Humor...or something like it.

[dude]

you shouldn't have read this!!

[Jaszalcatraz]

OMG..i cant believe that I just did.

[Stingrae]

abuh......ok...i dint read that....



A mother was standing in the kitchen when she notices her son timmy is heading for the front gate, she cuts him off and say "timmy where are you going?" and timmy replies "im going to the Brothel"

The mother replies "Timmy a brothel is no place for little boys now go and play with your toys" so timmy goes of to play with his toys

Minuts later the mother sees her son heading to the gate agian,

"Timmy"! "where are you going?" "To the Brothel" the mother smacks timmy and says "Timmy iv told you the brothel is no place for boys no go to your room"

"Alright then" timmy replies "dad can get his own f*cking Hat!"

[Stingrae]

There was this duck that walked into a bar and sat down in a stool and the bartender said, "Can I help you?"



The duck said, "quack, quack, quack, got any raisins?"



The bartender said, "NO! This is a bar and we don't sell raisins."



The duck walked out and then he came in the next day and sat in the very same stool!



The bartender walked over and asked him if he could help him? The duck said, "quack, quack, quack, got any raisins?"



The bartender said, "NO this is a BAR we don't sell raisins!" So the duck walked out again and left.



He came back the next day and sat in the same stool once again! The duck yelled at the bartender, "quack, quack, quack, got any raisins?"



The bartender said, "NO. And if you come back here once more I am gonna nail your webbed feet to the ground and you are gonna die there."The duck said, "ok", and left.



The next day came and sure enough the duck came back except he only peeped his head inside the door. He said, "quack, quack, got any nails?" The bartender replied, "No!"



The duck said "Good, then you got any raisins?"





ROTFLMAO!!!!!!

[azazel]

Corporate Lesson 2:



Usually the staff of the company play football. The middle level managers

are more interested in Tennis. The top management usually has a preference for Golf. As you go up the corporate ladder, the balls reduce in size !!!

[CtrlAltDel]

An American tourist travelling by train in India is "blessed" with our Santa Singh for company. they introduce themselves and suddenly Santa asks "Are u Chinese?". Surprised, the american says "No, I am from the USA".



a couple of hours later when the AMerican was having his dinner, Santa asks again "Are u Chinese?". The American says "No, I told u, i am frm the USA".



few more hours later the American is trying to sleep. Santa creeps up to him and asks "Are u Chinese?". The annoyed american replys "Excuse me, i thot i already told u i am from the USA."



3am. All are fast asleep. Santa frantically wakes up the AMerican, who sits up with a jolt. Santa whispers: "Are u Chinese?". The American is really pissed off by now. he drags Banta to the door of the coach, pushes him out of the running train and goes back to sleep.



5am. the american is woken up by a pounding on the window from outside the train. confused, he open the shutters to see Santa hanging outside by the window bars, with bloodied face. Santa gasps and asks "Are u Chinese?"



the American really loses it now and starts jumping up n down screaming "Yes, I am Chinese, Yes, I am Chinese, Yes I am Chinese..."



Banta looks at him and says "But u dont look like one..."

[CtrlAltDel]

Banta looks at him and says ...

sorry that reads: "Santa looks at him and says...."

[CtrlAltDel]

Mandela, Bill Clinton and Michael Jackson are travelling in a plane with a bunch of school boys. The plane suddenly has engine trouble and the pilots advises all to jump to safety using the emergency parachutes.

they find that they are one parachute short..

Mandela says "These young boys have their whole life ahead of them. I can let any one of them die. I'll gladly stay in the plane".

Clinton grabs a 'chute n exclaims "Ah..F**k the children..."

than, Michael Jackson whispers, "Do we have the time for it...?"

[azazel]

A ship goes out to sea and sinks in a storm. Six people (5 men and 1 woman) survive by using a raft to float to a deserted island. After spending several weeks on the island, they all begin to get really lonely; extremely horny. They all come to an agreement: each man will marry the woman for a week. The first man has her for one week, then the

second man has her for the second week, and so on. Everyone will now be getting their needs filled. This goes on for two years and everyone is

happy with the plan.. Each man gets sex every fifth week and the woman gets a great variety of delights. A few weeks into the third year, the woman suddenly dies. Needless to say, the first week is pretty bad, the

second week is worse, the third week it's nearly unbearable, the fourth week things are bad beyond words. The fifth week it is just awful. In fact it's getting so bad that on the sixth week.... They bury her.

[Mayavi Morpheus]

Another ship joke.

This ship goes to sea and sinks in a storm. The ship has people of different nationalitis on board - two dutch men and one women, two Italian guys and a italian girl, two french men and a madame, two american guys and a girl, two germans guys and girl, two indian guys and one indian girl.

They all jump into the water and swim to the nearest uninhabited island.

After few days they start feeling horny and approach the ladies.

The Italians look at the lady and decide that they can get better females in Italy and jump into the sea and start swimming back to Italy.

The dutch men toss a coin and the winner keeps the girl and loser goes into the forest.

The french compromise and both sleep with the girl.

One of the Americans shoots the other and keeps the girl.

The germans dont like sharing one girl so they turn gay and leave the girl.

And the Indians....

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V



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The Indians wait for someone to come and introduce them to the girl.

[Imran]

, "Idhar aa madar**** idhar
aa". Shikari dar dar ke gaya. Sher ne kaha "abe bho*** ke too
yanha shikar karne aata hai ki ga*** maraane"?

..Tell me ..who waz the Shikari.....

[gods_gift2_mankind]

One day a farmer tries on a brand new state of the art cow's milking machine on himself....



he attaches it... experiences pleasure for about 10 minutes and then realizes he can't take any more of it.



he tries to detach the device from his body but finds that it is stuck there.

he panics... tries frantically for another 15 minutes and then resorts to the manual as the final Oracle...



He convulses with shock as he reads what the manual says.

It says - Automatic release after 2 litres!!

[Mayavi Morpheus]

From a strictly mathematical viewpoint it goes like this:



What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?



Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If:



A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented as:



1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.



Then:



H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K = 8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

and



K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E = 11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%



But,



A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E=1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%



And,

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T = 2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%



AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.



A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G = 1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%



So, one can then conclude with mathematical certainty that While Hard work and knowledge will get you close, and, Attitude will get you there,

Bullshit and Ass kissing will put you over the top!!!

[azazel]

A sales rep, an administration clerk and the manager are walking to lunch

when

they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out in a puff

of smoke.

The Genie says, I usually only grant three wishes, so I'll give each of you

just 1 !!!



Me first ! Me first ! says the admin clerk." I want to be in the Bahamas,

driving a

speedboat, without a care in the world ! "

Pppoooffff . . . . . !!! She's gone !!!



In astonishment," Me next ! Me next ! " says the sales rep. " I want to be

in Hawaii,

relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of pina

coladas and the love of my life! "

Pppoooffff . . . . . !!! She's gone !!!



The Genie says to the manager " OK. You are next "

The manager says," I want those two back in the office, after lunch ! "



Moral of story: Always let your boss have the first say!

[rock_26iin]

Ok i posted this once before but anyway:



SEX LIFE OF AN ELECTRON



One night when his charge was at full capacity, Micro Farad decided to get a cute little coil to discharge him. He picked up Millie Amp and took her for a ride on his megacycle. They rode across the wheat stone

bridge, around the sine wave, and into the magnetic field next to the flowing current.



Micro Farad, attracted by Millie's characteristic curve, soon had her field fully excited. He laid her on the ground potential, raised her frequency, lowered her resistance, and pulled out his high voltage probe. He inserted it in parallel and began to short circuit her shunt.Fully excited, Millie cried out, "ohm, ohm,give me mho". With his tube at maximum output and her

coil vibrating from the current flow, her shunt soon reached maximum heat. The excessive current had shorted her shunt, and Micro's capacity was rapidly discharged, and every electron was drained off. They fluxed all night, tried various connections and hookings until his bar magnet had lost all of its strength, and he could no longer generate enough voltage to sustain his collapsing field. With his battery fully discharged, Micro was unable to excite his tickler, so they ended up reversing polarity and blowing each other's fuses.

[rock_26iin]

Dump your girlfriend, Go for a cup of coffee instead.....



A cup of Coffee never talks back at you

A cup of Coffee looks good even in the mornings

You'll never fall asleep after having a cup of coffee

Warming a cup of Coffee takes less efforts

Warming cup of Coffee is also much less cheaper

A cup of Coffee is out of your system by next morning

You can take even a black coffee to meet your parents

You can make a cup of Coffee as sweet as you want



Coffee tastes good even when it is absolutely cold

Coffee strains are easier to remove

Coffee is invariably ready in fifteen minutes or less

Coffee does not mind being grounded any time

You can easily reject a horrible cup of coffee



Coffee does not occupy half of your bed

Police does not question you for loitering with Coffee

You can easily order fresh Coffee

Your cup of Coffee does not get jealous of another cup

No matter how much your IQ, you can always get coffee

If you put chocolate in Coffee, it does not put on weight

All can love coffee at the same time

Coffee shall not take you to courts

[rock_26iin]

A man met a beautiful girl and she agreed to spend the night with him for $500. So, they spent the night together. In the morning, before he left, he told the girl that he did not have any cash with him, but that he would have his secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling the payment "Rent for Apartment."

On the way to the office, he regretted what he had done, realizing that the whole event was not worth the price. So, he sent a check for $250 and enclosed a note:



"Dear Madam: Enclosed you will find a check in the amount of $250 for rent of your apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon because when I rented the apartment, I was under the impression that:

1. It had never been occupied;

2. There was plenty of heat;

3. It was small enough to make me cozy and at home.

Last night, however, I found out that it had been previously occupied, that there wasn't any heat, and that it was entirely too large."

Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately sent back the following reply:

"Dear Sir: First of all, I cannot understand how you expect such a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely. As for the heat, there is plenty of it if you know how to turn it on. Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size, but if you don't have enough furniture to fill it, please don't blame the landlord.

[CtrlAltDel]

A man who smelled like a distillery flopped on a subway seat next

to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.



He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the dishevelled guy turned to the priest and asked, "Say, Father, what causes arthritis?"



"Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man."



"Well, I'll be damned," the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.



The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong.

How long have you had arthritis?"



"I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."

[azazel]

so, the Pope's got arthritis.. ppl get him to stop smokin' dope



Ek baar class main inspection hoti hai.. Headmaster sahib aate hai.......
Sawaal karna shuru!
Headmaster: "Bacho Hamari body ka sabse naram part konsa hai"?
Jab koi jawab nahin deta to master Tinku ki taraf ishara karte howe ..
Headmaster: "Tinku tum is ka jawab do"!!
Tinku: "Master ji hamari body ka sabse naram part hai g***, kyon ki, agar hame thand (cold) lag jaye hum kehte hain 'G*** Phat gayi', Garmi lag jaya hum kehte hain 'G*** phat gayi', thora chalna parh jaye 'G*** phat gayi', Rona aa jaye 'G*** phat gayi', Homework karana ho 'G*** phat gayi'
Headmaster ko ghussa to aata hai lekin tinku ka jawaab bhi sahi hai to woh kuch nahin kehta..phir sawaal karta hai.
Headmaster: "achoo aab ye batao ke, Larki ki jaab shaadi ho jaati hai to woh Doli ke time roti kyon hai??"
Phir koi jawaab nahin deta......master phir Tinku ko jawaab dene ko kehta hain.
Tinku: " Master ji aap itne bade master aur Samajhdar hai, AGAR AAPKI KOI 400KM GHAR SE DOOOOOR LE JAA KAR G*** MAREGA TO AAPKO RONA NAHIN AAYEGA?"
Master jee ko phir bohot ghussa aata hai lekin tinku ka jawaab bhi theek hai...iss liye woh usse kuch nahin kehta... Master phir sawaal karata hai.
Headmaster: " Acha bacho agar main aapko teesri aankh lagane ki Taaqat doon to tum kahan lagwaoge?"
Koi bacha kehta hai sir pe, koi kehta hai mooh main, koi kehta hai pet main. koi kehta hai kaan pe ..... Master ko koi bhi answer acha nahin lagta hai to woh Tinku ko phir khara karta hai.
Tinku: " Master jee main teesri aankh haat ki badi wali ungli main lagawaoonga"
Headmaster: " Kyon Tinku?"
Tinku: " Main usko aap ki G*** main ghusaa ke ye dekhoonga
ke kon sa keeda aapki G*** main Bhatak raha hai aur satt maar raha hai
jo Salla har Sawaal mujhee say pooch rahe ho"

[CtrlAltDel]

Jack and Jill Went up the hill,

And planned to do some kissing.

Jack made a pass and grabbed her ass,

And now two of his front teeth are missing.



Jack and Jill Went up the hill,

Each one had a quarter.

Jill came down with fifty cents,

Do you think they went for water?



Jack and Jill went up the hill,

For just an itty bitty.

Jill is now two months overdue,

And Jack has left the city.



Jack and Jill went up the hill,

To fetch a pail of water.

Jill forgot to take the pill,

So now they've got a daughter.



Jack and Jill went up the hill,

With a little keg of whiskey.

Jack got stewed, Jill got screwed,

Now it's Jack, and Jill, and Ricky.

[CtrlAltDel]

Dog Named Sex



Everybody I know who has a dog usually calls him "Rover" or "Spot".

I call mine Sex.

Now, Sex has been very embarrassing to me.

When I went to the City Hall to renew the dog's license, I told the clerk

that I would like a license for Sex.

He said, "I would like to have one too!"

Then I said, "But she is a dog!"

He said he didn't care what she looked like.

I said, "You don't understand... I have had Sex since I was nine years old."

He replied, "You must have been quite a strong boy."



When I decided to get married, I told the priest that I would like to

have Sex at the wedding.

He told me to wait until after the wedding was over.

I said, "But Sex has played a big part in my life and my whole world

revolves around Sex."

He said he didn't want to hear about my personal life and would not marry

us in his church.

I told him everyone would enjoy having Sex at the wedding.

The next day we were married at the magistrate's office.

My family was barred from the church from then on.



When my wife and I went on our honeymoon, I took the dog with me.

When we checked into the motel, I told the clerk that I wanted a room for

me and my wife and a special room for Sex.

He said that every room in the motel is a place for Sex.

I said, "You don't understand. ... Sex keeps me awake at night."

The clerk said, "Me too!"



One day I entered Sex in a contest. But before the competition began, the

dog ran away.

Another contestant asked me why I was just looking around.

I told him that I was going to have Sex in the contest.

He said that I should have sold my own tickets.

"You don't understand," I said, "I hoped to have Sex on TV."

He called me a show off.



When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for

custody of the dog. I said, "Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married

but Sex left me after I was married."

The Judge said, "Same here!"



Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking all over for her.

A cop came over and asked me what I was doing in the alley at 4 o'clock in the morning.

I said, "I'm looking for Sex." -- My case in court comes up next Thursday.



Well now I've been thrown in jail, been divorced and had more damn troubles with that dog than I ever foresaw.

Why just the other day when I went for my first session with the

psychiatrist, she asked me, "What seems to be the trouble?"

I replied, "Sex has been my best friend all my life but now it has left me

for ever. I can't live any longer being so lonely."



She replied: "i can understand. why dont get a pet dog or something?"

[stingrae]

pretty darn good stuff ovah there.....



gotta keep me thread alive...awrr...



First-year students at Medical School were receiving their first anatomy class with a real dead human body.

They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet. The professor started the class by telling them, "In medicine, it is necessary to have two important two important qualities as a doctor.

The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the human body".

As an example, the professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the anal cavity of the corpse, withdrew it and stuck it in his mouth. "Go ahead and do the same thing", he told his students.

The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the bottom of the dead body and sucking on it. When everyone finished, the professor looked at the students and told them, "The second most important quality is observation.

I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention".

[azazel]

Julie aur Sulie do ben log rehta hai. Ben log bolay tou mutlab kee jurwaan. Lekin dono main farq bolay tou ik dum solid. Julie ik dum Smart, jhakaas aur Sulie ik dum halki re. To kya hota hai maloom? Sulie tou bachpan say, woh kya boltay hain usko.. Stubborn ..bolay to ik dam ziddi.... rehti hai.

To julie jo bhi maangti hai na...Sulie ko woh maang ta-ich hai.

Julie ko gudriya mili to Sulie ko bhi maangta tha...

Julie ko kangan mila to Sulie ko bhi mangta hai.

Aisa kartay kartay bees saal guzar gaya baap.

Tou na kia hoowa maloom? Julie ka shaadi ik dum karodr-pati ladrka kay saath hota hai. Aur Sulie ik phateechar puntoosh say shaadi banata hai.

Shaadi ke baad Julie Fridge leti hai baap. Sulie bhi pati se fridge maangti hai.Pati bechara gharib. Lekin biwi ko khush karne ke waastay woh Fridge khareed leta hai. Abhi Julie agle maheenay Air Conditioner khareed dalti hai. Sulie bhi jidd karti hai baap. Bolti: AC nahin liya to khud ko tapka daloongi. Pati bechara aur paisay udhaar leta hai aur AC khareed leta hai.



Ab Julie car khareedti hai. Sulie bhi zidd karti hai. Pati ka dimaagh satak-ta hei lekin phir bhi saala karega kya, pita-ji ka zameen bech dalta hai aur gaadri khareedta hai. Thodray dinon ke baad Julie gaadri bech ke Bus khareedti hai. Sulie Zidd karti hai Bus chaeye merey ko bhee Abhee pati solid bhadrakta hai baap. Bolta hai "Aye item, ab dimaagh ki dahi mat bana..bahut ho gaya tera natak kia Abhi apun tera ik nahin sunenga. Apun jaa rahela hai"



Tou Sulie ko chodrke woh chala jaata hai. Sulie lekin apni gaadri bech kar aur paisa market se uthakar bus khareed leti hai. Tou Julie aur Sulie apne apne bus main Ek din picnic ko jaata hai.



Bus ko park kar kay woh log ghoomnay phirnay ko jaata hai. Wapas aakay dekhta hai tou saala dono bus main steering wheel ghaib, seat ghaib, gear ghaib...sab kuch ghaib!! Sulie julie ko dekhti hai aur kuch tou bolti hai.



Abhi Ekdum simple koschan: Sulie Julie ko kya bolti hai??









* * * Yeh too bol-na * * * * *













* * * Abay soch shuntt...... * * *















* * *lay dimagh kaam nahi kar rela hai? * * *















* * * Haar maan gaya kya??? * * *

















* * * Accha chal bolich dalta hoon: * * *





















"NA KUCH TERE BUS MAIN JULIE........ NA KUCH MERE BUS MEIN..."

[akhilis2cool]

that was azazel pistonwala!!!

[CtrlAltDel]

An eighteen-year-old girl tells her Mom that she is pregnant.



Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!"



The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later a Ferrari stops in front of their house; a mature and rich looking man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in a very expensive suit steps out of it and enters the house. He sits in the living room with the father, the mother and the girl, and tells them:

"Your daughter has informed me of the problem. However, I can't marry her because of my personal family situation, but I'll take charge.

If a girl is born I will give her 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beach villa and a $1,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $2,000,000 bank account.

If it is twins, a factory and $1,000,000 each.

However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"



At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, "You'll f**k her again!"