"She was cold so I gave her the sweater which I bought for you for your birthday but you never wore because the color didn\'t suit you. Her pants were torn, so I gave her a pair of your jeans, which were perfectly good, but too small for you now.

\"Then, just as she was about to leave, she asked, \'Is there anything else your wife doesn\'t use anymore?\'\"

by **what\'s in a name!** » Wed Jan 15, 2003 9:02 pm

This guy finally buys the motorcycle he\'s been saving up for. It\'s used but in good shape. \"The only problem\", says the previous owner, \"is the gas tank leaks when it rains\".

So he told him to just smear Vaseline around the tank lid if it rained, to seal it. That night he takes his girl for a ride and she takes him to her parents house for dinner. She warns him that the parents have been fighting all week over who will do the dishes tonight, and decided that the first person to say a word at the dinner table had to do the dishes.

Knowing this, they both decided not to say a word. They finished eating, and he couldn\'t stand the silence so decided to have some fun. He picked his girl up, set her on the table, and fooled around with her right there!

Well, the father just about blew his top, but he didn\'t say a word.

So our young hero decides to push his luck. He reached over, picked up the mother and fooled around with her right on the table in front of everyone.

Ol\' pops is about to blow a gasket now, but doesn\'t say a word.

Just then, the dinner guest looks out the window and notices that it\'s raining. He quickly reaches in his pocket and pulls out the Vaseline; the father stands up and yells, \"Okay, I\'ll do the dishes!\"

by **what\'s in a name!** » Wed Jan 15, 2003 9:12 pm

This useful tool is commonly found in the range of 8 inches long, the functioning of which is enjoyed by members of both sexes. It is usually found hung, dangling loosely, ready for instant action. It boasts of a clump of little hairy things at one end and a small hole at the other.

In use, it is inserted, almost always willingly, sometimes slowly, sometimes quickly, into a warm, fleshy, moist opening where it is thrust in and drawn out again and again many times in succession, often quickly and accompanied by squirming bodily movements.

Anyone found listening in will most surely recognize the rhythmic, pulsing sound, resulting from the well lubricated movements. When finally withdrawn, it leaves behind a juicy, frothy, sticky white substance, some of which will need cleaning from the outer surfaces of the opening and some from its long glistening shaft.

After everything is done and the flowing and cleansing liquids have ceased emmanating, it is returned to its freely hanging state of rest, ready for yet another bit of action, hopefully reaching its bristling climax twice or three times a day, but often much less.
Ah yes, such are the characteristics of one\'s toothbrush!

by **what\'s in a name!** » Wed Jan 15, 2003 9:38 pm

YOMAMA!!!!!!
YOMAMA is so ugly she walked into a haunted house and walked out with a job application!
YOMAMA is so stupid she tripped on a cordless phone!
YOMAMA is so dumb she went to a drive by shooting with a knife!
YOMAMA is so fat I got breathless by the time I went around her once.
YOMAMA is so sick,she bought a bag of chips(lays),stood by the corner of the street and yelled\"free lays\"
YOMAMA is so dumb she thought menopause was a button on the VCR!
YOMAMA is so fat,when she fell over she rocked herself to sleep trying to get up again!
YOMAMA is so fat when God said \'let there be light\' He said \'move\'!
YOMAMA is so fat that\'s the reason there is night and day!

by RP » Thu Jan 16, 2003 11:27 pm

Wah !! Kya baath hai ! Ek se budkar ek !

by **Court Jester** » Sun Jan 19, 2003 3:04 pm

Ek se badkar ek indeed!! Kya hua logo? cmon..we still got a lot to go...and i know HYD can do better than that chilkan jokes anyone?blonde jokes?sardar jokes? kahan hain bhaiiii sab logan?ok here\'s one more...
 
Two elderly gentlemen, who had been without sex for several years, decided they needed to visit a cat-house. When they arrived, the madam took one look at them and decided she wasn\'t going to waste any of her girls on these two old men. So she used \"blow-up\" dolls instead. She put the dolls in each man\'s room and left them to their business.
 After the two men were finished, they started for home and got to talking. The first man said, \"I think the girl I had was dead. She never moved, talked, or even groaned . . . how was it for you?\" The second man replied, \"I think mine was a witch.\"The first man asked, \"How\'s that?\"

 \"Well,\" said the second man, \"when I nibbled on her breast, she farted, then flew out the window.\"
 hahahahahahahahahah

by **Shaik** » Sun Jan 19, 2003 4:06 pm

Lebanese Mom: Mrs. Lahoud comes to visit her son Samir for 3 days in London where he is studying. She finds out that her son lives with Vikki, a girl roommate. Mrs. Lahoud couldn\'t help but notice how pretty Samir\'s roommate was. She suspects of a relationship between the two, and this had only made her mour curious. Reading his mom\'s thouhts, Samir volunterred, \"I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Vikki and I are just roommates\". About a week later, Vikki came to Samir saying, \"Ever since your mother left, I\'ve been unable to find the silver sugarbowl. You don\'t suppose she took it do you? \"Well, I doubt it, but I\'ll email her, just to be sure\". So he sat down and wrote. Dear Mother: I\'m not sayng that you \"did\" take the sugar bowl from my house. I\'m not saying that you \"did not\" take it. But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you left back to Beirut. Love Samir. Several days later, Samir received an email from his Mother which read: Dear Son: I\'m not saying that you \"do\" sleep with Vikki, and I\'m not saying that you \"do not\" sleep with her. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the sugar bowl by now. Love Mom. Lessor of the day... Don\'t Lie To Your Mother.

by **Shaad-Aabaad** » Tue Jan 21, 2003 4:18 pm

1) “A man and a friend are playing golf one day. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. “He stops in midswing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. His friend says: ‘Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You are truly a kind man.’

 “The man then replies: ‘Yeah, well, we were married 35 years.’”

 2) \"Two weasels are sitting on a bar stool. One starts to insult the other one. He screams, ‘I slept with your mother!’ “The bar gets quiet as everyone listens to see what the other weasel will do. “The first again yells, ‘I slept with your mother!’

 “The other says: ‘Go home dad, you’re drunk.”’

by **sania** » Tue Jan 21, 2003 4:36 pm

Just after Santa got married, he was invited out for a night with the friends.
So Santa told his wife, Jeeto that he would be home by midnight.
Well, the hours passed and the beer was going down way too easy, so at around 2.30 AM Santa was drunk as a skunk, and headed for home.
After about half an hour just as Santa got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up, and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly he realized she`d probably wake up, so he cuckooed another 9 times. Santa was really proud of himself, having a quick witty solution, even when smashed.
Next morning his wife, Jeeto asked him what time he got in and he told her 12 o`clock.
She didn`t seem disturbed at all. Whew! Got away with that one! She then told him that they needed a new cuckoo clock.
When Santa asked her why, Jeeto said, \"Well, it cuckooed 3 times, said `oh crap,` cuckooed 4 more times, cleared it`s throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more and then farted.\"

by Ki » Tue Jan 21, 2003 4:59 pm

It was early spring in British Columbia…..

A Frenchman hired three Indians to do some tracking for him while he hunted bear…

A few hours into the trip through the mountains they came upon a cave and all stopped…

One of the Indians steps forward and yells, \"WOO…WOOO\"… There was a similar response from in the cave… He then tore all his clothes off and ran into the cave…

Another couple of hours goes by… Another cave… They all stop… The second Indian yells \"WOO…WOOO\"… And again \"woo…wooo\" was heard from the cave… He rips off his clothes and darts into the cave…

Now the Frenchman was very curious and asks…\"What da devil is going on???\"
The third Indian explains…\"It Indian mating season…when you give mating call and it returned mean available female in cave.\"

A little while later…a third cave…a third call…a third response…The clothes are off…the Indian is gone.

\"Well dare ain\'t gonna be no huntin now\" the Frenchman thinks to himself. So…along the trail the Frenchman sees a big cave and… \"WOO…WOOO\"………..No response \"WOO…WOOO\"…Hesitation…Then \"woo…wooooo\" From in the cave… The Frenchman rips off all his clothes and runs full speed into the cave…

The next day in the Vancover Times………………………headlines read

NAKED FRENCHMAN KILLED BY TRAIN

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