Long Distance Relationships

[Aishwarya]

I havent met even one single couple that has survived an LDR... And still people go for it...



It is sad how two great individuals, completely capable of keeping each other happy, very much in love, tend to screw things up because there is no physical proximity. But then again, I have met a few who are happy being in LDR because they get their space... They like their space.. Those are the kind who have a high tendency towards infidelity. They fool around but then dont want to let go their sweetheart... Coz he/she is like an insurance or a safety net!



Is that the only way an LDR can work: fool around but be nice to that special someone who is waiting oh so eagerly for you to come back to him/her? What is the the ideal kind of LDR? What exactly one should do to make it work? and the most important question of all, Is it worth having an LDR, is it worth that effort, the agony and frustration coz all relationships end up in lies and deciet and boredom anyways?

[HP.....Long Distance]

Interesting subject. I have quite a bit to say on this...but later...right now, am short of time.

[Sharjeel]

Nice topic. I also have a lot to say, but will begin with saying that personal space is what people crave for, whether s/he is in love or not.



A relationship is what it is, Long Distance or not.

[Girl]

I had a long distance relationship for close to a year. It was fine except for a few fights/arguments here and there. In fact now that I am with the guy I find us arguing much more!



It all boils down to the couple in question. If you are sensible enough, you can make a long distance relationship work. The statistics tell a different story though.

[Mayavi Morpheus]

aaah Long distance relationships! Nice.

I do not know if I have a lot to say, so I will be a fly on the wall and listen to those who have a lot to say.

Mayumi, you lurkin around?

[Aishwarya]

Nice topic. I also have a lot to say, but will begin with saying that personal space is what people crave for, whether s/he is in love or not.

A relationship is what it is, Long Distance or not.

True every one craves for their space... but these days they use that as an excuse to do things descreetly, things that would hurt their partner...

[Aishwarya]

I had a long distance relationship for close to a year. It was fine except for a few fights/arguments here and there. In fact now that I am with the guy I find us arguing much more!

It all boils down to the couple in question. If you are sensible enough, you can make a long distance relationship work. The statistics tell a different story though.

Again, every couple is unique blah blah... All that is fine... and arguing and bickering are a part of any relationship, be it long distance or live-in..



The point is, that because of this long distance further complications come up and nobody needs to go through all that crap unless he/she thinks that its all worthwhile in the end.....



So lets take the discussion to next stage. If you think all is worthwhile, then what are the qualities one must possess to be able to maintain an LDR?

[Udaykiran]

Yeah very true that every couple is very unique, I personally think that LDR is a little difficult to maintain. Proximity does effect relationships.



I think to maintain LDR one must

1. Have trust in each other believe me this is mooooost important.

2. Be able to predict the mood of each other coz you dont meet personally so things might go wrong if you dont have atmost understanding.

3. There should be sweet surprises sometimes.



I can think of these things right now and I hope someone can add more to these.



Cheers,

Uday.

[Aishwarya]

Hey I think communication is the most important thing. It is understood that there is love etc otehrwise there wont be any LDR. Also, insecurity has to be avoided at any cost. Therefore, if one is feeling insecure, then the other person shouldnt take it lightly... It is a big issue and the other partner should put a conscious effort to alleviate the situation.. More often than not, people tend to behave in a very unreasonable manner when they feel insecure and at that point it is important that the other person is very tolerant and mature about the whole thing. Any takers for this theory or does it sound too idealistic?

[Mayavi Morpheus]

What you said applies to normal relationships too although it is more important in LDR.

The problem with LDR is that you have no way of knowing whats going on in the other persons mind. In a normal reln. a yes may mean No and a No may mean yes, but in a LDR they mean what they are.

[Aishwarya]

Mayavi , you are right. It would be very practical if the two people involved in LDR should come up with some rules and a protocol to be followed at any cost!



1. Yes means yes and no means NO



2. If you are busy, then tell the other person so.. But Do it politely (Basically be honest)



3. Value other person's time . If you say you are going to call at a particualr time then stick by it .. unless something very important comes up. In which case you still call and let the person know that you cant talk for long.



4. Share as much as possible.. All the events that happened during the day.



5. Please DONOT praise opp sex, no matter what!!! It is never good. Insecurity level suddenly shoots up...YOU DONOT WANT THAT



I guess, active particiaption in each others lives can be achieved by proper communication. Having erotic conversations helps (needless to say, I guess)



Anything that I missed??

[Ustaad]

LDR...works as long as you can keep your pants together and keep trusting each other.



individual scenrios vary though. If you think , you girl freind is cheating on you and vice versa.. it's not love.



Love is all about " trust" , my freinds.



If you are not upto it. donot stand in the way. You are prolly (grammaar mistake intneded) better off alone.

[Mayavi Morpheus]

I dont know if coming up with rules is the best way to go about a relationship. I will write about my experience when I get time.

3. Value other person's time . If you say you are going to call at a particualr time then stick by it .. unless something very important comes up. In which case you still call and let the person know that you cant talk for long.

I wish my GF reads that^^

Having erotic conversations helps (needless to say, I guess)

Just a piece of advice, do not over do it.... its gonna screw the relationship.

[CtrlAltDel]

having a set of DOs and DONTs wud never help, even in "short distance" ones.



only way to maintain mental peace in LDR is blind trust, else every conversation can lead to insecurity.



but IMO, if the LDR continues for a very long time, it is unreasonable to assume that both the partners would remain 100% faithful and wudnt stray. they shudnt forget that both are mere humans with wants n desires. in case any one of them strays, its better to forgive n forget and try hard to erase the long distance. else the only solution is to breakup.

[betty]

LDR...works as long as you can keep your pants together and keep trusting each other.

individual scenrios vary though. If you think , you girl freind is cheating on you and vice versa.. it's not love.

Love is all about " trust" , my freinds.

If you are not upto it. donot stand in the way. You are prolly (grammaar mistake intneded) better off alone.

Agree whole heartedly.



And this just might open up another debate on whether 'open' (either person straying) relationships work or not....

[Reality]

Let me say that i have seen some long distance relationships work and some dont. And the survival is totally dependent on the couple ,, how much they like each other and how much they are like each other.

In a relationship that does not have spatial considerations, even if there are a few differences we tend to be blind to them in each other during the courtship period. But when we dont have other things to cover up for our shortcomings ,, they become very prominent in a long distance relationship.



So its such a very subjective decision ,, and depends totally on the couple. I wanted to say a lot more but am hungry right now ,, and my brain is going blank due to hypoglycemia,,, maybe later.

[U$taad]

hypoglycemia,,, maybe later.

you need to eat something , sweeter.

[Aishwarya]

having a set of DOs and DONTs wud never help, even in "short distance" ones.

only way to maintain mental peace in LDR is blind trust, else every conversation can lead to insecurity.

You are right.. But.. the only way to achieve that kind of trust is by behaving in a predictable manner, and being more disciplined. And the disciplined is achieved by following the certain rules. See, it is very easy to walk out of the relationship.. in any relationship per say, more so in LDRs... And there has to be something more than trust and love that binds the two people, who lives so far away from each other, together. And I suppose discipline ensures that.



But again, there is a thin line between a bond and a bondage. Nothing should be taken to the extreme. So when I say discipline, I might sound like a martinet here.. But I my intention is not so.

[Aishwarya]

Also, lot of good can come out of LDR. Finally, when the separation is no longer there and you realise that somehow you did manage to stay together, THAT is a great feeling in itself. A matter of pride both for yourself and for your partner and speaks a lot about who you are.



You are way wiser and mature and more importanytly tolerant. These qualities will ensure that you dont have misunderstanding in the future or rather, they equip you to deal with misunderstandings in a more mature manner. Qualities such as these will not help you with matters of heart but in general when you deal with other people in your work place etc...



Point being, I think that having LDR is a good experiance... It is a win-win situation.. You stick, you know you are with the right person. You dont, then you are better prepared to handle similar situations but this time with another person... you are more prepared...You have higher success rate...



Atleast thats how I see it!

[Aish]

Hey Moddie



Sorry my comp is acting cranky thats why three similar posts and lot of grammatical errors (which arent made out of ignorance.)...

Can mod make the changes so that I dont look that dumb!



Thanks



Aishwarya

[Consulting HP]

A new perspective to this issue.



IMO, it doesn't matter how a relationship is formed. What matters is how the relationship is maintained and developed. And the prerequisites for a successful relationship are the same whatever the starting point for it maybe. This debate is something similar to a debate on how successful a person would be on his job if he joined by responding to an ad vis-a-vis someone who joined through a personal reference.



Mutual trust is extremely important in any relationship. At the same time, mutual trust is useless if there's a lack of dedication or commitment from either side. Corollary to this - if a couple has mutual trust and is also committed to the relationship, the relationship has a good future.



Another prerequisite for a relationship to work is how well the couple understands each other. A lack of understanding erodes trust and thats deterimental to the relationship in the long run.



Now, whether a relationship is long distance or not, the factors that would influence its success would remain the same. At the same time, when a couple is missing out on any of these factors, the relationship would fall flat even if the couple belongs to the same city.



So, IMO, LDR v/s a same city relationship; arranged v/s love marriage etc. are void debates. Its the approach of the couple that makes or breaks a relationship.

[Aishwarya]

What you and I have been saying (HP) is something general. See what appiles to LDR definetly applies to other relationships as LDR is a very specific case of a relationship. So.. TRUST definetly is very important and as your rightly suggested, one needs to think about maintaining that kind of trust. Come up with a formula that generally applies to all the couples and not one in particular, although every couple is unique.



I still think that one can come up with general techniques that can help maintain an LDR, and various modifications can be made to those techniques to suit a particular couple.



Anyways.. the next stage of our discussion would be this,



What is it that one should do ( AND NOT DO) do to maintain the level of trust that you had before the LDR actually began?

[Reality]

What is it that one should do ( AND NOT DO) do to maintain the level of trust that you had before the LDR actually began?

There is a simple way to that , be truthfull and straight forward. Sometimes it does hurt , but in the long run you are better off that way than sugar coating a lot of stuff and when it is time to swallow the bitter pill , things start getting difficult. So just be open with each other and who knows the realtionship might go on to a totally higher level where distances do not matter at all.

[Aishwarya]

Would that be all?



Just being straightforward? That is only one thing.. I thought people would suggest a long things to do list!!

[Reality]

Would that be all?

Just being straightforward? That is only one thing.. I thought people would suggest a long things to do list!!

You have to start some place, and thats the best place to start. You may have a lot of other issues, but I think this is the single most important one.